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Last Update: 11:06 GMT, Wednesday, Dec. 09, 2009 |
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Family
> Cyber Counselor
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Name of Questioner
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Mary
- United States |
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Title
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A Miserable Life With a Second Wife
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Question
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As salamu ‘alaykum…
My husband took on a second wife 2 years ago, and since then, our lives have been completely miserable. He constantly fought with this girl, and during the 2 years of marriage, he gave her 3 verbal talaq’s (pronouncement of divorce.
Before the last talaq was said, she became pregnant. After 2 months of giving her the divorce, my husband went to a sheikh, and asked him if he can take back any of the divorces. The sheikh then agreed he can take her back. The sheikh’s reason was that one of the talaq’s was said in order to scare her, and his intention was not to divorce her.
Under my understanding I don’t think Allah would allow a man to continue to scare the wife by giving her a talaq, and then take it back because he said it to scare her. A man can take total advantage of this, and everyday he can say talaq, and then say it didn’t count, because he said it to scare her.
I have read many fatwa’s (religious edicts), and I have talked to many sheikh’s and once the word talaq is said and the man is fully conscious of what he said, the talaq is valid, and irrevocable. Since then, my husband has taken back this girl as his wife. I have asked the sheikh that knows their situation inside out, and he has stated that under no circumstance can he return her as his wife. He is now living in zina (fornication). I told my husband this, and I made sure I checked with other sheikhs and they all agree that all of his talaq’s were valid, because after each divorce was said, my husband announced that she has been divorced 3 times to all the family, and friends, and the sheikh.
Now my husband has said to me, it doesn’t matter what anyone says, because he went to one sheikh, and this sheikh told him that he can return to her. So, if he is wrong, he has to repent to Allah, then he can continue to live with her as his wife -- and it is halal. I told him this is not right, when you know that this sheikh is wrong, you will have to account for not seeking the truth. My husband’s intention was to divorce her, since this girl was so bad, and he always made plans to divorce her. He even wrote it down many times, that I divorce you, but did not give her the letter. He even told me many times, and well as his friends and family, that he intends to divorce her. Even the day they got married he said, that he did not want to marry her, and wanted to end the relationship right away. So the intention of divorce was there, and my husband did not tell the sheikh the whole story of his marriage in the correct way. All of the friends and family are trying to talk to him to tell him that he is living in zina, but he refuses to listen to anyone, and continues to be with this girl.
I am at my wits end with this situation, and there have been numerous problems, and I am seeking a divorce, because I cannot live like this anymore. He is actually hiding his relationship with this girl, and even told the sheikh that knows everything that he divorced her. He is scared that the sheikh will tell him that he is living in zina, and think badly of my husband.
He is trying to hide that he is still married to her, and keeps her in a small town, where no one knows them, and does not introduce her to anyone. Can you please help me in this situation and tell me what I can do, to let my husband realize that he is living in zina. I am fighting with my husband constantly about this, and I cannot let it go, because it makes me so upset that he is allowing this girl to take total control over him. Please I am at my wits end; I do not know what to do. I am seeking Allah’s help all the time, and making du’aa that he sees that truth that he is living in zina. I just cannot continue living like this.
His marriage to this girl has destroyed our marriage, and he admits he hates her and is not happy with her, but he took her back for the sake of his child. Can you please give me some advice on what to do, and please don’t tell me to go to anymore sheikh’s because my husband will not listen to anyone of them.
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| Date | 20/Oct/2009 |
| Topic | Second Wife, Self development |
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As salamau 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh...
We are sorry for the circumstances in which you find yourself, and the level of anxiety which it is causing you can be appreciated. It cannot have been easy to try and comprehend the nature of what is going on around you, especially when one holds a negative disposition towards the actions of others, especially those one loves.
I want to put you in the shoes of the 'girl', your husband's second wife.
You have married someone in the knowledge that you are in fact his second wife. Even still, liek most newly married couples, you have a elevel fo insecurity, which is heightened becuase you have no idea how you will be welcomed by your co-wife, his first wife. You become a member of a new family to find that your fears have become real, and rather hnour thses fears an express them with your husband, you say and do other things which are an expression of those fears, but to others is an indication of ill-intentions. Of course these actions causde problems with your husabnd, and marital relations seem to become more and more difficult with each passing day. Your husband complains to others, although his actions lean on wanting to control the situation. Out of a need to control the situation, your husband tries to threaten you, so that you will calm down, and that threat (not intended) comes in the form pronouncement of divorce. Here, if your husband's intentions was to pronounce divorce, it would not be valid, becuase he said it in a state of uncontroled, which means he was not acting from his faculty of reason - becuase of this, this talaq, would not be accepted. However, the emotions of everyone involved ihas complicated the series of events, in addition to which you have found yourself pregnant. Your husband seeks counsel with a series of sheikhs, but only one sheikh speaks froma point of reason, i.e. Islam, whilst the others speak from the point of culture, or gender, which is complicated becuase not all of the sheikhs have been told the same story in the same way. Your husband accepts the counsel of the only sheikh who seems to fall on the side of reason. Besides, even if your husband was to divorce you, he would still be in a position to return to you as husband, before the Iddah (waiting) is over. The Iddah is so that if the wife is with child, the father can resume his responsibilities.
Now I do not know if you are a Muslim dear sister, and if you have married your husband as a Muslim, but the situation which you have described is a reflection of emotions, and maybe differing cultural values rather than an expression of Islam and the rights it bestows upon a person. Yes, only one sheikh amongst all those consulted did state that your husband has not in fact divorced his second wife, but this does not mean that he is wrong and all of the others are right. It all depends on how each sheikh was informed of the situation, as well as whether the sheikhs gave counsel on the basis of Islam, culture, or gender-bias. If some sheikhs in the country in which you are resident in can advise an unmarried girl to get hymen replacement surgery as acceptable before getting married instead of being honest about her ‘relations’, then it goes to show that one needs to seek a sheikh who counsels according to Islam.
Below are some links that can give you further advice, but if you are still intent on getting khul’ (divorce by a wife), then you are free to if you still find this woman as a co-wife as being unacceptable. Do not force your husband from going against his better judgment, try to understand and respect him, so that you do not bring in unnecessary complications into your life insha-Allah. We pray that your husband is in a position to treat his wives with equity emotionally, physically, and financially as is the right of co-wives in Islam, insha-Allah. If sustained, women who have learned to become competitive because of men can learn to become sisters, and true sisterhood is a treasure beyond measure which cannot truely be appreciated until one has experienced it!
Sister, take a deep breathe, take time out for yourself (a day or a weekend), and reflect.
Jazakum Allahu Khayrun…
What Are My Reasons for a Second Wife?
Polygyny and the Prenuptial Agreement
Your Marriage, Your Contract & the Law
Seeking Divorce from a Husband Who Wants a Second Wife
Life After a Second Wife
Taking a Second Wife to Have a Son
Cowives Speak Out
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