As salamu `alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh sister.

Jazaka Allah khayrun for writing in with this problem. Your email highlights the importance of the role of sex within marriage, and is something that is often under-estimated. The difficulty is exacerbated since in such situations it is usually only one spouse who takes responsibility for resolving the problem. Insha-Allah choose a specific (undisturbed) time for the conversation - this is something both of you insha-Allah need to consider together/ as a couple.

Forgive me, but your communique is general in the issues you raise. The main question I have is; Are you actually talking about the problem? It seems from your email that you are not making your point clearly enough (you say you have talked ‘in a way’) but appear to be simply spending a lot of time feeling unhappy. Silence always leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation. This of course means that there are no positive changes and such a situation will naturally,  only result in increasing isolation from each other. It seems that the discussion to date is perhaps limited or lacking direction. I suggest insha-Allah that you take a much more active and problem solving approach. My suggestion is that both you and your husband  have a joint discussion around the following questions:

Are you aware about the role of sex in marriage in Islam and the rights that you have over each other in this context? Both you and your husband should be aware that Abstinence / Celibacy within marriage is not accepted in Islam and is not something that you should both be agreeing to – precisely because it results in the type of problems you are both now facing.

Does your husband accept that masturbation is haram in marriage and is he willing to stop?

If the answer to the above question is NO – what are his justifications ?  and so what are both practically doing to try and overcome this problem?

You say that your husband says one reason for masturbation is because you do not initiate sex – but I am wondering why if he wants sex he can not initiate sex instead ( at least until the two of you come to an understanding?)

When you went for previous counseling sessions – what was it that made your husband stop using pornographic material? ( You say you think he is no longer looking at porn – are you certain?)

You say you both went for counseling – did you raise the issue around masturbation replacing sex in your marriage during your sessions?  What was the outcome?

Do you discuss your sexual needs with each other? You say sex was never great – what was the problem here? Clearly  the sexual relationship will end / diminish when couples stop talking about their sexual needs.

Have you personally ever initiated sex successfully? If yes, what made you stop? If no, why have you not tried this?

Sex is a much the right of the wife as it is the husbands and is not the domain of one spouse only. If you do not initiate sex – then you create a similar situation to the one your husband is facing – feeling that your spouse does not want to have sex with you. You say you are shy and I am wondering what your shyness is about? Shyness is not helpful if it is actually preventing you from fulfilling your Islamic obligations to each other. Insha-Allah the haya of iman should help you complete your din not avoid it. There are many Islamic resources available for you to help you think about this and what steps you need to be taking. insha-Allah go and have a look at what is available together.

• Does your husband consider this problem to be as serious as you do?
• Is he aware you are considering divorce because of this problem?

These questions are not about apportioning blame – rather they are intended to open up the conversation and help you both to think and understand what the other is experiencing . This opening conversation insha-Allah should lead to further discussions. But you may both like to consider going for counseling once more but with a direct focus on this issue.

As I have said,  as your email is brief  but if you would like more information, insha-Allah please send me specific details regarding your situation so I can get a clearer picture of what you are experiencing.

May Allah (Glorified be He and Exalted) bring a speedy end to this problem and return you both to a healthy marriage of Peace , Mercy and Love as only He promises and delivers.  

Ma salama and du`aa's

For your further guidance, please try the following link(s):
Overcoming Masturbation
Love & Intimacy