As salamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh Sister. Jazaka Allah khayran for writing in with this very important issue. The relationship with the in-laws is one that is often raised, but with little positive feeling. Insha-Allah it is in fact a relationship that can be so nurturing, and beneficial if one chooses to take advantage of it in all it’s forms, but this means compromise and negotiation – something , for many reasons, many people are not prepared to do for this particular relationship. This seems to happen in spite of the knowledge that within religious and social cultures it is a very influential relationship. So al hamdu Lillah it is a blessing that you are concerned about it – Allah (SWT) reward you for this.

As so many ahadith tell us, it is an obligation upon us all to maintain these ties of kinship’ in the best possible way if only to gain the  Mercy we so often seek from Allah. It is often the case that we do not complete the obligations of these ties yet seek immediately to be distanced from them when there are problems. But of course the two are inter-twined. I am not saying this is your intention here, I am just trying to put the problem in a wider context.

My impression is that the success of this relationship lies in the balance between responsibility, charitable behaviour and avoiding unnecessary difficulty for yourself.(Since so often due to the nature of this relationship closeness can quickly turn in to control and this can create a lot of tension). The balance of behaviour is neatly summed up for us in the hadith

“Refrain from harming others for this will be regarded as a charitable deed for your own good.” ( Bukhari, 48:1 #140) So it seems giving others their rights is enough.

Unfortunately this simple idea is often lost amongst social and family cultural obligations to demonstrate excessive love through acts of self sacrifice and giving and taking. This is good and adds love to a relationship, but all this has its place and when one behaviour is excessive – it tends only to cause a problem in another area of the relationship. What I mean is the relationship can tend in these situations to become lost and separated from the behaviours and the intention lost in competitive acts and the rights ( the True giving) actually ignored thus causing difficulty not benefit; hence the significance of the balance. We are described in Qur’an as the  balanced nation so our behaviour to the creation should always insha-Allah be balanced and I think it is a lack of balance that causes problems in this relationship ( as with many things).

The hadith in Muslim tells us of a man who complained to Prophet Muhammad (SAW) that his relatives were unkind to him whilst he treated them well and the Prophet (SAW) said:

“If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that” (An-Nawawi #1615)

The statement at the start (If you are as you say…) is important since many people believe they are doing the right thing but upon reflection are not. So the first question I would ask you to ask yourself is – Is there a part of you that wants your family to have closer relations you’re your husband than your husbands family and do you see retaining this relationship as the standard of ‘justice’ between the two family relationships? It is easy and understandable to defend one’s family, but not if what you are defending is unjust – family loyalty can not over-ride justice since justice itself is part of family obligation as we are told in Qur’an:

{Whenever you speak, be just, even if it affects your own relatives and fulfil your Covenant with Allah. These are the things which He has enjoined on you so that you may be mindful} (An-Anam 6: 152).

I have seen many people defend their families where they are wrong, simply because they are family – where is the loyalty to the  Haq? This may seem an obvious point Sister and forgive me if it is, but I have seen many cases where Sisters are unhappy about this relationship because they would rather be the ones/ their families who are benefitting and not their in-laws – they seem unaware that they appear to trade one injustice with another. Be honest about this. If it applies to you insha-Allah awareness of this  will change your reaction. Remember the allegiance is to the Haq (Truth) since Allah (SWT) makes the Haq ‘s allegiance to the benefit of the people so you can never be unjust in implementing this no matter what the reaction is.

You ask masha-Allah about the shari hukm (rules of Islamic law), regarding the expectation on these relationships and al hamdu Lillah this is your benchmark. You need do no more or less than this. So, in case that the above does not apply to you, (then forgive the question insha-Allah). Think about the answers from the scholar below to your questions.

Regarding the behaviour of your sister-in-law, insha,Allah first I would advise you to encourage your parents to address this issue directly since censure from a vulnerable person can be psychologically more effective than censure from a peer. If it is not a problem for them, then consider why you feel the need to raise it? We often can take on battles on behalf of others because we ourselves have our own issues with these people – and when they can not be voiced it is easier to do so through a third party and an apparently different cause. I am not saying this is the case with you but I am asking you to reflect on the reasons behind your concern and keep the intention insha-Allah as pure as possible as the outcome of your involvement depends on this.

If they do request a change in her behaviour from her directly, and  she does not change then insha-Allah speak to her yourself. Ask her initially if she is aware this is how she is speaking as it may be that her behavior has been accommodated for so long – she is unaware this is how she comes across. Then inshaAllah address the issue. Firstly, remind her also of the good qualities you feel she has so she is not embarrassed by the conversation or left feeling insulted. This also means that you have a channel to speak to her afterwards as well inshaAllah. Then insha-Allah make your point. Do this bi-ism-Illah, in a non–confrontational manner:

‘Can –you- do me- a- favour type of conversation’

– the less threatened she feels the more likely she is to agree to your request. If she does not alter her behaviour then insha-Allah try again, but this time perhaps a bit more firmly giving the message. But remember, beyond this, the responsibility is hers and you, having carried out your duty to her, are not responsible with what she chooses to do or not do with the advice you offer. This is not the case with you but with every situation where guidance is given – the change must necessarily come from the person themselves and the gift comes form Allah (SWT) alone. You can not have these conversations forever. If she remains unchanged (and insha-Allah she will not), and your parents still find it difficult you may choose to take some behavioral measures which restrict the level of conversation when her attitude/ behaviour changes. For example, many parents choose to end conversations when their children speak disrespectfully to them – this is a clear and obvious rejection of the unwanted behaviour and sends a clear message. In Qur’an we are advised to leave the room if we hear wrongful conversation – so there is some level of distancing allowed  Of course this is a last resort and does not mean that you do not talk to her , rather it means you  put some boundaries in place regarding her behaviour and the conditions you expect conversations to take place in. I advise you pray for her, and yourself, that Allah (SWT) bless with a way to manage this situation in the best way insha-Allah

You say:

“I can’t hurt my parents; at the same time I can’t let anyone think that I am controlling my husband”

As long as you try to do the right thing you are not responsible for other people’s feelings – since everyone wants to be a priority, and sometimes at the expense of someone else - but it is your job just to make sure that no harm/ injustice is done. Be aware you can not please everyone all the time, and neither will they please you. You insha-Allah have to learn to live with feeling uncomfortable about others peoples feelings but hold on to the fact that you have done no wrong. Their reaction is their own. Insha-Allah make du’aa’ for them Sister at this point and may Allah (SWT) make it easy for them.

It sounds from your questions that you are somehow trying to ensure / secure your own/ your families level of importance compared to other family members. This can be potentially problematic, even destructive, since each person has their own place and role in your husband’s life, just as they do in yours. We often want others to prioritize us without prioritizing them. It is about allowing the rightful existence of all people’s love and needs’ to exist that contributes to peace and respect in family relationships. There are many things you can do and offer your husband that his family can not and similarly there are many things they can offer and have shared that you can not. That is the reality.  The point is each relationship is different – not better or worse, just different.

My advice bi idh nillah is that you maintain these relationships between you and the person directly. Do not attempt to keep them through your husband – this only complicates things and keeps a distance between the unspoken level of sincerity required for relationships to work, resulting in the classic accusation - “ She only ever tells me when something is wrong and even then tells her husband to tell me.” One can understand how this will not foster good relations. Try and keep your relationships personal and again find the balance ; not too intrusive or too distant and indifferent. This maintains respect and allows for freedom of choice and individuality. This in turn will have a beneficial impact on your relationship with your husband since it not only reflects good iman (faith) -and only Allah (SWT) knows best what this is - but also removes tension from his life regarding this situation. Similarly try not to make yourself a necessary part of other peoples’ relationships – i.e. they can not get along without you being involved (unless this is to solve a problem). I say this because your will find yourself confused and caught between lots of loyalties, expectations and regret. Speak out of course, when there is a problem as we are advised in Islam, but don’t make yourself indispensible to those relationships – let them develop in and of themselves insha-Allah.

May Allah (SWT) bring you altogether again, and make you the best example of the ties of His mercy insha-Allah. InshaAllah it is never to late to return to the Good.

Salaams and du’aa’s

For further guidance, pleas try the following link(s):
Social Dimensions of Faith
Mother By Name But Not By Nature 
Bir al-Walidayn & Uninterested Parents