Dear brother thank you for your clarification. You are asking to get some help that will convince you that whom you have chosen for yourself is indeed the right person despite her being married before you. You ask how long it will take and what you need to do. Psychology is not like medicine in that there are no dosages to take 'x' amount of times on a daily basis so that you will experience change. Psychological change is experienced through a collaborative liaison between your heart + your mind + and your spirit. Often times it is important to evaluate our difficulty in changing our emotional position; for example, you are feeling that it is not right of you to think about her past and to think of who else you could get - stop right here- you try over and over to convince yourself that you “should” not think this way, but:
- What if marrying a virgin is truly a value of yours that you are emotionally adhering to?
- What if your desire to feel like you got the best of the best will haunt you so severely that it will suck the joy right out of your life?
- Shall you continue to fight yourself because you “should” think differently?
Now if indeed you are uncomfortable with this thinking pattern and are committed to changing it then back it up with evidence! Merely thinking that something should change does not help it to do so.
- Ask yourself why you want to change this way of thinking?
For example, perhaps this way of thinking makes you lose it all in the quest for everything or perhaps this way of thinking turns people into commodities where you are comparing specifications rather than relationships and maybe you would like to be more relational.
If you do nothing about your situation, your thinking pattern will likely jeopardize your happiness and will become not only your problem but hers as well after you become consumed with who she is not. I would continue to encourage you to get some counseling of some sort to help you sort out your "shoulds" and figure out who you are and where you are headed. I pray that Allah guide you in your time of need.
