As salamu 'alaykum,

Dear sister, thank you for writing to us. It is great to hear that you have chosen Islam as your path. I am very concerned by what you wrote, however, and think you need to consider your situation a bit more. As you are so young and new to Islam, I would urge you to go slow with your plans. You are dealing with many, many changes in your life. First off, to accept Islam is a major life decision that requires patience and time in order to learn the religion properly. That requires finding someone to learn from and then spending time learning and applying the knowledge in your life. My hunch is that with all that has happened to you since converting, including rejection by your family, you are feeling lonely and very isolated. It makes perfect sense that you are seeking companionship and intimacy with this young man, as he too is Muslim and it sounds as if he is taking a real interest in you. However, marriage is a MAJOR undertaking that cannot be taken so lightly. The fact that his family became upset with you for misspelling a word! Does that not raise some red flags in your mind that this transition, if you choose to make it, is going to be one of difficulty?

Marriage as an institution is challenging. Cross-cultural marriage adds many extra snares and one must be really prepared for it. I know as I too am in a cross-cultural marriage. It has many rewards, but also it can be difficult if the two spouses are not mature, tolerant and willing to learn from one another. Ultimately, I have found that the most important factor in a cross-cultural marriage is that the two spouses are on the same page regarding Islam, and its practice. Without Allah as the main goal in the lives of both spouses, the ‘little things’ that tend to creep into a marriage can become major issues and have detrimental effects. Often, it’s the little things that people don’t consider, but end up becoming big things later on. But if spouses are willing to accept that there will always be little things here and there that might bother us, annoy us, or get under our skin, in the end we can accept them forgive them and not let them inflict harm on the union as a whole. However, without that understanding and forgiving spirit, it can be tough.

Cross-cultural marriages are often strained by in-laws and other outside influences, where one of the two spouses is not fully accepted by the other’s family. Thus, preparation can really help and we should have some idea of what we are getting ourselves into. Perhaps you should take more time to learn about Pakistani culture before rushing into marriage. Often, the cultural differences can be overwhelming and just diving into a situation headlong can cause a lot of confusion and angst later on. In certain Muslim countries, culture plays a major role in the practice of Islam. Without much knowledge and experience in that culture, if we do not understand the people and their ways, the transition can be overwhelming.

So, you see sister, in terms of your own development as a new Muslim, in terms of your current situation being so young, perhaps lonely and isolated, in terms of your desire to marry into a foreign culture that you know little about, there are many reasons that I see for you to slow down and not rush into this marriage. One of the most important aspects of Islam is trusting in God and His plan for us. Now is the time, I think, for you to focus on trying to learn your new religion and building that trust in God, which can only come about through acquiring knowledge. You are facing difficulty it appears with your own family members as well. Perhaps with more knowledge of Islam and a better grasp of it, you can help them to understand its true light and reduce the fear they might be experiencing with your conversion. I do not know the particulars of your family situation of course, but relations with family and parents, even if they are non-Muslim, are so important and we should do all we can to help them and try to build bridges.

Of course, these are only suggestions for you and we are responding based on the little we know, but usually with new Muslims, it is really, really important to acquire knowledge of Islam. Please write us again for any follow up questions.

For further guidance, please try the following links:

• Inter-cultural Marriage: An Islamic Perspective

•Beyond Homesickness: Western Wives in Egypt