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Last Update: 10:51 GMT, Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2009 |
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Family
> Cyber Counselor
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Name of Questioner
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sister
- United Kingdom |
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Title
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I Have Realized I am Unhappy
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Question
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As salamu ‘alaykum…
I am really hoping you can help me with the recent problems I have been having. I have been married for almost 7 years - I got married when I was 18. Al hamdu Lillah, I have 2 lovely children. However, recently I have been thinking about my marriage and have realized I’m unhappy. There are a number of reasons for feeling this way. I will outline some of these.
We do not spend enough time together, we both work, but even when we are at home I always push for us to go out for a meal, take the children out or just generally spend some time together, but his idea of spending time together is a quick fumble, not considering my needs, he just does what he wants and walks away, and does not sleep in the same bed with me, as it makes him uncomfortable. If I say let’s go out to watch a movie or something he will say no maybe another time, but when his friends ring he is out of the door like there’s no tomorrow. He does not have an ounce of any romance in him, in the years we have been married he has never made the effort to buy me a gift. I can only recall him buying me something 4 times in the last 7 years of marriage.
It has occurred to me that his main priority is his mother and sister who live abroad in Pakistan; sending money to support them is very important to him, which again is fine as it is his duty to provide for his mother. I really don’t have a problem with that, except isn’t it his duty to keep me happy too?
I have a bad habit, which is that I smoke cigarettes, not heavily though. It’s something which he doesn’t approve of, however, a subject which he does not wish to discuss as it’s considered to be a major sin in his eyes.
He has been very awkward recently, he told me that he was going to see a friend and came home 15 minutes later to catch me in the act, however I had finished and the smell was enough for him to break the door down, and for him to shout and not to speak to me since. I come home to find my letters opened, and my bank statements, with my expenditures highlighted, and also my bag is checked on a daily basis as well as wardrobe etc, maybe he is just nosey, but what about a little privacy.
He badgers me on about my weight, which I have put up with over the last few years. He only gets angry if he sees a fizzy drink or any form of chocolate in the house, which only results in me stressing and overdosing on the junk food at work.
He’s not happy that I am taking regular driving lessons. He thinks that I am wasting money, and having one here and there is fine, however this would only make things easier for me with the children and getting to work and back etc. I have tried talking to him but he doesn’t want to know. He does not speak to me at all, when I try to discuss these matters with him he just ignores me.
Quite frankly, I am tired, really tired. I have worked so hard for my marriage and for my family. I work full time, pick my children up from the childminder, come home to cook, clean, etc., etc., and I do try and make him happy, but he’s got to help me out a little bit too. I am just tired of him, I want to move on, and feel that I would be a whole lot better off coming home to a peaceful and calm environment rather to having some stranger who refuses to speak to me, and quite frankly ignores me. However, having said this, I will be disowned by my family if I even considered divorce; they are very cultural and will not support me in this, discussing the matter with them will not help either as they will side with my husband and not me. What should I do? Thank you for taking the time to read my concerns.
Jazakum Allah Khayrun
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| Date | 03/Sep/2009 |
| Name of Counsellor |
Hwaa Irfan |
| Topic | Marital Obstacles |
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As salamu ‘alaykum sister…
From the view of a fly on the wall sister, your marriage, at least the way you describe it is quite comical. This of course is not your intention, but you summed up your situation in one word when you referred to him as a stranger – neither of you knows anything about the other!
Your Husband
- He likes to make love to you, and to go out with his friends
- He dislikes you smoking and your consumption of junk food
- He dislikes the idea of you driving
- He likes to do things you do not want to do
You
- Work outside the home, and inside the home
- You like to go out, and do distractive activities together
- You want to drive for practical reasons
- You like to do what he does not want to do
You have both sailed through this marriage without communicating your likes, dislikes, your needs, thoughts, and any personal impressions remains tucked into your subconscious’s. Much cannot be gained that way in a marriage. You have spent little time getting to know one another, and it would seem that you are both uncomfortable with one another. Whereas you use outdoor activities to get over the discomfort, he uses his friends to get over the discomfort.
One of the main things sister is you need to appreciate sister is that you do not seem to like love making at all, whereas your husband does. One of the intricacies of intimacy for a woman, is the non-physical communication that takes place before love making, which is something that men in general need to learn. We are more or less told so in the Qur’an:
{…He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect } (Ar Rum 30: 21).
And what you are depriving him of sister is the first half of the above verse:
{ And one of His signsis that He createsmates for your from yourselves that you may find rest in them…}(Ar Rum 30: 21).
Fir both halves of the above verse to join together in your marriage you both need to consider each other, and to help him understand your needs and vice versa. Whereas in your case you have created a ‘blind spot’ by making your needs more important than his, you have missed out on:
- What would help to create a closer relationship between the both of you, which is why now you have realized why you are unhappy, and…
- The fact that you are not comfortable with him in bed, might be the main reason why he prefers to sleep on his own
- The fact that you prefer not to have intimate relations, is the reason why he has been rummaging through your personal belongings – yes, that’s right he suspects that you might be having a relationship with another man!
Since this ‘distance’ has been going on for some time within your marriage, crossing the bridge towards each other might be difficult because this way of relating to one another has become habitual. However, I doubt that your husband has divorce on his mind, and if you mention divorce, he might consider it a confirmation of what he suspects. Given this situation, you both might try something new within your marriage, and see where it takes you both.
Why not consider letting your relatives having the children one day-a-week (preferably on the weekend), and instead of going out for a meal, prepare a candle-lit meal at home – just the two of you. You can either dress casually, or for each other, and just sit together with some gentle music in the background to help the both of you relax. It might seem awkward at first, because the occasion calls on both of you to be together without any distractions, but if you show you just want to be with your husband, he might warm to the occasion. Start with talking about light subjects (do not bring others into the conversation because it is about getting to know one another). See where it takes you, and plan for the next occasion. Routine is a killer, and dulls the senses, but by trying new, you add a flicker of life to what has become lifeless. Enjoy sister, for life is too short to go collecting all the little difficulties by making them into one large mess!
Ramadan Kareem!
For further guidance, please try the following link(s):
Communicating Effectively With Your Spouse
Worshiping Idols in the Heart
An Uncommunicative Husband
Anger in the Family
Love & Intimacy in Marriage
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