|
As-salaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
Your question was a surprise for me because I actually can’t understand how a lovely wife can leave her loved and good spouse after 22 years of marriage having four kids, which is actually harmful for her and for her kids. In these unusual circumstances, you should understand that your husband needs your support because he is a diseased person suffering from a type of sexual addiction known as addiction to masturbation. What your spouse needs from you is love, patience, trust, and a good sexual life. He also needs your support to overcome this bad habit. You should talk to him lovely and you should convince him that you will be beside him because you love him and you want to help him. Tell him that this habit may destroy your sexual life, so he must try to stop performing it. You can suggest for him a program for controlling such addictive habit.
The program includes the following guidelines:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
3. If he is associated with other persons having this same problem, he must break off their friendship . Never associate with people having the same weakness. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep the problem foremost in the minds. The problem must be taken out of mind for that is where it really exists.
4. When you bathe, do not watch yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath for more than five or six minutes. Just long enough to bathe, dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, so it would be difficult for you to remove these clothes. By the time you started to remove the protective clothing you are wearing, you will have sufficient time to control your thinking and the temptation will leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else because you are the subject of your thoughts.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember, "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you will be soon free of the act.
8. Make a daily habit of reading. This habit is of great importance and will help to a great extent to get rid of this addiction.
9. Pray and when you pray, don't pray for this problem because this will tend to keep "it" in your mind for more than ever. But keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever—not in the conversation with others, even in your prayers. Keep it out of your mind.
The attitude of a person toward his problem has an effect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control this habit. As a person understands his reasons for this behavior, and sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
More Suggestions
1. Follow a program of daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and they are absolutely bases to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel that stress is increasing.
2. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, a week, a month, then a year and finally commit to never do it again. Until you commit yourself to "never again", always be ready to temptation.
3. Change behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
4. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improve your relationship with God, family and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
5. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
6. Be aware of situations that depress you or cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing some, exercises etc.
7. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day red. Your goal is to have no red days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another red day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.
8. A careful study will give you an indication that you have the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in details, what your particular times and conditions are. Now, you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through activities.
9. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called "aversion therapy." When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something pleasurable but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out what was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control, it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, scorpions, spiders, centipedes, and eat by several of them as you do the act.
10. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
11. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.
12. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.
13. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, loose and not tight.
14. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.
15. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem.
16. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
17. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. Each time you overcome or reach a goal, give yourself time to spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.
18. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calm and confident. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment.
Dear sister: This is your home and your loved spouse and you should know that a good wife who stands beside her spouse during difficult times giving him the needed support and love. For the sake of you and your family, I will ask Allah to give you the required help.
For further guidance please refer to the following link:
Masturbation Fills Me with Remorse: How to Repent? :
|
 |
