As salamu `alaykum,

Dear sister, I am very sorry about your current situation with your husband. There are many red flags from your question that I see that are of concern. One, of course, is the pornography and sexual conversations with other men. This sounds to me like there may be more to this husband of yours than meets the eye. His inability to be affectionate with you is another concern, for it sounds as if he has difficulties being intimate with you. I am not talking about sexual relations but all the other forms of intimacy, as you mentioned such as touching, conversing, joking, and the like. These are all important aspects of the bond that husbands and wives share, and our Prophet (SAW) urged Muslim men to be affectionate with their wives.

The following is from a talk by Shaykh Abdullah Adhami titled “A Wife.” From the Shaykh’s words we can understand how a husband and wife should be and why it is so important. He says:

“…But Allah (SWT) knows that the human heart is not a
static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings
can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The
marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in
marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires
constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to
remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained,
maintained, watered and nurtured.

"Remember that our Prophet Muhammad (SAW) had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She out ran him but later after she had gained some weight, he out ran her.

"Remember that the Prophet (SAW) took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating.

"Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah (SWT) for
any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet (SAW)  said "one would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife."

"Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as
putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car's door for her,
etc. Remember that the Prophet (SAW) used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

"Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together.
Strengthening the bond between you and Allah (SWT) is
the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain
strong. Having peace with Allah (SWT) will always
result in having more peace at home.

"Remember that the Prophet (SAW)  gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet (SAW)  even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water on his/her face.

"Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds.
Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion,
spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet
(SAW) said "the best of you are those who are best to their wives."”

Now, the point of me including this in my response is not to make you feel bad! It is to stress on the point that the goodness your husband is depriving you of, and as a result, you of him, is not due to his feelings toward you. It is due to his ‘feelings’ toward Allah! A marriage in Islam is amanah (a trust). The spouse given to us is a trust from Allah. It is a blessing and a trust that we will take and treat that spouse in a manner that is pleasing to Allah. The same goes for our children. Children and spouses are, in a matter of speaking, ‘loaned’ to us by Allah. It is a great responsibility to have to care for another human being day in and day out, and to put the other person’s needs and desires before your own for the sake of a peaceful family environment. The point to this is that your husband is not treating you badly because of you, but as a Muslim husband we can conclude that he is treating you badly because of his lack of relationship with Allah. You have urged him to at least pray, and he will not. That is a seriously troubling sign. Did he pray when you first married? It would be interesting to know because if he did pray and now he no longer does, why doesn’t he? Does it have to do with his pornography? Perhaps his leanings toward homosexuality? Do you know his feelings and attitude toward Islam?

The spirit of marriage in Islam is about being merciful and generous. It’s about sacrificing our selves for those closest to us, out of love, respect and obedience to Allah, who put those people in your lives as a trust. That is how our homes become Dar al-Islam – through love, cooperation, sacrifice, obedience and remembrance of God. But this doesn’t result from an “I love you” romance-novel type marriage. This results from a marriage where both spouses are dedicated to God first and foremost, and from that dedication real love and commitment results. True surrender to God (i.e. Islam), results in peace – peace with one’s self, surroundings and others. When this real peace descends on the heart of an individual, he/she sees everything around him/her with the eyes of gratitude and awe of Allah’s mercy and greatness. Such a one will see his/her marriage as a act of service, rather than an inconvenience, and will willingly and willfully carry out his/her marital obligations. 

In this vein, your husband is not fulfilling his trust. He is not able to give, for whatever reason, and he refuses to let you in and try and help. So, perhaps now you need to help him on your own. You need to be generous with him by helping him to see himself and the way he is. You choose the method, but I think you need to do something that will wake him up and to really help him to see himself, especially in the context of what I discussed above, i.e. what a real marriage in Islam is supposed to be. I cannot suggest a specific course of action because it would not be appropriate given my limited knowledge of your situation. But you need to shake him and wake him up from this slumber he’s in, and to help him realize that he is not fulfilling the amanah given to him by Allah.

He needs to find God, plain and simple, and to realize that being a Muslim means taking care of those closest to you as a trust from the Almighty. Go through his parents, his friends, his colleagues, get those closest to him to talk to him. Perhaps go away for a while and give him time alone. Try and persuade him to meet with a marriage counselor or a religious leader in your community to help him understand some of the topics I mentioned above. Whatever you choose, I think it’s time for action before it’s too late. From the way you wrote your question, it sounds like the situation is deeply affecting you and your own ability to function. This is not a good sign and probably an indicator that something has to be done. Please follow up with us if you would like to discuss the matter further…

For further guidance, please try the following links:
 
An Uncommunicative Husband  
Worshipping Idols in the Heart
Communication, Forgiveness, and Understanding Between Couples
Oedipus Complex
Discovering Emotional Intelligence