 |
|
|
|
|
Last Update: 10:51 GMT, Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2009 |
|
|
Family
> Cyber Counselor
|
|
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
Name of Questioner
|
UK pakistani
- Pakistan |
|
Title
|
High Expectations from an Arranged Marriage
|
|
Question
|
Divorce or Annulment - Salams, please give me guidance and advice at this very difficult time in my life. I had an arranged marriage 2 years ago, before the nikah (Islamic marriage) everything was well - I was happy as was my family. However after the wedding ceremony I went to live with the new family and my husband. We have had no relationship: he has never held any interest in my feelings or emotions. He leads a separate life. He is always out late with his friends or working. After one month he moved into a separate bedroom. We have never consummated our marriage.
After 18 months of me trying to find out what the problem is, to no avail, I was told we should have a baby! I was depressed and miserable and very alone. This is not how I imagined marriage to be. His family who lived with us knew all of this, but did nothing. I was told it's no big deal, the family is what is most important, and we are both getting on in age.
I am educated, a lawyer, in my late 20s, and I belong to a loving decent British Muslim Pakistani family. I informed my parents after 18 months of living in his house like a stranger, and I was accused by his family of doing wrong, and why did I tell my family, because it's not a big issue, and I should go back. My father tried to have a man-to-man chat with my husband, but he refused, and they had an argument. My husband told me to come back, and how he would never speak to my father and I must pack my belongings and leave. Next day he told me through his family that he made a mistake. He wanted me to go back. I felt humiliated and had had no answers from him.
For 4 months he did not contact me then made contact through his family. I said I do not want to be with him after all of this. All I wanted were some answers, but I was made to leave him by packing up my belongings without any discussion or time to talk through our issues.
I had treated him fairly always with respect, care and a loving attitude, and treated his mother like my own. I have no arguments with them - he was just never interested. He said sorry, and that we should try again. I am devastated at his treatment of me, and why he does not give me any answers. He was always secretive, and led a separate life. I do not trust him at all now. This experience has left me feeling so depressed, alone and stigmatized because I will now be divorced through no fault of my own. I always tried to talk to him and find out why he treated me so uncaringly and unlovingly, but never are there any answers. He was never nasty, and I felt with time everything would be OK, but it just got worse and worse.
I have no peace of mind, and everything in my life and my family have been effected. His family accused me of being stubborn, and having high expectations in my marriage, because I will not give him a second chance. I am confused, but I cannot forget those 18 months of loneliness, and being utterly alone and miserable. I was away from my loving family, and trying to make my marriage work without any acknowledgement from him. Keeping this a secret from my family was very hard. Am I entitled to an annulment of the nikah because there has been no physical relationship? Or do I apply for divorce? Please help.
Regards…
|
| Date | 14/Apr/2009 |
| Name of Counsellor |
`Abdul-Lateef Abdullah |
| Topic | Arranged Marriages, Marital Obstacles |
|
|
|
|
|
|
In the name of Allah the Most Gracious
the Most Merciful.
|
In the name of Allah the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. May He bestow His peace and blessings on His messenger, Muhammad, his family, Companions, and all of those who follow them sincerely.
As salamu `alaykum…
Dear sister, thank you for writing to us. I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been going through with this husband. From here, it sounds like he is a very immature individual who does not really understand what it means to be a husband in Islam. The issue of consummation aside, you have clearly suffered much, and from here it sounds as if you have grounds to request for a divorce, but you must take up the issue with a scholar or imam who is qualified  to make a formal judgment on the manner. We are merely counselors, and cannot advise you on the fiqh (jurisprudence) issues related to the marriage. I am sorry.
As for how to continue, you have to heed your own words and remember them clearly: you are getting divorced through no fault of your own. Sometimes this happens, and it seems to be happening more these days, especially with arranged marriages. There are many dangers going about things in this manner in today’s day and age, but due to cultural loyalties, many are forced to enter the marriage relationship by these means.Nevertheless, as long as you feel in your heart that you did everything you could to be a good wife, and you tried your best to make the marriage work, then what else can you ask for? Allah knows everything, and He knows what has transpires and what lies in your heart. Regardless of what others might say, you did your best. It didn’t work out perhaps, but there are undoubtedly many blessings, and much wisdom in it that we cannot understand or see at the moment. Insha-Allah it will be a new beginning for you and opportunity to start anew.
Clearly, your husband needs help, and it is truly sad that he is unable to fulfill the responsibilities of being a husband at this time. As for his double-life, well there’s a lot of that going on these days. Unfortunately, the institution of marriage in general today is not held to the esteem that it once was. Divorce is rampant in many countries, and our young people are less and less prepared to enter into marriage. We do not realize how serious an affair a marriage is and the level of iman, selfless consideration and responsibility that is required to have a successful marriage.
Whatever you decide to do, sister, please consult with a qualified imam or scholar near you preferably, to determine exactly how to go about things according to the Shari’ah of Islam. Whether you decide to give him a second chance or not, that is up to you and you must consult your heart by beseeching Allah for guidance and help. If you need any follow-up counsel please write us again….
For further guidance, please try the following link(s):
An Uncommunicative Husband
Are Women and Men Different in Handling Stress?
Can the Wife Terminate the Marriage?
Worshiping Idols in the Heart
Anger in the Family
The New Man and Woman
Angry Words and Divorce
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Contact Family
|
|
|
|
IslamOnline.net is not responsible for the content of external linked Web sites.
|
|
|
|
|
