I'm in my late teens, currently waiting to serve my country. I spend my days playing computer games, and going swimming alone on alternative days. I feel that I have been suffering from some problems that I tried to solve it myself for the past years, but I realize I couldn't, I wanted to seek help from family members,  but I feel embarrassed because it seems we are drifting apart even though I am under my mother's care. I

t all started 3 years ago when I entered a tertiary school; lower than diploma because of my academic result. I feel a sudden change in myself as for example: loss of confidence, distracted easily, greatly bothered by how others see me or too self-conscious. The specialist course I took at tertiary school was the Certificate in Nursing. The teachers there know I have a problem and send me to the school counselor, but it didn’t help much because I couldn’t identify the problem.

For the 2 years in nursing my performance dropped, and I constantly got a grade ‘C’ in classroom. I get restless easily and I am easily influenced by friends towards playfulness -- not that being playful leads to trouble - and I’m grateful for that.

I don’t think it’s because my heart is not in nursing it’s a problem that been bothering me all the time, it even affects my personal life. During my placement in hospitals, I always get worried about what is going to happen next because I don’t want to get that same painful feeling.

Waking up in the morning makes me unhappy, but when in the wards for some time (when there’s less relatives of the patients around) I enjoy what I’m doing because nobody is watching me except for the nurses - I’m familiar around them.

I managed to graduate and get my Nursing Certificate but if possible I hope I could retake it and do better (with my problem solved), but I’m ashamed to bring this matter up with my family.

I don’t have any close relationships with friends or anybody including my family members. My parents divorced when I was 10, and I learned how to cope with it by myself. I am living with my mother, and three other siblings. I enjoyed life all the way until I entered tertiary school which is when the problems began. My mother does not abuse me nor leave me alone. She is religious, and goes for classes on the weekend.

I feel that I changed to what I don’t want to be. I think it’s because of the school environment, meeting new people. I lost confidence from there until it has affected my personal life. I feel I have difficulty in communicating with people these days. I’m not being myself, but I can only trust myself not even my family members. I feel lonely and afraid of meeting other people because I fear painful feelings will return, so to avoid it I spend most of my time playing computer games. I don’t call it an addiction because I know how I feel. I can survive a day without playing, but because there is nothing to do I spend my time on games (like I said I’m afraid of communicating with people and running away from the problem). Other times I read story books or read the Qur’an, but I never watch television. There is no television in my house.

My family members have the perception that I’m addicted to games, but I know I’m just running away from reality. My mother is always busy, she works from 8 - 6pm on weekdays, and spends time with my niece after that. (My sister is also a divorcee with 1 child). My other siblings are all busy, 1 married, another a hardworking school student, and that totals 4 of us.

My father moved to another country with a new wife, and sometimes he comes back to see us. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my father because time is not on his side. I pray and ask Allah for help.

I recently found out that I have difficulty expressing my feelings. I have been in this shell most of the time. A friend whom I used to know who can be trusted said: “Why do you keep worrying about what others are thinking about you?”

 I want to reduce my time spent on games, and I wish to know what I want to be in the future. In the house I’m living in now are three ladies and I’m the only guy. I don’t know who I can look up to if I have a problem, and who will be my role model and spend time with. I get jealous some time with my mother who keeps on spending time with my sister who is a divorcee and a mother. The only time we spend together is when we go out for dinner, and then I don’t talk much. I know this is kind of long but I’m trying to tell you more about myself. Thank you for your time. If only I knew of an Islamic website earlier I would have dealt with it sooner.