As-salamu `alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
When we have no understanding person with whom to share a concern or a problem without being proactive about the problem, we subject our negative thoughts to a vicious cycle within ourselves that leads to depression. In this vicious cycle we lose sense of who we are and become prey to our imagination. As a child growing up with such a self perception, there is no way to distinguish between what is real and what is not real.
As a male child growing up surrounded by women, you lacked male role models. You wanted to be a part of your social environment and so, naturally, you mimicked the values in order to belong, yet you did this in seclusion, so somewhere in your psyche, there was some understanding that you were not like them albeit you had no counter-role model. So between the world of women and your imagination, your sense of yourself became lost. It is from others that we gain a sense of who we are when are in an unnatural environment. Young children growing up enact what they see around them. Even in what you have shared, there is no sense of your mother or your father and their role in your life, so being totally on your own (it would seem), your sense of desperation has led you to fall prey to con men who call themselves "spiritual healers" to exploit your desperation. There are many such men in the country in which you live, and many people have fallen prey to them.
In this liberal age, we have become more judgmental of each other. When we look at ourselves through the eyes of the weak-minded who take pleasure in devaluing a human life, we become slaves to that mind-set, and rob ourselves of our own potential and blessings in this life:
"Don't nurse grudge and don't bid him out for raising the price and don't nurse aversion or enmity and don't enter into a transaction when the others have entered into that transaction and be as fellow-brothers and servants of Allah. A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim. He neither oppresses him nor humiliates him nor looks down upon him. The piety is here, (and while saying so he pointed towards his chest thrice). It is a serious evil for a Muslim that he should look down upon his brother Muslim. All things of a Muslim are inviolable for his brother in faith: his blood, his wealth, and his honor." (Muslim 32 #6219)
To all who read this, we direct our du`aa's to you, but as you know now there are no quick fixes to undo what has taken the first third of your life. What there is hope in is the fact that you have made effort to address the problem, that you have learned that you problem requires another solution, and that you are still young. Encompassing all of these characteristics is your sense of Allah Most High in your life, for only He has the ability to feel your dilemma and change it:
{ This is because Allah has never changed a favor which He has conferred upon a people until they change their own condition; and because Allah is Hearing, Knowing.} (An-Anfal 8:53)
Our thoughts and feelings influence the body via two kinds of mechanisms: the nervous system and the circulatory system. These are the pathways of communication between the brain and the rest of the body.
The brain "reaches" into the body through nerve impulses. In this way, the brain is connected to all the body's tissues, influencing their behavior. It also reaches into all the glands of the endocrine system, all the bones, muscles, all the internal organs, and even the walls of veins and arteries. It can influence the behavior of the heart with its nerves penetrating the heart tissue, affecting heart rate and other aspects of the heart's functioning. The entire body is literally "wired" by the brain.
The brain is also a gland. It manufactures thousands of different kinds of chemicals and releases them into the bloodstream. The mind-body connection is a two-way street. In addition to sending messages into the body's tissues, the brain also receives feedback, both in the form of nerve impulses and its own receptors that sense what chemicals are being released by other tissues in the body. So how you think is what you become.
Every human comes across thousands of challenges and difficulties in the lifetime. To live he will have to fight with the powers of the elements unwillingly and has to overpower them. He has to contend with different ailments and their causes. In practical life he is successful who has a big heart, tall courage and strong will. The good or ill luck of a person depends rather on his own self. The success of all the great persons in the world is because of their own confidence, will power and tireless efforts. The great and weighty persons are never cowed down by hardships. They have self-confidence andfaith in Allah that takes them through all the vicissitudes of life. (Ibrahim Amini)
As you have said, brother, you are preoccupied by the concern for your sexuality, and this is the starting point towards change. Yes, it cannot be done by yourself because, as your self perception was shaped by a social environment, so too will your self-understanding. You are right to seek change through those who have changed and so too should you go through the gradual process of change and self-understanding through the support of a specialist in the field of homosexual men who have changed. Here is areflection by one man who underwent a process of self-realization:
Over the course of my life, I have embraced at various times the identities of "the good little boy," a rebel, an artist, a righteous man, an inadequate man, a powerful and courageous man, a sex addict, a gay man, a bisexual man, a straight man, an outdoorsman, an urbanite, a loner, a success, a miserable failure, and many others.
When I think about all the ways I've viewed myself at different points of my life, I am amazed at how malleable my identity has been. Some of these identities have come and gone just by changing my circumstances and my attitudes toward those circumstances. Some have changed by changing whom I associated with and whom I saw myself as being like, or wanting to be like. Some identity changes I made quite consciously and deliberately, while others were more accidental and circumstantial.
{Man shall have nothing but what he strives for; And that his striving shall soon be seen; Then shall he be rewarded for it with the fullest reward; and that to your Lord is the goal.} (An-Najm 53:39-42)
{O you who believe! Be careful of (your duty to) Allah and be with the true ones.} (At-Tawbah 9:119)
The most constructive starting point for you is through a Muslim Support group or specialists such as The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality who can be contacted on (818) 789-4440.
A time will come when all that you have experienced up until now will be in your past, in sha' Allah, through your diligence.
"O Allah's Messenger! Teach me an invocation with which I may invoke Allah in my prayers." The Prophet said, "Say: O Allah! I have wronged my soul very much (oppressed myself), and none forgives the sins but You; so please bestow Your forgiveness upon me. No doubt, You are the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Al-Bukhari 9:93 #485)
For your further guidance, please try the following link:
