I need to break this down so that it doesn't overwhelm me, let alone you.
My fiancé cannot get past my 'past' so this is why we are asking for help.
1. We don't want to end our relationship and walk away from marriage and ideal we hope to build together
2. We don't want to tell my/our parents about our past, especially mine.
In the past (I can’t really remember when 'He' (much older than I) invited that we play a game. I came to realise later that it was what my mother had warned me against - that which is unnatural. There are two reasons why I didn't tell.
First, he was/is family, and my mother could not handle this truth and I was aware that he would be persecuted and I feared both, considering I had love for them both.
Secondly, as a child, this built up a certain curiosity in me. I wanted to know certain things. I felt aroused when there was skin-to-skin contact (not internal penetration). It didn’t feel right. I never asked for it to happen -- just because of the curiosity, but I learnt later (in other un-protected environments) how to achieve the same sort of physical satisfaction - I was in no need of that. Nevertheless, after I made a threat, a look of alarm appeared on his face which made me swear out of guilt (for threatening) not to tell my parents. I didn't ever feel like a victim because I knew it was wrong, but out of fear of what would happen. Also I was the type of child who struggled to say no to people. I lived with this till I was maybe 17 before it I told someone. They might have forgotten it already (I hope). The more I shared my experience with friends (hoping they could learn from all of it) the more I felt empowered and 'over' what had happened.
The scar I bore for many years was that no-one would want a woman who was touched (as my mother had taught me sex education at a very early age in hope that she could protect me with the knowledge). Most of those I know and have heard of who have been through this became/become introvert. They rarely want to have any contact with the opposite gender again.
I desired the opposite. I wanted acceptance. The only regrets I have of this test is that I developed an addiction to physical satisfaction since then until now. I felt guilty and ashamed about doing this, but I could not see another way.
Later when I learnt that it was haram it became even harder to do, AND keep away from. The other remorse I feel is that I dreamt of being loved by a man who would be strong enough to protect me, so I looked to find him in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways.
I didn't grow up in an Islamic environment, but I dreamt of one day creating my own. I couldn't change my parents’ ways even when I was little. I detested the mediocre Islam they expected me to live, and felt they were too hypocritical (my father particularly). I lost respect for him and rebelled against him half of my life. Right now I tolerate their ways as much as I can. I still love them dearly, and I am grateful for all their years!
In recent years I 'came out of the closet' to embrace Islam after finally finding the nerve to say who I want to be- a Muslimah. I remember a girl when I was little who was so humble. I wanted to be like her.
Secondly: I met Adam(fictional name) while I was trying to find a place to study Islam and make hijra (migrate) away from the mediocrity. We developed a distant friendship that was somewhat platonic, but still un-Islamic. He is a convert to Islam, and only recently begun to practice the deen too - better than most I know. Our relationship over the internet (via emails only) developed over 3 years, and we only managed to see the other through pictures (not many at all). When he embraced more of the deen he desired to leave our friendship or pursue a marriage. I secretly had affection for him all this while, and tried to let him know, but now seemed like the opportunity was slipping. I declared myself ready to be an obedient wife to him.
Since the time we had met, I was very inclined towards him. Everything (though I knew little) about him enticed me. He approached my father after months, to establish an engagement. Already there were feelings that he was being too staunch by not wanting to send pictures or make use of the webcam for my parents to see him. But he gave into them seeing his picture, and they later developed a liking towards him. Adam had assumed that I was in a safe Islamic home and thought that he could leave me 'here' till he was ready to receive me financially as his wife (after his studies). He had indicated to my father that he would not be-able to travel to my country to collect me, but would be willing to cover half the expenses or all so that my dad and I could go to him instead to performing the nikah (Islamic marriage) there. My father was reluctant, but agreed because of the pressure he got from me. No dates were set so no planning could be done. All the uncertainties about when, and if it were for real (no-one could fathom that we wanted to get married though we have never spent 'real time' in the others together) made my parents and especially my mum restless about us.
Adam 24 yrs old, had been silent due to studies, and that added fuel to the flame. Other foreign marriages that they (my family) were well acquainted with were having major issues, and so it was discouraged that I get married to a foreigner and move away from home, far away from help if anything were to go wrong. This happened after they agreed on the marriage.
I was about to end our relationship for good because I could not deal with the pressure of my family ( the guilt they wanted me to feel for leaving home and my mother). I wanted to pursue Islamic studies and 'conquer the world.' This all sounds messed up, but it happened. Adam didn't deal with this well at all - me wanting to leave and again committing a sin. However, he asked that we try and he tried to forgive me. Allah knows I wish/wished for him more than any other. So I begged for his pardon, and sought forgiveness from Allah. Adam has had the most powerful influence on my life by putting enough pressure on me, and building hope for this ideal we shared, to stop the vices I had. In this case preservation of the self, i.e. no more smoking or no marriage and never to commit acts of fornication again. Along with the smoking I left the self satisfaction part of my life too (but it returned again).
It has been 6 months not smoking, and 4 months without self satisfaction. Smoking I failed to stop since I started. However, in recent years I had gone through so much just to stop it. I did for 2 months last year and then started again. It was a miracle to me how I stopped. I pledged an oath to Allah with Adam, that I will not indulge in those vices again. And just like that- day after day went by and I wasn't doing it anymore. I was and still am overwhelmed today. I still have the fear of falling, but I wouldn't dare. I am telling you all this so you could understand the impact Adam has on my life. This to me is something tremendous. He is the first human being that CONSTANTLY reminds me of Allah. Why are we so certain about this marriage? When your heart keeps saying something, then it must be true. It is the same heart that leads me to Islam that now leads me to him. Not one ideal did I have to sell to him- he already had it all with him. This Ideal, if you are not willing to die for it then you don't deserve living for it. Imagine that I came to learn that someone has the same ideal that I have been so fervent about, all my years. Imagine he has that same urgency to achieve that ideal- all his years. Imagine that I am even attracted to him and he is attracted to me. Imagine that he has deen (Islamic life transaction), and a desirable character (that he still hopes to improve). Now didn't Prophet Muhammed (SAW) say that was sufficient.
Last year I recited the du’aa Istikhara (in my own words) and I had a true dream about him that night that only he could later explain to me what it was about. It was a truth that he needed to come clean with. He did al hamdu Lillah. This increased his certainty, as mine had already reached its limit then. This was before the ‘intruder’ came. After the ‘intruder’ left we re-established our engagement, a lot firmer than before. We performed Istikhara again. It was around my birthday. I had just stopped smoking, and we also decided to fast on Mondays and Thursdays (I am just indicating the extra ordinary circumstances during this period). Days had gone by, and my night dreams were almost like nightmares. I was exhausted already from praying, and despondent due to lack of clear signs. On the 7th/ 8th night of performing the prayer (a day before my birthday) I made the final attempt. This time I asked for clear signs. I slept in wu’dhu (ablutions), and I made a new dhikr (of a kind) for the first time and it moved me to tears. I set my alarm so that I could eat before Fajr (dawn) that day. I don't know if it was the alarm that woke me or the dream. I awoke for suhur (pre-fast meal), I didn't know whether to laugh or cry but I was grateful to Allah for the sign, and I prayed 2 rakats of Salat-ul Shukr.
Three: My parents have been impatient with our impending marriage because no-one’s life can really move on till something solid gets done. Either he sets a date to come down or sets up studies, accommodation or something. Also, Adam and I have been trying to keep things Islamic by having our conversations supervised. I can understand however that no-one wants to sit in for hours on end in an activity that they are not involved. After months of arguing about this we decided that instead of fighting with our parents about this we would have to fight our own nafs while alone on the telephone or email because no-one cares or is patient enough to sit-in on our conversations. We also did not have the ability to be silent to the other nor would it be healthy, and it would create even further disturbance when the other becomes too silent. i.e. my parents would begin to worry again about me waiting for someone/something in vain. Later on they were indoctrinated with information that made them fear human trafficking. This one has plagued my heart too. Each time I manage to work it out of my system something small triggers it again. The ones who planted the seeds of trafficking (of my family) did so very well and rigorously. They know of a foreign marriage that also cost someone their safety. Now they really are demanding that he meets them according to the customs of our culture. During this time affections increased, and so Adam had now seen that marriage over long distance became almost necessary to ensure that we do not transgress (and we should not be ignorant to think that transgression cannot take place over long distance). Needless to say with all this negative propaganda they now completely rejected the marriage. It didn't help when we approached some ulema (Islamic scholar) who also confirmed that it is respectful/honourable for him to meet me and marry me here. Why can’t he come then? Then...: He was busy with studies (completing 2yrs in one), and trying to sort out our scholarship for Islamic studies. He intended to travel to the East to secure it so he needed to sort out his documents for another travel too. He then also had to prepare for a marriage and accommodation for us where he lives until we move to the East. Now: He is ill. All the pressure from the family has taken a toll on his nervous system. He did not do his final exam of his final year. He can’t travel to secure the scholarship. He could not fast this Ramadan, find us accommodation or sort out his documents. So it is obvious that he cannot sit in a long flight to another country because of his health. In addition to this his system is sensitive to wireless signals (transmissions), which affects his health temporarily, so he cannot even meet my parents on webcam currently as well as being sensitive to the way they have treated him. There is now a serious imbalance in the relationship between him and my parents. They believe that he is disrespecting them, and he believes that they are disrespecting him (by not keeping their words and saying undesirable things about him behind his back. This is the way I see it. My fiancé is also super sensitive to that which is not Islamic especially when these 'acts' comes from Muslims. He is an Islamist and my family although Muslim seems to be far away from Islam. This of course you cannot tell them or they will become defensive and alienate you. I fear that one who breaks ties with their kin is cursed by Allah I think, so I don't intend to do this, as I am not the one who should judge.
The problem is, my parents and people don't know how much they are asking for (especially because they don't know about one of the major issues Adam fears doing- shaking hands with violators). Nor can they know. He finds it hard being quiet when Allah’s rights are not met.
The advice we seek is... How do we move forward? How does he move forward? One day he has to be intimate with me insha-Allah. Certain details of my life I needto tell him to prevent him from hearing from another. I don’t believe I would be doing him a service if I kept it from him, as men are different from women. He states that it’s not forgiveness for me that is due ( as he already has he says) but healing. I understand this. I too have to heal from the thoughts of him with another. How do we deal with my parents? I don't see them planning on embracing the mere essence of Islam prior to this marriage so we have to live through their ways till that time. Is there any plausable solution to our situation? We are praying but now we have to tie our camel. Here is wear we are trying to tie it. We cannot see a life without the other, please, I beg you, be sensitive enough not to go near that as a suggestion.
