If you are asking what we think in an attempt to find some way to make possible what might not be possible, then even we did, you are the one who will have to live with the consequences. My brother, al hamdu Lillah that your faculty of reasoning is still active, which can prevent you from falling prey to something that could take possession of your better judgment and give reign to your lower desires.

We are not in the same position to you as your psychotherapist is in terms of being more informed to your background and the developments that have taken place in your life as a whole. Based on the information that you have provided above, to have a closer relationship with the person to whom you are attracted, can only have a positive effect if your infatuation is more to do with a misplaced (balanced) father figure in your childhood as you were growing up. It is possible that your infatuation with this man, is to compensate for the lack of a father figure in your life.

Same gender identification naturally occurs around the age of 6 – 7 years old. This has nothing to do with the way in which boys and girls are socialized, and has much to do with the slow process of individuation that takes as one begins to take ones place in the world around ones self. A 6 – 9 year old child notices more what the roles played out by those of the same gender within the family and amongst peers. Some mimicking occurs, which develops into a form of sterotype, and this is when it is important to have healthy role models, that can guide, correct, support and inspire you. Taqlid, or emulation, is a strong characteristic in human nature, which aids the child's learning process at a time, when a child does not have the ability to decide for themselves. If we have healthy role models around us, we are more able to base our own development on something that will help us as we grow older to have healthy halal relationships in turn. If we are rasied with no healthy role model, then we too development a deficit in our self image until such time, it can be corrected, hopefully before it is too late! Sometimes, it is not so much that we did not have healthy role models as we were growing up, but more to do with in our later years, we come across iondividuals, who have a dynamic characteristic, which we in turn would like to be. "Oh I wish I could do that" or "I wish I could be like him" or " I want to learn from this person". In that, way, we can become infatuated because that person has a characteristic, that is missing in our lives, a characteristic that can help us achieve a goal.

"Narrated Abu Hurayrah: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: The believer is the believer's mirror, and the believer is the believer's brother who guards him against loss and protects him when he is absent". (Abu Dawud 41: 4900)

The question for you then, is why are you infatuated with your friend? If, your infatuation is of a sexual nature, then you need to spend some time with yourself and ask why?

• What was the nature of childhod?
• Was your father present in your life when you were growing up?
• Was he always too busy with work and others?
• Did he ever give you the affection, attention, consideration, and guidance that a son needs from his father?
• If your father was not present in your life as you were growing up, were there other father-like figures whom you could rely on?
• Were there same-sex relationships happening around you while you were growing up?
• If there were same-sex relationships around you while you were growing up, how did this affect you?

Going back to your friend with whom you are infatuated with, why do you fight?

• Is it because you can not be open with him and show him how you really feel?
• Is it because he does not want what you want?

Sometimes, there are mixed messages given off in a relationship that lead to misunderstanding, or fear. Because nothing is ever actually said, a fear develops or a denial of what one suspects. If your friend is of any value at all, you should try to mend the friendship without any expectation of anything more than a friendship, and maybe then your friend wil feel comfortable with you once more.

"Narrated Umm Kulthum bint Uqbah al-Umawiyyah: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: He who forged in order to put things right between two persons did not lie. The version by Ahmad ibn Muhammad and Musaddad has: The liar is not the one who puts things right between people, saying what is good and increasing good" (Abu Dawud 41: 4902).

This might be difficult for you to do at first, but in the end, it will be worth it for your own sake and the sake of your friend.

However, you have said that you perceive yourself as being homosexual (same-sex attraction), but is this on the basis of your friend only, or have there been other occurances? You have also said that you have never had sex out of fear that it might become addictive. This alone indicates that your attraction is something to be concerned about, and to explore it as far as you have done so far, will only lead you further down a steep hill whereby the gravity of your lower desires will gain momentum and take control of your faculty of reason. Daily you have sought a "cure" for your situation, but the reality is that there is much more involved as indicated in the questions above, and unlike changing socks, or taking a tablet for a headache, change for you will mean facing your demons and exploring aspects of your life that you may find painful, but will pave the way to you finding your true identity.

In Developing Male Identities: there are some testimonies of homosexuals that reveal the following experiences:

"For most of us, the longing that we came to identify as homosexual desire actually began long before we ever experienced it as an erotic attraction. It was the natural and necessary yearning that every little boy feels to be loved and wanted by his father, to feel like he belongs as "one of the guys," and to feel confident in his masculine identity.

If a boy's longing for masculine connection remains unmet, it can grow into an open wound as he enters adolescence. Sometimes, with the hormonal surge of puberty, it can become inadvertently sexualized. So it was with us. Having felt insufficient love and masculine affirmation from father, father figures or male peers throughout our developmental years, we began to see men as the opposite from us -- masculine, mysterious and different -- while we too easily identified with women as our sisters.

But sexualizing men - relating to them as lovers -- would only further the sense of estrangement we felt from men and from our own masculine identities. It could never fill the true need we felt to bond with men as our brothers and to experience brotherly love, as a man among men".

The very relationship that you need to develop with your close friend as a "brother", may be the very thing you will lose if you cannot recognize the nature of your infatuation. Be bold, and decide that your brother is your brother, and this is the friendship that is worth having. You can also strengthen your need for bortherhood, by joining a reputable halaqa (Islamic study circle) for men, that has social and charitable activities. By being amidst heterosexual males whose focus is on strenghtening their deen, (their life transaction with Allah (SWT), you will be exposed to healthy role models of behavior, in sha 'Allah.

Do not waste your valuable time, sitting around indulging in unhealthy thoughts and activities. Try to remain active in positive things. Attend a halaqa regularly, do some form of sports that can help to release the buiild of tension within the body physical, learn a new skill in something that you are interested in and be of support to your parents and good friends and relatives, when they are in need.

For your further guidance, please try the following links:

Awkward Amidst the Opposite Gender
Not So Cool to Be Gay