May He bestow His peace and blessings on His messenger, Muhammad, his family, Companions, and all of those who follow them sincerely.

As salamu `alaykum ...

Dear sister, thank you for your question. It is a very interesting situation indeed, but there is one thing that I am confused about from your question. I was following you all the way up until the end, then mentioned that you are still young, and not ready to marry yet. If that is the case, then what is this all about? If you are not ready to marry then why are you putting yourself, and your friend through all this? I was under the assumption that this was about whether you should accept a marriage proposal from the young man, despite what has happened with your friend. If not, then what is this situation really about? I am confused – so now you have to help me J.

Despite the confusion, I think it’s important that we realize some things. There has been a lot of miscommunication on both sides. That is clear. There is and has been a lot of confusion, as well, and in particular it sounds as if your friend was not really clear about her own feelings when she told you she would not mind it if you pursued this young man. Actually, she did mind that you were going to pursue him! So of course, she said one thing, but in reality was feeling something else. This is typical of young people by the way. In her defence, maybe she did not think it would hurt her, but after the fact when she heard that you were going to pursue him or let him pursue you, it did hurt and now she is reacting to that pain that she didn’t think she’d have. So, it’s probably hard for her, despite what she told you. That’s normal and you kind of have to expect it. She was probably being a bit unrealistic when she told you she wouldn’t mind, especially given their history together. But of course, it was natural for you to believe her when she said she wouldn’t mind.

So where does that leave you now? Well, these situations are never neat and somebody in the end tends to get hurt. She is feeling hurt right now it seems and is taking it out on you, even thought she told you she wouldn’t. But at the same time, you have to understand how she feels. I wouldn’t place blame on anyone in this situation because it doesn’t sound like anyone was purposely trying to hurt anyone else. I think messages got crossed and things were said probably out of ignorance more than anything else, leading to a situation where people got hurt. But getting back to my initial point, I am still trying to figure out why the situation has even evolved to what it has given the fact that you said you were not interested in marrying yet because you are too young. So then what is the point to all this? Why is the issue of marriage to this young man coming up? I am still very confused about that one. That is why in Islam, marriage is meant to be a very straightforward affair – without all the drama that we see in other cultures. Two people make a sincere intention toward one another – but only after each one is ready and prepared to marry -- and the intention is followed up with action. If two people know they are not ready to marry, then the intention should not be made known. Of course, we don’t live in an ideal world, but this is what adults should be teaching to young people so that they avoid these kind of ‘sticky’ situations where hearts get broken and relationships become strained due to all these mixed messages and unrealized intentions. Life is difficult enough without making things more dramatic! Yes?

So your question of what can you do now is a tricky one. As for your friend, the only thing you can do is apologize for what happened, for any miscommunication or misunderstanding, and try your best to help her to see your side of it. Ask Allah to soften her heart and accept your apology. Try to be as up front with her as possible. Other than that, it will probably take time for her to get over it. At the same time, you have to realize that she may never get over it, and do your best to accept that fact. If she feels hurt by what happened, then only Allah and time can help her to get over it. As you said, the damage was done so to speak and it may not change overnight. Depending on her character, she may feel hurt for a long time – or not. The only thing you can do is apologize, be up front with her about why you did what you did, and let it go. Du`aa' and leave it to Allah.

As for your relationship with this young man, please be up front with yourself, him and anyone else involved in this situation about your intentions and your decisions. Be crystal clear that you are either ready and willing to marry at this time, or not. If you are not sure, then be clear about that, and wait until you are sure. These are not small matters and not something that should be approached lightly. You are only ready when you are truly ready! Keep making  Istikharah (prayer for guidance) to Allah for guidance, and don’t stop doing it just because things are not clear to you yet. The answer will come when the time is right, so keep asking for guidance on how to move forward.

Please feel free to follow up with any additional questions…

And Allah knows best….

For further guidance, please try the following link(s):
The Red Card on Deceitful Love
In Defense of the Muslim Sisterhood 
Possession or Depression?
Why Can't We Be Friends?
Make a Difference! (Folder)
Are You Appreciated: Are You Being Appreciated? (Survey
The Good Companion