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As-salamu `alaykum.
Thank you so much for writing to us. We also appreciate your kind words regarding the Islam Online cyber counseling service. We want to say at the outset that Allah Most High is All-Merciful, All-Forgiving. He reminds us in the following verses in the Qur’an,
“O My servants who have wronged against their souls! Do not despair of Allah’s mercy! For Allah forgives all sins; for He is indeed Forgiving, Compassionate. Turn to your Lord repentant, and submit to Him, before the torment overtakes you when you shall not be helped.” (Az-Zumar: 53-54)
First, we urge you to be steadfast on your path to recovering from your sinful past. Satan works overtime to tempt you back to the so-called pleasure that you experienced before. Fight this temptation with all your might. Resist being in any social circles that might lure you into sin. Destroy all reminders of your sinful past such as e-mails, letters, gifts etc.
The reality is that Allah Most High is the only one who guides, and if you are returning to the straight path then,in sha’ Allah, you are under the mercy and protection of Allah in your journey back to Islam. Do not take this blessing lightly; there are many Muslims who have not yet reached the point of acknowledging their sins, feeling remorse, stopping their sins and repenting to Allah. Based on what you have written, it seems you have done all of those steps and we encourage you not to turn back from the progress you are making by the will of Allah.
Second, we are concerned that you have already shared too much with your future spouse. Allah Most High kept your sinful past from public view. Some people suggest that it is recommended to share one’s past with a future spouse. Guided by the Qur’an and the teachings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions (may Allah be pleased with them), we are of the belief that it is much better to keep those sins private if you have stopped sinning and repented to Allah.
We are of the opinion that it is one’s moral obligation to share one’s past—even if one has repented—if one has been confirmed to have sexually transmitted diseases of any kind and especially so if one has contracted HIV/AIDS.
We suggest keeping the sins private because talking openly about a sinful past benefits neither the person disclosing nor the person hearing the information. Suppose this marriage proposal does not work out, then for sure, you have shared your most private actions with a total stranger who is under no obligation not to malign your character or to think negatively of you.
Third, in your case, you write that this person “has accepted that I have done, and regretted, a lot of mistakes I made in the past…he keeps asking me about my past and if there is anything else I would like to tell him before we get married.” This is precisely why we suggest not sharing one’s sinful past, because doing so only casts doubt, suspicion and grounds for more questions.
If this person knows you sinned in the past and he keeps asking if there is anything else, you have a valid concern in wondering whether or not he his really asking you, “Are you going to tell me whether or not you lost your virginity as a result of your sinful past?” Sometimes, our human inclination just to make things work out overrides our logic, and it could be that this person’s mind is saying, “We can work things out; so what if she committed some sins in the past.”
All the while, his heart could be saying, “But what if she is not a virgin? Do I want to marry a woman who lost her virginity in an act of sin?” To be sure, that is a very real conversation that this person’s mind and heart could be having. If he is sincere in saying that he accepts that you have sinned in the past and he still wants to marry you, then we suggest this response. When he asks you again if there is anything else about your past you would like to tell him, recite to him the following verse:
“O you who believe! Ask not about things which, if made plain to you, may cause you trouble” (Al-Ma’idah:101)
Based on what you have written, we anticipate that his heart will not be at peace with this response, and therefore we offer further advice in point four.
Fourth, our recommendation is that you do not marry this particular person; because there is no way you can be sure that he has sincerely accepted for who you are. Of course, you should really do your own follow-up since you have access to him in person. You should consult those whom you trust. You should make the Istikharah Prayer (supplication for guidance in making a decision) and seek the guidance of Allah.
In the end, remember that you have had a major transformation and are putting your life together again. The last thing you want is for someone to marry you and then resent you for your past rather than to accept you for the transformed individual that you are.
Finally, through this online service alone we cannot give you assurance one way or the other. However, we suggest that you turn back to Allah and stand in prayer the last third of the night asking Him to guide you. Make lots of du`aa' (supplication) to Allah to grant you a man who is a blessing for your faith, family and future.
Allah knows best.
For further guidance please refer to the following links:
Hymen Repair Surgery
My Wife Is Pious but She Had Horrible Past
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