We thank you for sharing with us a problem that quite a few sisters seem to share. As much as possible, you have tried to tolerate what seemingly is the hypocritical behavior of your husband. It can be difficult to love a man who is loved by others, but behaves completely in another way entirely in private. You are the only one privy to his other side, which seems to lock you into the situation. You feel unable to turn the situation around, or to share your concerns, because nobody would believe you unless they saw it for themselves. However, you know him best, so only you can decide whether his behavior is one of the following, but first look at him with an open heart so your judgment can be fair:

Kibr (pride)

A person believes that others are inferior to them self, and others are doomed, and demonstrates it to others. On a more ingrained level, kibr becomes ujb (self conceit); those who possess the qualities that they profess to have (knowledge, wisdom) are vilified by them. They reject every other discipline, except their own which they happen to know very little of.

Riya (hypocrisy)

This kind of person is polytheist in nature, by doing conveying his religious beliefs and practices for the sake of others, and not for the sake of Allah (SWT). In this way the person is forming partners with Him. The person may perceive themselves as believers, but is in fact an idolater. At the second level, the person performs their good deeds in front of others for selfish reasons, as the ego becomes dominant. At the third level, there is an increased appetite for sensual pleasures, and the dividing line between right and wrong becomes blurred.

Sister, also try to consider the human dimension, and that is your husband does not have the means to command the kind of respect which he would like within the community in which you live as far as his perception would allow. It is probably the kind of community, that places great emphasis on the attributes performed by your husband, and as such your husband tries to live up to those social standards, but in reality he cannot. In reality he is reminded as such every time he returns home. As much as possible, he holds back on his family, so that he can maintain the social position he desires.

As a wife, over a period of time, you may have conveyed a level of acceptance, which has allowed your husband to continue in that manner. In your attempts to regain balance, you have met with resistance from him. Sometimes, such husbands must be faced with a real choice, in order to begin to listen to the wife. That choice just might be you seeking employment so that you are not continually embarrassed by asking your husband for your basic needs, and the basic needs of the children. If you staying at home is a part of the social status your husband wishes to maintain, then maybe he will begin to consider his options. If not, maybe you will have to just confront him with the reality of having no food in the house for example, so that he will begin to become more conscious of his marital, and family responsibilities. If you do it in a matter of fact way, rather than in a harsh manner, he will be less likely to react harshly. Sometimes the simple ways of a wife who respects herself, and a mother who does what she can are the emotionally less distraught ways of dealing with an issue that can become unnecessarily complicated.

Let us know how you get on sister, but most of all enjoy the challenge!

For further guidance, please try the following link(s):
Communication Between Husband & Wife In Focus