I am in my 20s and I pray, I fast, and I contribute sadaqa (charity). I fell in love with my cousin, and proposed to her. Later on we got married. We live a long distance relationship, as we are waiting for her visa to come insha-Allah. I am madly in love with her. We have a great relationship, physically (when I visit her) and emotionally, I couldn't be happier with my life, except for one problem... I have an issue that has been greatly bothering me for the past 9 months.

It started a few months before I got married. A few Muslim friends and I were watching a movie at one of my friend’s house, when one of them commented that a woman in the movie was good looking, the rest agreed. I was very bored and in my mind I thought that the male was the better looking one in the couple and that he was good looking. This thought has caused me great distress. It has caused me to question my sexuality, even though I know I am 100% NOT gay, people have told me that the thought I had was perfectly fine, and not gay and after a lot of thought I now believe this. Before this situation I had no problems saying a man was good looking, and NEVER questioned my sexuality. I regret that one night greatly, and wish I never left my house that night, due to the grief it has caused me.

I hate the homosexual life style, and their beliefs, and I think I am a homophobe. I have never had these thoughts in my life, except once (5 months before these thoughts began) when a gay working at a department store touched my shoulder, when I tried on some clothing; and I questioned for 1 week whether or not I was attracted to what happened, which I WAS NOT. I was disgusted at what happened and contemplated conducting physical harm to the individual working at the store.

When browsing pictures of friends on Facebook, I would stare at their pictures and question myself, whether or not I think they look good or if I am attracted to them, and see if any signs of attraction would arise. The same would go for any picture that I would come across of a male, or any male that I would see in person at work. The answer is always NO I AM NOT attracted to them. I would sometimes test myself and imagine homosexuals in my mind, and their actions that they do intimately to see whether or not I was attracted, I would always be disgusted and NOT attracted. I would question my sexuality, the way I sit, the way I talk, the way I do any actions in my day to day life, and I would analyze to see if they resembled a homosexual. I would ask my brother, mother, and at times my wife, whether or not the actions I conducted were gay, or any thoughts I had could possibly be gay, and whether or not I was gay, I would have them re-assure me time and time again, that I was normal.

In my mind I know that I am 100% NOT gay, I have a great sexual desire towards women, and I have a great sexual relationship with my wife, but I still question and need re-assurance. I even researched Islamic websites on the issue of homosexuals, and see whether or not people are born gay or if their are situations that can lead people to this disease that is out of their control. These thoughts have controlled my mind, and cause me distress. I think sometimes it would be better to die, than to have these thoughts continue to haunt my mind. Sometimes these thoughts had lead me to continue watching woman in pornography, something that I had given up once I knew I was getting married, as I have been watching woman in pornography since I was 14 years old.

When I stay occupied by hanging out with my friends, I rarely have these thoughts. Al hamdu Lillah I talked to a Imam at a local mosque and he told me nothing is wrong with me, and that I am perfectly normal, just the shaytan is trying to play with my mind. He has given me a du’aa (supplication) to conduct. Since then I have stopped asking my family and wife, whether or not my thoughts and actions could possibly make me gay, and actually went a few days without thinking about the issue, but the question has arose again and runs through my head.

I question my up-bringing as my parents divorced when I was roughly 11 years old, but I always had a role model (neighbour), I feel that in my life I have had an adequate male role model, and I have ruled this out as being an underlying issue (afterall other people grew up perfectly fine without fathers), I always did male activities and had a normal life like any other boy. I keep searching for any possible reasons why I have these thoughts. I think they are just waswasas whispers of shaytan). As I type this I realize how stupid and minor these thoughts are, but I know they will still bother me (with the help of Allah (SWT). Insha-Allah they will go away).

These are not the only issues I have, I also have fears regarding how I am seen in my wife's eyes, the envious eyes of those who envy, and about si’ir (black magic), but they are minor compared to the issue at hand. Please any insight into why and how to remedy these issues, and why they started (the first time in my life ~2 months before my marriage even though my wife and I had been in a relationship for 3 months before the thought of marriage arose) would be great. I know the thoughts are stupid, and are nothing of importance, but it seems I like to stress my self out on minor issues, this has been true in my past. May Allah (SWT) also help others with any issues they may have.

Ameen.