As salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh Brother.

Jazaka-Allah khayrun for writing in with this problem, You have masha-Allah highlighted some very important considerations.

There appears to be two core issues to your difficulty

a) Your fiancées past and

b) Cultural differences around friendships

Part of accepting any proposal involves accepting ones spouse’s past. This applies equally to both individuals. This is perceived to be more complicated when individuals revert to Islam – however, there should be no need for this complication since Allah (SWT) forgives all that comes before Islam, and if Allah (SWT)  forgives then who is the creation to show disapproval? Imagine if the Prophet (SAW) had, held this view about all the Sahabas (Companions) who came to the deen (Islamic life transaction) – there would be little brotherhood or Islamic spirit.  Marriage to a ‘revert’ – for want of a better word, is a choice. If you accept that choice then it is rather unjust to ‘blame’ the individual for their life before Islam. If we look at the Unique Qur’anic Generation – they practiced the ‘unforgiveable’ in Islam – polytheism,  yet their conversions made them the best people, and when we talk about them now we cannot even recall their pre-islamic behaviours. Such should be the case here. (Indeed descriptions of Muslims as ‘reverts’ / ‘converts’ contribute to this phenomenon since it is a constant and unnecessary reminder of what one was not who one is – that is, simply a Muslim. Levels of ‘practice’ of the deen are irrelevant for others since many people born Muslim are not practicing at all. So I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed first by reflecting on our own behaviour).

Regarding your fiancées past behavior,  my advice is that you do not dwell on this, and remind yourself on what she was instead of who she is now, nor who she will be in the future. The same applies to us all. This will also help her in trying to re-define her identity. I am saying this because I want insha-Allah for you to think about your own assumptions here, and their effect on your relationship. Marrying a ‘Revert’ to Islam is something you need to deal with as it is a choice you made, and not their responsibility / fault – and sadly this is how many ‘revert’ brothers and sisters are made to feel by their spouses – guilty for their past. Your fiancée will have her own adjustments to make and it is obviously a challenging time – May Allah make it easy for you both. Insha-Allah you should see it as an opportunity to support and develop another persons iman (faith) bi idh nillah (by His permission) as well as your own.

In terms of the cultural differences – this is something you will both need to think about managing especially since you yourself was not born in your country of residence – so you are living cultures/ religions amongst other cultures and religions– not easy!  Do not underestimate the impact cultural differences have on marriage – it can be quite detrimental if not acknowledged, identified, and discussed, and you will need to do this for a while until you become familiar with each other. All of this of course takes place after your marriage. My concern for you at this point is that the relationship you have currently set up seems to have the nikah in the distance rather than the focus of meetings. As it is the khalwa (close proximity) you and your fiancée are involved in is not allowed, and as you have found has led to some predictably haram behavior; yet you seem to be continuing these meetings. I am wondering what the purpose behind them is? You both, insha-Allah need to be honest with yourselves, and take yourselves to account here.  This is not the start you should encourage in your marriage insha-Allah.

My advice essentially is to get some adults involved who may act as chaperones to you both, and set a deadline to make a decision. You must insha-Allah make this decision as you are otherwise setting a precedent for your relationship.  The point of marriage is to complete your deen, and to empower each other to become more faithful not less.

Regarding your questions:

1. Your fiancées’ skills as a mother when she was raised without a mother present due to illness:  This is a difficult question to answer as the research does not focus on the child’s subsequent parenting skills. Negative effects  on parenting skills where children are raised with a parent with mental illness is a possibility (though not always), and occur because the child models the behaviour that it sees since its examples of parenting come from it parents so of course, any problems there may be repeated in the future. However, in this case you say your fiancée  was separated from her mother so this does not apply so much. This then leaves consequential factors of childhood separation from the mother, and levels and type of contact experienced. Research suggests that some children of parents with a severe and enduring mental illness can experience levels of emotional, psychological and behavioural problems. Partly this may be genetic, and partly because children may become socially more vulnerable due to the effects of mental illness on the family, For instance, parents with a severe illness are more likely to experience poverty due to time off work, and no financial support which in turn can affect their children’s mental health. Research also suggests possibility of personal –confidence problems such as, social difficulties, need for isolation, difficulty in forming close relationships. But I assume these are issues you will both be aware of insha-Allah and you are supporting her to handle if they apply.

In addition to this, your fiancée’s parenting skills may be influenced by the parenting she experienced with her father – the skills he used in raising her as well as the behavioural examples of other close female role models she may have had.

It does not necessarily follow that as she had no mother so she does not have the skills for motherhood since my clinical work tells me many people who have both sets of parents struggle with parenting themselves – no one is born with a handbook on how to be a parent! But it is affected by personal character as is the case with all parents.

So the answer to your questions is - there may be some problems or no problems at all. Insha-Allah you should just both be aware of the possibilities and work with them as they arise rather than predict them at this early stage. However, insha-Allah your fiancées turning to the deen will introduce her to a new style of parenting with some clear expectations and roles. Try and find some literature that looks at parenting skills and highlights what these roles/ expectations are and go through them together insha-Allah

2) Male friends : It is very difficult for our revert brothers and sisters to adjust to a new life which is often dramatically different to what they are used to – though of course it depends on individual character. Most Muslims struggle with the balance between culture and religion, and their experience is no different. It seems what your fiancée may be experiencing is this problem, and the fact that these male friends are also Muslim makes it more complicated since one would expect those Muslims brothers to support her in drawing the boundaries and it seems they are not – simply by maintaining the ‘friendship.’ Such friendships are of course common in non –Islamic cultures, and sadly I see many Muslims who have friends of the opposite sex- clearly this is not allowed and this is a message you need to give to your fiancée and indeed one you must adhere to yourself. You will forgive me for saying, but you yourself are giving her mixed messages since you are currently a male friend, and will remain until you get married, and as you have admitted your relationship is already casual as far as the deen is concerned. Therefore, it is somewhat understandable that she will consider it acceptable to have male friends since you currently are playing the role of a boyfriend. This is not the behaviour you should be modeling as the ‘shepherd’ of your new family – as the inconsistency will be bound to cause her confusion, and more worryingly give her the wrong impression about Islam. Demanding anything from her at this stage is difficult because the marriage is taking so long, and technically you have no rights over her behaviour until marriage takes place.  So perhaps one way to drive the message home is for you yourself to set some boundaries regarding your relationship with her and ask her to end these meetings.

I suggest that you both sit together with a third party and think again clearly about the relationship you want, and what marriage in Islam involves and agree some expectations etc as my impression is that you are both somewhat confused about your needs. Getting married is like any decision we make in life – it involves a level of risk (be it emotional or practical), but the chance we take with the level of risk is our own decision. If you feel the risk is too great and that the consequences of this behaviour will be destructive to your marital relationship then you are both free to change your minds.

My suggestion to you both is that you get some adults involved who can help you to manage this situation, and that may mean that you have to compromise on some of your needs, but I think insha-Allah you need some support and structure to this process.

3) Regarding the nikah: I am not sure what you mean when your brother in- law says under the Islamic nikah she has no rights so I cannot comment. Perhaps what you should both agree to do is go to your local imam and invite your fiancées brother and discuss the issues with him, and agree a plan with him – that way the plan is more likely to go ahead insha-Allah.

May Allah make clear the matter for you both and may He protect you from any harm and give you the best and happiest outcome to your difficulty.

Salams and du’aas

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