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Last Update: 11:59 GMT, Monday, Dec. 07, 2009 |
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Family
> Cyber Counselor
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Name of Questioner
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Aisha
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Title
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Self-Esteem Might End My Marriage
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Question
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As-salamu `alaykum.
I have finally gotten a chance to use your expertise. I have a long story, so I hope you can bear with me.
First, ever since I can remember, I have always judged myself on my appearance, and how others reacted to it. I used to have facial hair and crooked teeth as a child and was very conscious of it and how others treated me because of it. As I got older and did something about the hair and did what I could with the teeth, I began to see a change in how other people treated me. The better people were towards me, the more I thought that it was because of my looks. Also, while I was growing up, there was a marked difference in how my grandma (who raised us) treated me compared to my other siblings. I always seemed to get things wrong and could never live up to how my sister was. I have no doubt my grandma loved me, but she just treated me differently. I did well, went through school, on to college and then university. I spent my college days fitting in with the "Islamic crowd" and getting to know more about my faith.
When I moved on to university, the crowd was completely different, again because of my complex, I tried fitting in, worrying about people's reactions to me. In the final year I was placed in a project with a male supervisor. This was the first time that I was in a 1-to-1 situation with anyone, so I did my usual fitting-in routine, pretending to be someone that I was not in order to be liked. This supervisor obviously had some issues, because the first time I tried to decline his lunch offer he reacted very oddly with “I will not force you to have lunch me." I took this as my inadequacy and tried harder to fit in.
He ended up ridiculing me, making comments about my appearance to others, which resulted in my reaching the lowest point of my life. Not only did I hate myself, this stranger had just confirmed that I was not worth anything. I found myself in my room crying and returning to my Lord. I thought that maybe Allah wants me to show this man that although I compromised my faith and was humiliated, I was still worth something. I tried changing my appearance again, which resulted in pigmentation marks on my face. I cried and cried and was stuck until my grandma decided to go for `Umrah. There I met my husband, whose proposal I had rejected because I thought he only wanted a visa and not me. All praise is due to Allah—I was rescued.
I found someone who loved me for me. He had been married before to a beautiful woman and the first year of our marriage I spent trying to work out why he had left her. I kept thinking that I could not possibly be worth more than she could. Therefore, we fought and argued and I would have violently jealous outbursts. He was patient through it all, until we moved out of my father’s house. The other problem is that we have not consummated our marriage. I am too frightened and I do not know why, but I just cannot seem to relax. I am not sure if this has to do with my low self-esteem.
In our new home, he has become more aggressive. He has tried forcing me to consummate the marriage, which has not worked, and he is just generally acting more hurtful. I told him about the supervisor just to get his approval of me and he says I acted as I did because I liked him and he rejected me. This has made me very depressed. I do not want to lose him. I want to get over this problem according to Islam. To add to my problems, I have constant doubts that I am only clinging on to Islam because of my need for it due to my low self-esteem, as if Islam is a magic cure to answer my problems. In my heart I know that Islam is the truth. I react violently when my husband puts me down or treats me like a child, and he has begun to do this more and more. I do not know if I make him do this because of the way I act. I am at the end stage now. I need to overcome this or I will lose everything.
Thank you for your patience for reading this. Please help.
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| Date | 05/Mar/2004 |
| Name of Counsellor |
Abdullah Abdur Rahman |
| Topic | Self development |
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As-salamu `alaykum.
Thank you so much for writing to us. We are glad that you finally got a chance to write to us. There is so much that we want to tell you, but ultimately, the decision will be yours as to whether or not you are able to save your marriage.
First, we want to tell you that Allah Most High has created every single one of us in a certain shape, size and color. That should not be something you forget. Allah, the One who is Merciful and Compassionate, has created you. People are unkind and merciless and it seems that you have been hurt, partly by the way people treated you and partly by Satan’s tempting you to be displeased with how Allah created you. While you cannot undo your past, we definitely encourage you to focus on your present and your future. Take care of yourself and how you look, but do not become consumed with trying to fit in, or even worse, trying to be like someone you are not. To get some encouragement you should read the story of the beloved Companion of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) named Julaibeeb (may Allah be pleased with him).
Second, upon reading our message, we urge you to consider consummating your marriage in the very near future. Allah Most High has blessed you with marriage. As you might have read on the Cyber Counselor site, many of our readers, women especially, are struggling to get married these days. You chose to marry your current husband, right? You were not forced, right? Well, you need to be thankful to Allah that you are married. You also need to seek the pleasure of Allah through seeking the pleasure of your husband. You should no longer deprive your husband of his right to have intimate relations with you. Especially do not deprive him of the chance to consummate the marriage. He has rights and duties towards you and you have rights and duties towards him. Please, do everything in your power to establish a solid marital relationship that is based on love, mercy, kindness, compassion and most of all, romance!
Third, throughout your life and now, even after marriage, Satan seems to be busy tempting you to do everything to feel bad about who you are, to doubt yourself, and worse, to make you jealous of your husband’s former wife. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself whether or not you are serious about being thankful to Allah for who you are. Be pleased with who you are, or otherwise you will spend the rest of your life being sad and depressed and, even worse, you might end up being sad and depressed and alone if you do not give attention to your marital relationship. Do not inquire excessively about why your husband left his wife. It could well be that you will be even more sad on hearing the responses. Do not focus on why your husband’s previous marriage fell apart but rather focus on making sure your current marriage does not fall apart.
The choice is really yours and it has always been yours. You have many questions, which only you can answer, with the help of Allah. What do you want to happen in your life? Do you want to end this marriage for no other reason but that you could not conquer your own inferiority complex? Why do you want to give your husband reasons to leave you? Reflect on the state of your life today. Make decisions today that will, in sha’ Allah, give you a peace of mind. Allah Most High loves you for who you are, not for who you want to pretend to be. Now go and talk to your husband and tell him how much you love him, and even better, surprise him by agreeing to consummate the marriage!
Allah knows best.
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