As salamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullah, my dear sister,

From the description you have provided you have been dealing with some trying times. Please remember that this is a test from Allah, and that you have the strength and ability to come through this. It seems to me that two of the biggest challenges in this situation is that of communication between you and your husband, and the need to set some boundaries between both of you and your in-laws.

I know that you have given quite a few details about what has happened from your perspective however it is difficult without having a conversation with both of you to fully understand the situation. It is important however, for your own benefit that you understand your rights Islamically as a woman and a wife. It is also important that you both remember that you and your husband have an Islamic obligation to work at your marriage.

While it is always good to get the nasiha (advice) of our elders, it is important that the decisions made in your household are done through shura (mutual consultation). In your situation, I think that you have to create a boundary regarding the decisions you make. While you may share some things with parents, the decision should be made by both of you, and not be made by parents on either side. Your parents can offer their advice or share their thoughts or concerns, but in your marriage both of you need to make the decisions. Furthermore, your parents need to respect your decisions. It appears that there have been several times decisions were agreed upon by both of you, and then either due to external influences or lack of communication, those decisions were changed without consulting each other. This is a sure way to destroy a relationship. Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) consulted with his wives not only in personal matters, but in regards to affairs that would affect the young Muslim community of that time. It is important that both of you keep this model in mind when you approach the issues that you are facing.

At the same time, you should never disrespect each others' parents. You mentioned that your husband was harsh to your parents. Allah reminds us in the Qur’an the importance of being respectful to our parents. When we get married, we treat the parents of our spouses as our own parents. Additionally, neither of you should try to prevent the other from having a relationship or visiting their parents. Cutting ties with family is a major sin in Islam, and if you stop the other from maintaining ties with family then you will be guilty of this. Understandably, you may not want to involve them in every decision you make, and that is fine, but you should still treat them with respect at all times.

I feel that at the root of many of your challenges is the lack of patience you share with each other. Marriage is supposed to be a source of peace and tranquility. A husband and a wife are both supposed to be garments to each other. From what you have described, neither of you are patient with each other. Instead, you are “short-tempered”, and make irrational decisions in the heat of the moment. I want you to both remember that this is definitely something that will take you both away from Allah. In fact, only Shaytan will be happy that you are both not speaking to each other, and that your marital relationship is a source of pain and sorrow. Both of you would benefit from anger management counseling. I want both of you to think about this: How do you both expect to receive the mercy of Allah when you are both hurting and punishing each other? If there is no room for forgiveness in your hearts, how can you turn to Allah to ask for forgiveness?

If your husband continues to ignore his responsibilities and/or continues to rely on his mother and uncle to make the decisions that affect your marriage, then you need to consider your rights and your options that you are legally given as a Muslim woman. Sadly, in some marriages, it seems that some parents and relatives do not give their children the room to develop their relationships. There is constant interference, and the belief that it is OK to intervene and tell their children how and what to do. This occurs moreso on the side of the parents of the husband, who sometimes think it is their right to dictate the decisions that should be made while they put the wife under a microscope, and try to manage her life. This is inconsistent with Islamic values and often times only adds to discord and unhappiness in the household.

Finally, this problem cannot be resolved by you only. Both you and your husband need to sit together, and make a decision to work on your marriage for the sake of Allah. Initially you need to do so and inform your parents you are working on it and for a short while need to make the decisions that are best for you and not include them in your decision-making. However speak/visit with them in respectful ways that will build stronger bonds. More importantly, both you need to develop a more mature approach to your affairs and learn to be more patient with each other. Remind yourselves why you got married to each other, learn more about the way Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) and his wives interacted with each other, and remember that charity begins at home. Learn to enjoy your relationship, and the opportunities you have with each other. Forgive each other, and  let your love for Allah and each other fill your home.

And Allah knows best.

For further guidance, please try the following link(s):
Communication Between Husband & Wife In Focus