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Last Update: 11:59 GMT, Monday, Dec. 07, 2009 |
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Family
> Cyber Counselor
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Name of Questioner
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Lost Hope
- Sri Lanka |
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Title
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Objects of Desire Here and in the Hereafter?
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Question
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As-salamu `alaykum.
First of all, let me congratulate all of you at IslamOnline. It’s a wonderful site, especially this online counseling. If not for this, I don’t where I would’ve turned for help. May Allah reward all of you and help you to help more people, in sha’ Allah. I guess my problem is a bit different from the rest you get. I just don’t know where to start.
I loved Islam immensely and there was nothing more I wanted than to become a good Muslim, but this problem that I have is driving me away from Islam. Well, this is regarding a question you got from a sister last November 28. I got to read it only quite recently. It concerns a question about the multiple wives men get in paradise. It completely broke me down after I read it. I thought that all the kinds of unfairness that happen, happen only here. I did not know that we would be sex objects in the next world, again.
Those women God created are not human, right? They are solely created for the purpose of having pleasure, aren’t they? How can Allah do something like this to us? How can he degrade us this way again? Isn’t once enough?
I thought once we were all in Heaven I wouldn’t have to witness this kind of degrading stuff again or the unfairness. A question that the sister put forward was why does Allah grant the wish of the husband and not the wife? The reply ….(quoted) was that it is just a choice that is available to them (having multiple partners) and they can take it or leave it if they want. (Yeah right, as if anyone's going to refuse)…. What my sister says in her argument is that it is true that heaven is just an extension of this life for men. They have a choice just like in this world …. A woman can only have one man and that’s it, like in this world, and she has to share him again, like in this world. I mean she won’t have a choice after all will she because of all sorts of jealousy (feelings, apart from unconditional love for the husband), will be removed from her heart. Of course, this is to please the male servant, and like that sister said, how does it justify anything?
Why wont Allah remove the lust from men to have unlimited sex with multiple wives in order to please female servants?... Why is it that God cannot create men for us? I mean why can’t we have multiple husbands?... What if a young girl did not get married in this world, she would be married off in paradise to a believer whom she will have to share. Or she would be made content and happy living a single life for eternity. Isn’t that a little unfair?...
It might seem like I am making a bid deal out of nothing and that I am thinking too much, but I’m hurt beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s not that I will not get 6-foot hunks of men, but because once again we will be objects. Just like everything dirty that has been done in this world, the same will be done again in the Hereafter, but in a nice way... Instead of protesting (which at least is an option we have here) we will be sitting, feeling it’s the right thing and there will no equality—there never has been and there never will be. I get so hurt when I see my fellow sisters suffering so much in this world. My heart goes out, especially to the non-Muslim sisters. It is hell for them here and will be so even after they die. Those who committed crimes against them will never be questioned.
Allah is 70 times more loving towards His creations than a mother, but why is He making us go through so much? Why isn’t He moved by the suffering that we go through? Why has he not eased our burdens? Allah has created us to suffer. The only conclusion I can come to is that Allah hates us or if He doesn’t, He loves men more than He does us… He only created us so that life would be easier for men… Every burden…has been dumped on us, from pregnancy, giving birth, period pains, mental agonies, so many more things that a person could think of.
Sure, Islam gave rights to us like no other religion has, but I’m talking about womankind in general. From the day we were created, throughout the centuries, and up to now, there has been no difference in the suffering that women go through. Buried alive, sold as goods, degraded in unimaginable ways, honor killings, used as play things then forced into marriage—for some girls at the tender age of 9 or 10—raped by anyone and everyone from a stranger to one’s father, brother, uncle, and in some cases, even by one’s own son…
Of course, you are going to say no, it’s not like that, Allah loves us too, but take a look around you. Who’s suffering more, who’s being used as objects, look at any magazine, paper, or the TV. For whom is dress a problem, the name calling, the slandering, all the blame? After so much suffering, He still says there will be more women in Hell than men, for what? For being ungrateful to their husbands who beat them, kill them, force them into prostitution, cheat on them, and hurt their feelings in every cruel manner… Please don’t tell me it’s the fault of society. If it were so, then why is it only women who are suffering?
I was in the Internet café when I read the article and I nearly broke down and cried right there. I don’t remember how I got home, it was all a slap in the face. Every belief that I held on to, every dream, every hope, just completely came apart. My iman (faith), which was sky high, went crashing down. Gosh, I feel so sick and hurt. This pain for me is physical. Today, I woke up and went outside, I got this tense longing to stay on in this world, which I have never experienced before. Not because of material things, but because I am afraid of what I might see in Heaven. Seeing the inequality in this world is more than enough.
In Ramadan 2002, I was feeling exactly like this, and then, like now, I almost gave up belief in God. The inequality and unfairness against women was the only single reason that took me away from Islam at the time. There was nothing else. Nothing else ever shook my iman as much as this factor. Once, for a while, I was so depressed once I realized all of this, I almost committed suicide.
When all at once it hits you that the person who created you does not love you or that he prefers one over the other, it’s difficult to continue isn’t it. When the one thing that keeps you going through all difficulties, miseries, and hardships is no longer there, then what’s the point of going on? I just prayed and asked Him to help me, because it was taking me away from Islam (and I still had belief in the next world—a tiny drop of hope). I was afraid of being dumped in Hell. I knew nothing about these things in heaven and that we’ll have to sacrifice our feelings to make men happy.
And somehow or other, through the festival that I was feeling, I was much better. My iman suddenly grew, The greatness I felt was absolutely incredible. I lived and breathed Islam… I was so proud of being a Muslim. Every day I gathered something to practice and gave up something bad. It was so easy. Not so, for many of my friends. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to give up something for the sake of Allah. Every day I learnt something new. I used to spend long hours on the Internet learning more about Islam…
Ignorance is bliss isn’t it and I had this deep yearning to be a part of something. There is not much Islamic activity in my country and I felt so jealous when I saw my fellow Muslim sisters taking part in so many activities and here I was doing nothing. There was nothing I wanted in this world. For me everything was in the Hereafter. I was hungry for amal (hope). I wanted to be among the elite of the Muslims in Allah’s eyes…
If I saw anyone doing more than me, I always tried to do more than them, just to get Allah’s pleasure. I always prayed to make me die while I was in Allah’s path. My blood boiled with helpless rage when I saw Muslims getting killed everywhere around the world. I loved jihad (struggle) and was so sad that I couldn’t take part in any way. I always had this deep respect and admiration for Muslim brothers. When I saw how different they were from the rest, how nicely they behaved and never chased after sex or girls. They always had something more important to do and their faces were always serene… They were the only consolation that there is good in this world.
Of course now I understand why they never go after girls, or why they yearn for heaven so much and also why so many Muslim men give up the option of having four wives and stick to one. I mean, if so much is being dangled in front of you just a few feet away, and you’re asked to be patient for a little while, who wouldn’t refuse. I just realized that there is no difference between non-Muslim and Muslim men.
I’m not married, but now I can’t even think of marriage… I don’t believe in love anymore… I have a disgusting feeling when I see men now, especially the Muslim ones… I have some respect for the non-Muslim men, They don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, so there’s nothing to hold them back…
I’ve started all the bad habits again. I’ve started listening to music late into the night and watching TV and movies just so I can escape reality. I’ve stopped doing dhikr
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| Date | 19/May/2005 |
| Name of Counsellor |
Hwaa Irfan |
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Firstly, let me apologize for answering your question. Counselor Abdullah Abdur Rahman is not available at the moment. Second, let me apologize for your answer going online. You did not leave an e-mail to respond to. Third, let me apologize for editing your very lengthy answer, and fourth, let me apologize for not replying directly to the answer given to the question, because that question is not a Cyber Counselor question and answer, but a fatwa question and answer.
As-salamu `alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, my dear sister.
I wish you peace and blessings as a sister in Islam as you greeted us in Islam. We are mere humans with our emotions and levels of understanding that fluctuate from time to time. What I know today, I may not have known yesterday, and what I understand now, differs from what I understood an hour ago. This is the position that we are all in. When we are subject to our emotions, this makes our decisions faulty and not always able to act in our best interest or the in best interest of others. This also applies to you, my dear sister, whether you are in Islam or out of Islam.
Much of our perception of reality is shaped by our level of understanding, which, in turn, is determined by how developed we are in terms of being master of our emotions or slaves of our emotions. Sometimes, we invest so much of our passion into one thing, that when we believe it has failed us, we blame that thing, not our understanding, and not the fact that blind emotions prevent us from using the faculty of reason based on substantial evidence, which is so much emphasized in Islam. The Arabic word `ilm means both knowledge and science, so this should tell us how much blind belief is not the foundation upon which Islam is built nor is it expected of us as Muslims. How does what I have said correspond to how you have been feeling? Let’s take a quick look:
“He only created us so that life would be easier for men. Every burden … has been dumped on us, from pregnancy, giving birth, period pains, mental agonies, so many more things that a person could think of.
“I loved jihad (struggle) and was so sad that I couldn’t take part in any way. I always had this deep respect and admiration for Muslim brothers. When I saw how different they were from the rest, how nicely they behaved and never chased after sex or girls. They always had something more important to do and their faces were always serene. They were the only consolation that there is good in this world.
“I have a disgusting feeling when I see men now, especially the Muslim ones…. I have some respect for the non-Muslim men, They don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, so there’s nothing to hold them back.”
“ Of course now I understand why they never go after girls, or why they yearn for heaven so much and also why so many Muslim men give up the option of having four wives and stick to one. I mean, if so much is being dangled in front of you just a few feet away, and you’re asked to be patient for a little while, who wouldn’t refuse.”
1. If dunya and jannah offer men the same rights, then how is it that these Muslim men you refer to behave so well?
2. If these same Muslim men have the same rights here and there, what do they have to wait for?
3. If these same Muslim men are the same as non-Muslim men, how is it that there is nothing to hold back these non-Muslim men, but these same Muslim men who behave so well, look serene and have more important things to do, do not shun the important things for what they could have now? Before you refer to Muslim men who are not in Islam (those who behave like non-Muslims) as justification, we are only referring here to a type that you describe so vividly.
Check your emotions and see if your perception of Muslim men is not shaped by your feelings, which at one time viewed them positively, and then at another time viewed them negatively. What influenced your feelings? This is not a rhetorical question. It is a question that asks you to correlate how you view a situation with how you feel at the time.
If I use an example, I could say that I feel negatively about a situation, but that negativity is determined by the insecurity of the situation where emotions are the deciding factor and not the faculty of reason. If the faculty of reason was in play, then I would feel assured that the machinations of justice are in play, but as I am not, I yearn for a previous situation where emotions were not the influential factors. In the previous situation I was relaxed and open and living in the present, therefore I was more available to opportunities that Allah Most High put my way. In this current situation, I am the opposite, and hence I find it difficult to be in the present. Take time out sister and review yourself by keeping a diary—you will be surprised what you can learn about yourself.
Now remember, emotions are the lens through which one determines reality. Language is a part of that process and old languages throw a different bearing on reality to modern languages. I presume that you read the Qur’an in the English language. What modern English does not have in common with the classical Arabic of the Qur’an is almost equal to what modern English does not have in common with Queen’s English or Shakespearean English for example. Modern English is spoken in the active which does not lend itself so easily to eloquence and deeper understanding of reality. The older forms of English are spoken and written in the passive, which lend themselves to deeper forms of expression and understanding. It is like the difference between the conscious self, on the mundane level, and the subconscious. More is communicated in the passive voice than in the active voice. But today, too many are only tuned into the active voice, leaving the deeper meaning of our lives behind.
When reading the Qur’an in English, one has to be careful of the translation that one reads, not assume a meaning, and use a reliable explanation (tafsir) of the Qur’an. As fourth caliph `Ali ibn Abi Talib commented, there are seven levels of meaning. Looking at your understanding of the scholar’s answer that you referred to and your understanding of the reality around you, you transposed meanings, for example, “Those women God created are not human, right? They are solely created for the purpose of having pleasure, aren’t they? How can Allah do something like this to us? How can he degrade us this way, again? Isn’t once enough?” The Arabic word hoor that is pertinent here in most translations into English is referred to as 'companion' (Dukhan 44:54, al-Tur 52: 20, Rahman 55: 72 & Waqi`ah 56:22). The most reliable English translations/transliterations refer to hoor' as follows:
Yusuf `Ali: So; and We shall join them to fair women with beautiful, big, and lustrous eyes.
Pickthall: Even so (it will be). And We shall wed them unto fair ones with wide, lovely eyes.
Shakir: Thus (shall it be), and We will wed them with Houris pure, beautiful ones. (Dukhan 44: 54)
Dr. Zakir Naik explains:
One of the objections raised against Islam is that it informs us of some beautiful maidens known as “hoor,” which will be reserved for the men of Paradise as objects of luxury. Quite often, the clergy, under the influence of the literature which was compiled and authenticated in those days when true Qur’anic government of Muslims was overtaken by that of the despotic rule of monarchs and theocracy, characterizes some verses of the Qur’an where the word “hoor” occurs, to be as such. However, it should be understood that the Arabic word “hoor,” which occurs four times in the Qur’an is plural of “ahwar” which is for the masculine gender and “hawrau,” which is for the feminine gender. Thus the word “hoor” is not restricted to the female gender only, but represents both men as well as women. Its basic meaning is the whiteness of the eye, and also signifies a clean and pure intellect of a person, free from vile intentions. (cf.: Lane, Qamus. Asad, The Message of the Qur’an. From this word also comes the word “al-hawariyun,” which has been used in the Qur’an for the disciples of Jesus Christ (peace and blessings be upon him) as they were persons having purified souls.
In the Qur’an it is mentioned for the believers in the state of Heaven:
and We shall pair them with companions of pure eyes. (At-Tur 52:20)
Then it does not imply a relationship as a husband and wife, but simply means that in Paradise the believers will have companions of pure intellect, which will include men as well as women.
Inherent in everyone is the desire to belong. When we reduce everything down to the mundane level, we transpose the desire to return to from where we came (Allah our Creator) to what is visible. This is a part of our reality, to make manifest the return to Allah so as to join with our spouses whom we have chosen appropriately, we take the road towards unification. Subconsciously, we reenact this every time we relate to another human being—mother, father, siblings, and friends, in marriage and in worship.
Do they not reflect within themselves: Allah did not create the heavens and the earth and what is between them two but with truth, and (for) an appointed term? (Ar-Rum 30:8)
Allah originates the creation, then reproduces it, then to Him you shall be brought back. (Ar-Rum 30: 11)
And one of His signs is that He created you from dust, then lo! You are mortals (who) scatter (Ar-Rum 30:20)
And one of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your tongues and colors; most surely there are signs in this for the learned (Ar-Rum 30:22)
It is because we forget, and in that forgetfulness we feel separated from the source, and then we turn to one another, and then our focus becomes of this world, bringing further separation, distrust, and selfishness. And when we make people taste of mercy they rejoice in it, and if an evil befalls them for what their hands have already wrought, lo! They are in despair. (Ar-Rum 30:36)
In our fear, we fear even ourselves, and seek out others as opportunists to fulfill our lower desires for us or to make us feel less inadequate. We negate our own ability to do better, we negate our jihad akbar, the jihad of the self. The greater jihad that demands more than anything else that we may come across in our lives. This goes for women too. If we suffer (and surely we do), it is because of other women—women who forsake, neglect, or do not know their rights or their self worth. We help each other to be exploited or to exploit. If it is not with the body, then it with the mind or the voice, or we help perpetuate the belief in the weaker sex. We are a part of society and we help to shape society:This is because Allah has never changed a favor which He has conferred upon a people until they change their own condition; and because Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing (Al-Anfal 8:53)
We all have burdens that we cannot bear, that is because we underestimate ourselves and in that underestimation, we dishonor ourselves, each other, and society at large. Do not personify that which cannot be personified—Allah—and do not blame others when you too can participate in the jihad akbar. The laws that guide this world do not guide the higher world and the gender issue is of this world, not of that world. There is nothing to say that we (as men and as women) have the potential to become hoor and there is nothing to say that hoor were once humans and thus possessed a gender. The only thing that can be said is that we have the potential to become better human beings and as such, be as an example for those we come into contact with. This means not being jealous of others, but being free of negative emotions enough to know what we can do and what we cannot do. We must learn to make decisions free of negative emotions, for only a decision based on objectivity has the capacity to be balanced, therefore stable, and therefore, for the greater good that is fair to all.
I am sure I have not answered all your questions, sister, but I pray that the answer to the basic elements of your question has some value in how you see yourself in relation to you, others, and your Creator, in sha’ Allah. You may indeed disagree with me on the question as to why some women suffer as they do, but let me leave you with this oversimplification:
If a mother claims her rights without acknowledging the rights of her daughter, then the daughter learns to neglect her rights to, let’s say, being respected. As the daughter grows up she learns to compensate this lack of self-respect because she has not been given the opportunity to exercise the emotional and psychological skills required to develop self-respect. In turn, with her peers, she practices what her mother taught her indirectly, neither fully respecting herself and neither fully respecting others, regardless of who they are.
When she too becomes a wife, her respect and her rights are not respected by her husband, who in turn takes advantage because she did not learn to honor herself. They have children—a boy and a girl. The girl learns from both her parents, who are her role models. The girl learns this is how men are and this is how women are, and as an adult she relates to men in this way. The boy learns the same. The sister and the brother in turn marry choosing spouses that are like their parents. Their marriages become abusive with fewer skills in self-respect and respecting others.
In short, respect, self-respect, honor, and rights can only be maintained if the male side of the scale is kept in balance with the female side of the scale. If one takes and does not give, then the balance weighs heavily on the other side, first with ourselves, then with other gender, and then with the same gender. Allah Most High, our objective reality, is fairer and more just than this. Through Islam, He instituted reciprocal rights. Reciprocal rights do not mean equal—I, for one, would not like to be like a man, but neither would I like to be the femme-fatale of the silver screen, being exploited and exploiting. I am not designed to have multiple men as husbands when I have more important things to do. Neither am I here to reaffirm a myth that multiple relations are liberating. They are not for women if women are to becoem more involved in society. Polygany without the Islamic conditions to guide men is an addiction, like any other addiction, like your TV and movies are forms of escapism from the self that only leads to losing yourself. Besides, looking after one man is more than enough, don’t you think! You have burdened your soul very much and must seek repentence and forgiveness. What you have allowed to take place within yourself is too much for anyone to bare. Between negative and positive is neutral, themiddle way, the mizan (balance), which is the Qur`an the message of unity of self, of the world we live in to the world we came from. Try not see things only by appearance, everything has an essence that is either deflected, corrupted or it manifests when it reaches outer expression, so do not judge as you do not want to be judged. Revelation and the process of realization only occurs when we are ready to receive something in its essence, not in our ignorance.
For your further guidance, please try the follwoing links:
◊ Why Doesn't Allah Answer Our Du`a' (Supplication)?
◊ Purify Your Heart
◊ The Evolution of the Human Spirit
Jazaka Allahu Khayrun
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