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Last Update: 04:14 GMT, Tuesday, Dec. 08, 2009 |
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Family
> Cyber Counselor
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Name of Questioner
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humera
- Pakistan |
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Title
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Years Watching My Mother Die Inside
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Question
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I am the oldest of six siblings living in the US with my husband and two boys. I grew up in Pakistan where I always saw my mother suffering because we lived in a joint family with my father's older sister who was a widow. My mother who at the time of her marriage was only 17 is an educated , beautiful,gentle woman was not treated very well and the biggest problems besides all the other issues was that my father cheated on her, my mother is a wonderful Muslim woman who never complained, and raised her 6 children in the best manner she could in spite of the verbal and mental abuse that she tolerated all the time by my father and his sister.
My father was the sole earning hand and had to raise 2 nieces and a nephew , he was a good provider, but not a good father,he has a very short temper and we could never be close to him because of that, he would start yelling and screaming at little things.His temper kept us away from him but the saddest part was that he was nice to other people's kid, he would laugh with them and be nice to them but not to his own kids ad the same was the case with other women he is a different person when he is around his friends and their families and just to tell you a little detail he was involved in politics so we always had different women coming to our house for that matter.
My mother could never confront him because he would make her life miserable till now after 40 years because he is 68, and is still obsessed with women. It breaks my heart to see that a woman who has served him for so many years he has no respect for her, he still curses her out, and insults her. When my mom asks him why he does that he says it is none of her business.
My mother is a God fearing person who is so confused as to how to deal with all this since she herself is not very young anymore, she has a lot of health problems and is not able to tolerate his abuse. He wants her to be a good wife and be nice to him in spite of his cheating and verbal abuse.My mom says that sometimes she doesn't feel like talking to him because of his behaviour, but then fears ALLAH(SWT) that ALLAH would be angry at her for being not nice to her husband.
She is going through mental torture, and says that in this age she can't leave him. She cares for him in spite of all that he has done, but can't take his abuse anymore.
My mom thought about leaving my father several years ago, but couldn't do it because she had children and had nobody to turn to; so she has devoted herself to us and gave a huge sacrifice.
She performed Hajj last year, and said that she prayed that he might change but he would change for a few days and then go back to his old self.
Under these circumstances what are her duties as a wife? What should she do?If she tries to stay away from him by going to my sister's house or my brother's my father gets mad.Also as children what are our duties to our father because he doesn't earn anymore and my brothers give money and sometimes i send my father money but i fear that he spends that money on other women.
My mother is a beautiful woman who was tormented by these sick people please guide us . We can't talk to our father about this because all 6 of us are scared of him, and he already thinks that mother has turned us against him whereas that is not the case. My mom used to discuss the problems with me, but she thinks it is BACKBITING and that she is committing a grave sin by talking to me about father. My fear is that my mother is going to have an emotional and nervous breakdown, she has been relying upon antidepressants for years now ,Please guide us. May ALLAH (SWT) give you reward for helping others.
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| Date | 21/Oct/2009 |
| Name of Counsellor |
Karima Burns |
| Topic | Domestic Abuse, Family Ties |
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Your mother is lucky to have a compassionate and caring daughter that wants to help her, and also has such great insight into her situation. This will be the key to her healing - your support and understanding.
It may be difficult for her to make a change at this point in her life. The trauma of the change may be greater than the challenges she is now encountering with staying. It is hard to know, as I do not know her personally and have only a few paragraphs to gain insight into her life. However, keep this possibility in mind. There are solutions and ways she can change her ways of thinking and things she can do. However, if she is unable to do these things she will need your caring support in her life more than ever.
To be the most effective in your support let her know that no matter what decision she makes you will be there for her. Let her know that you are not judging her and that you accept her decision and that you believe she is wise and able to make the decision that is best for her. Let her know that no matter what you love and adore her. Spend time reminding her about the ways in which she has inspired you and provide her with love, support and reminders about how you admire her as a person and how grateful you are to have her as a mother.
Although your father is abusive to her, a person's life is made up of many people, so you can lessen the effects of his abuse on her by making sure the other people in her life are a strong, frequent and positive energy in her life. I have seen many women overcome abuse by focusing their energies on the other people in their lives instead of their abuser.
To focus this energy away from him she also needs to accept that he is not going to change and start to see the patterns in his actions instead of each action as an individual attack. It seems he has the pattern of always becoming involved with other women, of yelling, of...
If she can expect these behaviors, rather than see each one as a new attack on her, then it can become much easier to shut his voice out of her mind and to hear the voices that love her more easily.
That said, it would be preferable if she could leave the relationship. He is not going to change and the continued abuse is not good for her health - emotionally or physically. Even though the abuse is emotional it can actually cause physical damage. In fact, the physical damage can be even more extensive than if she was hit. I often wonder why there is such a distinction between "verbal" and "physical" abuse as the can both cause many health issues in the victim. Physical abuse can leave bruises and broken bones. However, emotional abuse can cause constant stress on the nervous system and can cause many related health problems. Remember - the nervous system runs the body in many ways. It helps deliver messages to the organs in the body to tell them how to work. If this system becomes stressed the wrong messages can get sent. Anxiety and depression are the two most common results of nervous system stress. However, this stress can also cause ailments as simple as constipation or problems as major as heart disease.
You asked about her rights - she has the basic human right of being treated like a human being and with respect. You also asked about your duties in giving money to your father. You have a right to know where that money is going. If you feel it might be spent on other women you could encourage your brothers to pay your father's rent or utility bills directly instead of sending money. Perhaps you could send your father clothing or food or help pay some of his bills instead of giving him cash.
For further guidance, please try the following link(s):
A Lifetime of Abuse
Being a Woman: Towards Self Understanding & Self Knowledge
Increasing Violence Against Women: A 21st Century Phenomenon?
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