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As-salamu `alaykum.
Thank you for this very good Web site that you have created. It’s hard nowadays to get independent Islamic advice anonymously. I am sure it benefits a lot of people. My problem is very horrible and I feel really dirty and embarrassed to say what I want to say; however, I have kept it inside me for so long that if I don’t say something or get it off my chest now, then it will eat and kill me up inside. Peace be with all you counselors and volunteers. I tried to find similar problem to that of mine by entering key words in your search for archives but couldn’t find anything that was too concrete.
I am 23 years old, male, born and brought up in the UK. I have just finished studying and found a graduate job for myself. The thing is, well it’s too embarrassing but I must say it, when I was 12 years old my dad’s younger brother (my uncle) sexually abused me. I didn’t know what was happening then, but I remember him saying that if I told anyone then he would get me into trouble. It happened about 10 times at that age, as far back as I can remember I used to keep thinking about it and wondering what was happening. But I let it continue; whilst I was 13 nothing happened as he went to Pakistan for a year. There was a family emergency and my parents had no choice but to leave me at one of my other uncle’s house (not the same uncle). Here I was left with my older cousin—then he was in his teenage years. He was a very good person, a great guy, he would take me and pick me up from school, make sure nothing bad ever happened to me, he wrapped me up in cotton wool [i.e. protected me] and I never had a problem when he was around. I grew very fond of him, I never had that type of protection before, because he wasn’t a parent he was an older brother figure I could look up to.
However, a year later, everything was back to normal, I was living with my parents again. A few months had passed and for certain reasons our family split up with my cousin’s family and we weren’t allowed to see them again. We haven’t talked to them till this day, and probably never will because someone or another got divorced. So I have had no contact with my cousin for over 10 years. The same year, my uncle who was in Pakistan returned to the UK. Anyway, to cut a long story short, one day no one was at home, and my uncle came alone to our house, stupidly I opened the door and from what I know now he had sex with me. I don’t want to go into detail, I feel distressed even telling you this, but it was as bad as it sounds, if not he did even worse things to me I can’t imagine how to express in words. Then I still didn’t say anything, time passed and nothing else happened after that one event. With his family he moved permanently abroad, maintaining telephone contact with my father. The problem is I don’t strictly want to tell anyone, as it will break my father’s bond with him. In fact I’d rather commit suicide than tell anyone what has happened. So please don’t suggest that I talk to family/friends about what has happened to me as this is never going to happen.
The thing is I now keep getting homosexual feelings. I feel attracted to men, and I blame 3 people for this. I blame myself, as I should have stopped all this abuse when I was younger and should not have left my uncle in the house. My mind keeps wondering as to whether I wanted to let him in or not? What happened then has impacted on me now. I blame my uncle—obviously! And finally, I blame my older cousin? Why? Because when I was under his care, I was wrapped up in so much cotton wool that it has made me a passive rather than an assertive person. I don’t directly blame him—it was all unconscious.
I have grown up to be a shy, quiet, submissive person, which strictly speaking are not male characteristics. They say everything in life happens for a reason, but I don’t see why this has happened to me. What happened to me earlier in life has shaped what has happened to me now, and I can’t seem to change things. Over the last 2 years I have been very religious, always making dhikr (remembrance of Allah), I have never done anything that would make my parents think ill of me, carried out all their wishes to date. Now they want me to get married, I don’t mind getting married, but what shall I do with my homosexual tendency?
Please help me, how can past events change the outcome of the future? Just because I was wronged in the past, I don’t want a future that will be the same. I have read all the religious books but it doesn’t change my feelings inside. I can’t hide away anywhere. I’m surrounded by men as much as I am surrounded by women at work, shopping centers, and so on; you know it’s not something I can hide away from. I can’t lock myself in my room for the rest of my life, it would make me mad. I never go out late clubbing, or cinemas; in fact I don’t have a social life because I am taking as many precautions as I can. However I can’t leave my job, I work in the public sector and come across many people day in and day out, I work for a large company, and I know about 70 people at work (who I work with). I don’t make new friends in case I am invited out somewhere and I get to know people. So you see I am taking as many precautions as I can, there’s no doubt about this, but there is only so much I can do. They say that homosexuality is like an addiction, just as a drug addict loves drugs, and that he can get over it, but I don’t see that comparison, as a drug dealer can be given medical attention to cure himself. But which pill can I take to cure myself? There is no spiritual remedy either. Even when I walk in public I lower my gaze, looking up only when I have to, but it still doesn’t work, as physically I can control things but I cannot mentally change my brain/heart. Even worse is, recently at work I am having lustful thoughts about a male colleague who is openly gay as well. It’s making me stressful at work and I can’t concentrate or anything. Why is Allah doing this to me? I can’t exactly leave my job now can I? It’s taken me ages to find a job I enjoy, and I can’t avoid working with the person because he is a work colleague. I have already phoned in sick for 3 weeks thinking I’d clear my head and then go back to work, all fresh and that it would just be a phase and it will all clear up, but it’s exactly the same, I can’t get rid of the feelings towards him. Even if I leave it will be hard to find another job, my dad would ask questions as to why? It took me so much effort to find the job in the first place, and if I do run away to another job, the problem/feelings will be running there with me, and I would just find someone else instead. I can’t hide or run away forever. I make countless supplications sincerely to Allah (swt). But nothing’s happening, maybe I am one of those who Allah doesn’t want to enter the right path no matter how much I try, He probably wants me to go to Hell, in which case no matter how much I try I will still be destined for hell. Maybe? I don’t know, I’m just so confused that it’s not working out for me.
I hope you can understand where I am coming from. I have made firm intentions that I would never physically do anything, and I have kept my word to that, but I need to get rid of the feelings as well. No point having a dirty heart but a pure physical body. What shall I do? I can’t get rid of these feelings, I don’t want to talk to Al-`Alim (The Highest) like you have suggested in your other answers. I just want to sleep for ever and forget about it. Please help me as to what I should do. Please be practical.
My parents want me to get married and have kids, but I’m that shy of women that it’s hard for me, and since in Islam one is not even allowed to talk to girls or get close to them, then what can I do? It’s a loophole for people like me. What shall I do? If worse comes to the worst, I will lie to my parents that I am infertile, cannot have children, and that I am incompetent in bed and therefore I can’t get married, they won’t allow me to get married if I say that. Then I can just carry on my life on my own, working and so on. I will never have a physical relationship with anyone and never have a social life. Maybe it was just not meant to be for me? I will watch everyone else around me happy in life with families of their own and I will just stay as I am. It’s the only way I can see forward. If they say I need treatment for my infertility, I will pretend that I am but never will. You never know, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was infertile I always have the weird problems. If Allah tests us all the time, then why doesn’t he help us through them as well, even when we supplicate? Why does he want us to suffer, make our parents suffer as well? If Allah respects and wants people to live in izzat (honor) why does he have to do the opposite to me? I didn’t wish to be born, I didn’t say to my uncle abuse me? Why do I have to suffer, it seems like the more I try to get rid of these feelings the more worse the problem gets? I just wish I hadn’t been born, I have tried to bring my contribution to the world, iv been involved with charities, voluntary work, mosques, prayers, dhikr, in a bid to keep busy and away, but the more I do that the worse the whole situation gets. I am totally alone, I can’t talk to anyone, no one listens, I just want to roll up and die, I don’t feel I have brought good in this life. I often ponder that when I was born I was made evil and dirty. However, what other options do I have? When will things change for me? Is there anything you can suggest? Is there any miraculous cure?
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