As salamu 'alaykum,

Dear brother, thank you for writing to us. I find your situation of particular interest for I know someone who has struggled with a similar problem. From this particular friend, I know a few strategies that helped him. The first thing is that some of what you wrote to us you have to communicate to your wife. She has to know how serious this is, and that it is her obligation as a wife in Islam to ‘ease your pain’ so to speak. Make it clear to her, of course in a most gentle and kind way, that the two of you are meant to be helpers to one another in the area of intimate relations. Unlike other needs, such as eating and the like, there is only one place where our sexual needs can be fulfilled and that is with our lawful spouses. If we are hungry, we can go buy food at a restaurant. If we need the house cleaned we can hire someone. If we need anything else, we usually have options. However, when it comes to sexual needs, there is only one person. It is not enough for her just to say that she’s not in the mood. The two of you must make an effort as a team, as a couple, as a husband and wife in Islam to help each other and work together to improve this situation. You must try to approach it from that angle.

Find a way to get her on board and to agree that you will do whatever you can to spice up your life so to speak. It is not going to work if you just put the burden on her alone, or if you try this and that individually from your side. You need to come together and address the matter as partners. Don’t refer to it as ‘her’ problem, but think of all the ways that you might be contributing to it as well and what you can do to improve the situation. It might be something that you have not yet thought of that’s hindering her desire to be intimate. Perhaps what she needs is something psychological or something verbal. Unless you can get her on board, however, you will never know. She has to let you inside so that you can understand her better, and that requires her willful participation.

The two of you have to find a way to make this a marital goal, that you are going to find some way of spicing up your intimate life. Maybe she suffers from some physical of psychological impediment that is too afraid to mention. There are many things that can be done to address this issue but it requires complete buy in and agreement from both sides that the issue is important not only from a physical perspective but from a religious/spiritual one as well. She is not fulfilling an important duty as a wife and that is serious for her from a spiritual perspective. Is she aware of this? That it not to say that she has to ‘force herself’ to perform even if she does not want to, but that perhaps her desire to please Allah will motivate her to strive harder to overcome whatever is getting in the way of her desire to be intimate more often.

Another important note worth mentioning is that sometimes women don’t know themselves what makes them ‘tick’ sexually. In that case, it requires the two of you to try different things. For example, I know one couple that was in a similar situation to yours. After they agreed, however, to address the situation together, they went full tilt in trying to identify different ways of improving their sex life. After many attempts and failures, they finally realized that they were on totally different extremes in the area of foreplay. The husband required very little foreplay, but it turned out the wife required a totally different type of foreplay to get in the mood. She needed not only more time, but she required a lot of non-physical interaction such as conversation, having a nice breakfast together alone, and the like. Only when this type of foreplay was involved was she able to really get in the mood. So once they discovered this about the wife, they began to plan their days (and nights) to accommodate her needs. They would even take days off from work or extended lunch breaks just to allow enough non-physical intimate time for the woman to be completely into the sexual experience. So, it is really important that you and your wife try different things and ways to learn about one another and what makes each other tick sexually. Don’t assume anything and don’t be afraid to try things and fail. Through your dua’aa' and your sincere efforts to improve your marriage for Allah’s sake, in sha 'Allah in time your intimate life will improve dramatically.

For your further guidance, please try the following links:

Who Initiates?
The Whisper, the Look and the Touch: The Language Between Spouses