As salamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatllahi wa barakatuh…

JazakAllah khayrun for writing in with this problem. Bless you sister this is a very difficult problem, and it seems you are really struggling. You should not feel discomfort about writing in, rather it is a very brave step, and may Allah ease your distress from this illness and grant you shifa’ (a cure).

Masha-Allah it is laudable that in spite of the challenges you are facing, you are able to continue your fara’id (religious obligations) – this is excellent, and I think shows a great strength of character – well done! May Allah increase this for you. Be aware sister, that you are still carrying out your obligations since perhaps not realizing this is part of what makes you feel so hopeless – but really that is just satan’s way of making you give up any good you are doing.

My primary suggestion is that you visit your doctor for a psychiatric assessment. It seems that you are suffering from an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and an assessment confirming this will insha-Allah open the door to the right treatment. OCD is a mental health illness. It is made up of two components :

An obsession – usually a recurring, unwanted and intrusive thought. These thoughts are generally negative; distasteful, distressing and can even be frightening-  threatening harm , illness or even death. The sufferer will find themselves unable to get these thoughts out of their mind.

Accompanying the thought is a compulsion – that is an urge to do something to make the reality of the thought go away or ‘make things right’ and be protected from the perceived danger. So for example, you may be pre-occupied with the thought that you have become impure for wu’dhu  by coming into contact with a dog, and the only thing that removes this thought is to repeat your wu’dhu. Hence you make many attempts at wu’dhu before the thought is satiated / satisfied!. The problem is that the behaviour is reinforcing and it can be that the more you respond to the thought by the compulsion – thus ‘seemingly’ feeling better, the more the compulsion is reinforced and the cycle becomes ‘stronger’.

The main form of management for most patients is not to tackle the thoughts, but simply to avoid the initial trigger – for example, you may avoid dogs or not go down certain streets or meet certain people who own dogs etc. Of course this can make daily life in itself practically very difficult.

(Note: It is also possible that you may have obsessive thinking without the compulsion)

Whilst this is a common mental health problem it is particularly known to affect Muslims in the way you have described – impacting on their daily religious observances – wu’dhu / salat,  and slowly making the individual give up practicing them at all.

It is a very distressing and difficult problem, and the daily battle with it can make life very tiring and difficult for the sufferer – not to mention the effect it has on ones social relationships and responsibilities. Hence your thoughts about suicide - since it can feel hard to get away from your own thoughts. But bi idh nillah (with His permission), it can be treated. Allah (SWT) tells us there is no illness to which He has not sent a cure’ Al hamdu Lillah. May Allah give you the strength to overcome it with speed insha-Allah.

The treatment for OCD is both therapeutic and medical. So this is why I suggest you visit your doctor and insha-Allah she/he may be able to prescribe something for you to relieve the intensity of symptoms. However, the other half of the treatment requires psychotherapy and for this you need time.

However in the meantime I will try and give you some general advice below (  as I have said, the actual treatment takes time and requires more information about the problem than you have given), but I will try and address your questions bi idh nillah. You may need to set yourself some shot and long term goals regarding treating this problem insha-Allah. 

Regarding your problems:wu’dhu/spitting.

- You have been told that from a Shari point of wu’dhu when you are suffering from an illness you need not repeat the wu’dhu hence, whenever you have the thought about feeling impure – replace it with reading tawudh (to seek refuge from Allah from the bad), and thinking that you are allowed to pray in that condition given your problem since the Creator wants ease for His creation and worship to not be a burden. Remind yourself that the thoughts are creating a burden not a solution, and causing you to become distanced from the Creator not closer – so the thoughts should be ignored insha-Allah.

Replacing these thoughts takes time and practice but since physiologically the brain is designed to veer towards the positive, not the negative ( this should be no surprise given the fitra (natural disposition) we are born on,  and you can not think about two things at the same time – insha-Allah you will be able to replace the negative thoughts with these healthier ones. The point of this thinking is because it is the fear / anxiety that the thought becomes true that drives the action to break your wu’dhu so you need also to learn not be afraid of the thought bi idh nillah.

Just try and repeat these thoughts to yourself whenever you are making wu’dhu insha-Allah. Over time they will become automatic, and you will bi idh nillah not need to be so active in saying them and they will become part of your unconscious thinking.

- Additionally you may consider each time you have this thought to avoid repeating your wu’dhu until every other time you have to pray or make a weekly target to at least once a day not repeat your wu’dhu in spite of the urge. Start with what you think is the most do-able target and gradually increase it insha-Allah. You will find that you initially feel very anxious at not fulfilling the compulsion, but insha-Allah when you see that there is no danger or negative consequence as you expected the next stage will become easier so insha-Allah try and cope with the anxiety – it will bi idh nillah reduce over the days. You can deal with the anxiety by thinking the above thoughts, and perhaps do some deep breathing or distraction exercises to take your mind off the anxiety you may feel. For example, you may distract yourself by making du’aa’ (supplication) asking Allah (SWT) to help you worship him correctly, or to turn your heart towards the deen (Islamic life transaction) - (these are all masnun (protection) du’aa’s and are available in many books of du’aa’s.) Alternatively just pick an object in the room, and begin to study it in minute detail until the thought subsides. (There are many such techniques, and I can happily supply more if you wish insha-Allah).

- Reassurance is a really important part of managing OCD – so each time to do not repeat wu’dhu or each time to ignore the though just think that as we are told in Qur’an in Surat Al-Inshirah 5/6: After each hardship Allah comes relief. Be aware that Allah (SWT) will reward you your suffering in His way insha-Allah And use this as ‘reassurance.’

You said that previously there had problems regarding dogs but that these had gone –what did you do to reduce this problem? Try and identify the strategies because clearly if they were successful you need to be using them again bi idh nillah.

The same strategies apply for the saliva and fasting problem as well as the distractions during prayer. However, I need not remind you that you are dealing with a lot and so should try and manage one problem at a time insha-Allah. Changing your thinking is not easy and takes time so do not expect and immediate change – but keep going – if it feels harder that is a good sign that shaytan has to be louder because you are challenging him, which means your response is working – so don’t be put off insha-Allah. These are all strategies that shaytan is using to break your resilience, and you contribute to the problem by listening to him – shaytan has no power over you unless you choose to listen to him. Of course for a while the thoughts may increase and the urges become stronger, but over time as you see the physical evidence that nothing happens except that you fulfill your obligations – the related anxiety/ compulsion will decrease insha-Allah.

As regards your ambition to do ‘Umrah – bi idh nillah if the Creator invites you, you should go – it is always in shaytan’s best interest to prevent people from becoming closer to the Creator and the thoughts about you not being able to cope / complete your ‘Umrah are simply another form of encouraging deviation/ distancing by him (shaytan). Make du’aa’ and go ahead.

This is a trial that you are facing and this result only in improved iman (faith) – as you are masha-Allah demonstrating by continuing to become closer to your Rabb (Lord). Just see the wider picture and keep going. It may be exhausting but bi idh nillah make du’aa’ that the strategies suggested ease the burden and eventually reduce the problem.

If you feel that your questions have not been answered adequately insha-Allah please write back with details about the obsessive thoughts and compulsions – such as what the triggers are, how frequent the thoughts and compulsions are, how intense and how long the episodes last, how long you have suffered, how you overcame other episodes etc, and bi idh nillah I will be happy to respond insha-Allah

May Allah make easy the tension you feel and relieve you of these difficulties and give you success in this trial in the dunya and Akhirah because of your struggle.

Many salams and du’aa’s

For further guidance, please try the following link(s):

Dress for Success in this World and the Next

Requirements for Hijab

Struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Beyond Obsession
The Wind Prevails During Ramadan