I’m in my mid-twenties, and I have been inclined towards religion since puberty. There have been times when I have gone astray, but later I have repented sincerely and tried not to go regress. I have never been a career oriented person and I have always wanted a peaceful domestic life. I always expected to get married at a young age, that’s why I never really planned about what field to go into.

I completed my masters 1.5 years ago in a commerce subject. My degree is equivalent to an MBA. Sitting at home idly has caused me depression that’s why I decided to work. Instead of working in a corporation, I opted to work in a school, because the environment of schools and the timings are suitable for someone of my nature. However, in 1.5 years only, I have changed my place of work three times. I just don’t find any place that is just. They actually exploit people, lie and give hopes, and then go back on their words. I personally think that I am never going to give into anything that is unjust that’s why I always end up resigning from the job.

The suitors have never attracted me that such. We have had a disturbed family life, and that has imbued me with fear that whoever my parents would bring is not going to be worth spending one’s whole life with. As a matter of fact, none of my suitors have been truly religious. Some do their prayers, but feed themselves on haram, some earn halal, but live in houses constructed from haram sources, and are not even namazi (people who pray). There has never been anyone (a suitor, who I thought of as a real God-fearing man).

I belong to a Syed family (descendent of Prophet Muhammed). So for my family, the thing that matters most is the guy being a Syed. Piety is ignorable. I met someone online 2 years back on a religious site. I loved the way he talked about religion. He wasn’t a regular namazi. He did watch a lot of TV etc., but he knew much about religion. He could actually quote ayats (verses from the Qur’an to support most of the things he said. In fact, he taught me so much that I actually started to understand the spirit of worship.

We belonged to same country, same city; we belong to the same caste, and we have the same surnames. However, we have different mother tongues. Our level of compatibility was outstanding. Even the food and the flavors we liked were similar. We did not have any girl friend/boy friend relationship as such. We never met or talked on the phone, but the fact that I’m talking to a non-mahram online (though we never discussed anything obscene) kept rankling me. I decided to tell him about my feelings for him, because I didn’t want to enjoy the attention of someone who would not be my husband, and neither did I want to give my attention to someone who would not be my husband. He said he never had any intentions, although his attitude always suggested otherwise. I told him that I didn’t want to keep any connections with him, and I cut him off.

He did contact me a lot, and told me that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but I didn’t reply. I don't have anything (habit/ characteristics) that a religious man would not want his wife to have. In fact, I'll make a very honest and sincere wife. I have good looks too. So the fact that he did not even find me worth being considered hurt me so bad that I have lost interest in everything.

My self esteem has gone very low. I feel like sleeping all the time so that I can escape these thoughts. My efficiency has plunged to a disastrous level. I do understand everything happens for the good, and I have been doing Istikhara (prayer for guidance) regularly too, but the pain of being rejected is affecting my thoughts, my health, everything. I keep questioning myself as to what was so wrong with me. If he was religious, and wanted a pious woman, then I would have made a pretty good wife for him.

With time and bad experiences, I have kind of concluded that this world is a bad place (during my prayers, I have told this to Allah also). I feel as if I disagree with everything around me. Workplaces exploit you, people exploit you. I feel like running away to an island, where there isn’t anyone around.

The place I’m working at right now has started to annoy me too, and I’m thinking seriously of quitting from here too. (They are doing some things that are really unreasonable; and I'm not speaking emotionally. Everyone thinks the management is being unfair, but they are losers enough to stand it, and not stand against it). However, if I resign now, my family won’t allow me to work again. Neither are they allowing me to study further; so quitting work means, sitting at home, free, with all kind of depressing thoughts. (We don’t have a pleasant environment at home too; there are problems). Please advise. What should I do? I am a regular namazi, and I try my best to implement religion in every way without hurting anyone around. My depression is at the point where you want your life to end. (I am not thinking of committing suicide, but the thought of death approaching me doesn’t worry me, instead it relaxes me)