Do you ever get to the end of a day and feel completely empty, frustrated, tired and worn out for no reason at all, or find yourself simply wandering it’s just another day?  Sometimes we can shroud our days in layers, just simply so that we crowd out our thoughts, our hearts, and the fact that we are actually unhappy.  When we become used to doing this, we find that we have removed ourselves from our subconscious selves for so long, that we do not know how to recognize ourselves, let alone listen to our inner voice.

In your inner void, you have found a husband who has to work overseas, a grandmother and a sick uncle whom you seem to objectify. Your only real contact with yourself, is through your husband, especially in times of intimacy, which makes the coming together of the both of you even more important.  For all you know sister, your husband can be doing the same thing (i.e. built up expectations around seeing each other), so that when you both do come together you are disappointed. In fact you are quite disappointed to the extent that you want everything to be made ‘alright’ by simply saying if “Allah Wills”. However you have forgotten the other side of this which is:

{ Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change their own condition…} (Ar-Rad 13: 11).

It could be that both of you have put so much into the share moment of intimacy between the both of you that you end up stealing away from the ability to give to each other. It is not simply about relaxing, but for most, it is also about trust, the kind of trust that is so fundamental between two people that they will not share anything deep until that level of trust is there.  Trust and the human hormones involved in establishing intimacy is like the chicken and the egg.

Trust =

Ability to form meaningful relations

Oxytocin =

The ability to pick up on signals that in turn increases the secretion of this hormone from the brain, which in turn increases the ability to trust. This is released through touching, and hugging.

This refers to the foreplay which you would rather have prior to getting closer, which is common across women because women’s energy points are not located in the same manner as the energy points of men. 

To attune you to him, and him to you with the active participation of both of you, you might want to consider massage. If you could this for each other with nothing else in mind other than to help each other relax, there may be benefits for the both of you., in terms of understanding each other’s body language, and especially learning to trust the other.

However, the above is about when you physically close to one another, in the mean time, it is important that you both learn to be sensitive towards each other via the means of communication at your disposal i.e. the phone etc. By actively listening to how each other is getting on, facing the challenges, and finding solutions, the more you strengthen the bonds between you, so that when you do meet up, the tied that bind you are stronger and not weaker insha-Allah…

For further guidance, please try the following link(s):
Love & Intimacy in Marriage