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Last Update: 11:59 GMT, Monday, Dec. 07, 2009 |
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Family
> Cyber Counselor
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Name of Questioner
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confused revert
- United States |
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Title
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Marriage is stressful, not the heaven as I thought
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Question
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Adjusting to a flawed arranged marriage, I married a man of Middle Eastern descent two years ago. I found out on my wedding night that he had misled me significantly in most areas regarding finances, dependents, even his weight. I have been displeased with him from day one and feel deeply betrayed over his apparent deception and 'culturally-driven Islam'. Although I have tried over the last two years to generate positive feelings for him, I find that in the emotional vacuum created by his working several jobs and his seeking the brothers' company when he does have time off, I have little to go on. If the truth be told, if my husband were American, I would have dropped him like a hot rock from the wedding day. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that instead of acting according to my conscience, I elected to give him a chance that night.
Nearly all my relatives (non-Muslim) disapproved and I just didn’t want them to be right. I have been disinherited over my marriage to my husband. Despite all the coaching that I was given pre-nikkah to realize that I would have to 'obey' my husband, no easy task for an American woman used to handling her own affairs, am I really expected to follow mostly ill-informed commands of my husband, who is unfamiliar with US law and institutions? Am I really expected to carry out the whims of a man that doesn’t support me financially (my daughters and I make a greater contribution to the home budget), emotionally (perhaps from little prior experience in his upbringing) or conjugally (through ignorance or lack of willingness to learn, once again due to upbringing?).
In short, what does a woman do whose husband doesn’t fulfill his obligations as a Muslim husband? It is very confusing to be expected to 'respect and obey' someone who doesn’t think that buying halal meat is necessary and has stopped doing so. He does require that he be fed meat every day however. I have sought relief at multiple masajid in our area. I am either told to obey my husband or I am ignored after an initial request and promise of help. I am willing to accept that I was lied to in the pre-nikkah (marriage) interviews because perhaps he was so afraid that he would be deported that he would say anything. His visa was expired and I could handle that. It was pre 9/11. Brothers have counseled me that since my husband doesn’t smoke, drink, break American laws or carry on with other women, and works full-time, that I should try to work things out with him.
By my standards, these are all traits that any husband should have, not just a Muslim one and that there is nothing praiseworthy about them. They are ground zero, so to speak. I have also been told that it takes at least 5 years for an arranged marriage where the partners are of the same culture to work and who knows for different cultures. I am in my late 40's and am not interested in investing so much time in something that isn’t working for me on all levels. My husband on the other hand seems content to have a personal servant and appears to have no interest in me beyond having his needs met. I am not sure that he perceives that I have needs and feelings as well.
He will not divorce me, although I have been asking him to do so since a month after the wedding. With my lack of positive contact with Islam over the past 2 years, my faith has eroded to where I wonder if I was really so stupid to believe that what is written is the Holy Qur'an is actually practiced in the real world. It all looks so good on paper. As reverts, we are encouraged to marry a man who was raised as a Muslim and I fell prey to this idea. I just believed that two people who followed what I thought Allah (s.w.t) had made very clear would be able to work together, even though they were practically strangers and came from different sides of the world.
I truly regret that there is such a lack of American Muslim males in comparison to females, as I doubt that I would remarry again, should my desperate bid to save myself emotionally and preserve the current marriage fail. One of my daughters will be moving out in a few months to attend college and I am wondering if it is acceptable in Islam to move into the vacant room. This 'roommate' situation is practiced here in the US for unhappy couples who do not wish to divorce for economic or health reasons, etc. In this case, it would be because the permanent green card approval (that I was encouraged to apply for out of charity) will not be addressed for a year. I would continue to provide meals, laundry, etc for my husband, however I would be able to dispense with the illusion that I am anything more that an associate in the business of joint co-habitation. This would save me considerable mental anguish as American women are taught that sex without love, or at least respect, is degrading. I have a chemical imbalance which makes me prone to depression and my marriage is a daily source of stress, rather than the haven I thought it would be.
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| Date | 29/Jun/2003 |
| Name of Counsellor |
Abdullah Abdur Rahman |
| Topic | Marital Obstacles |
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We are thankful to you for such an articulate expression of the challenges you are facing. We understand your frustration with trying to not only deal with a man of another culture, but to also come to terms with the fact that you might have actually made a wrong choice! Much of what you have written points to the fact that there is little or no functional communication between you and your husband. We know there must be some way for you two to communicate because after all, you actually met with and negotiated a marriage with your husband. We understand your frustration upon finding out that you were misled by your husband about finances, dependents and even his weight. Why have you stayed with him for this long if you were misled on your wedding night? We aren’t implying that you should have walked away but rather leading you to reflect perhaps more candidly upon your own question, “what does a woman do whose husband doesn’t fulfill his obligations as a Muslim husband?” This is not a complicated question and we are sure you know the answer. Islam clearly enjoins upon the husband the duty to maintain and provide for his wife. Both husband and wife are to enjoin upon each other mutual respect, love, kindness, mercy, and generosity among other things. You knew all that. Your husband probably also knows that but doesn’t know how to practice it.
Going back to the key issue of communication, we want to appeal to you to try and start all over again. Despite all of what you have to been through, we want you to focus on getting your husband to not only listen to what you have to say but to understand and hopefully to implement what you propose. This might sound like a steep hill to climb, but in reality, this is your last hope before filing for the divorce. Your husband needs to know that this is your last hope and he needs to be put on notice that if there is no substantial and sustained change in his behavior towards you, that you will actually initiate the proceedings for divorce. You are not making idle threats but rather stating the matter as it is. We are urging you to be this stern because it seems that your husband is taking advantage of your desire to please Allah through pleasing your husband.
The real question to be asked is, in your heart of hearts, do you believe it is worthwhile to salvage the marital relationship? Why did you write to us? To confirm your thoughts or to gain a new perspective on the same issue? We want to suggest that you sit down and come up with two columns, one listing reasons why you should salvage the marriage and the other listing why you should file for a divorce. The goal here is to share your brutally honest responses with your husband. He is the one who needs help right now. If the same brothers who encouraged you to continue to stay married with him are still around, then let them know that they need to step-up and appeal to their fellow brother to shape up and make some substantial changes in his behavior. He needs to feel some pressure to change, both from you and from his friends. Sit with him and be patient whenever necessary to help him actually develop some strategies for change. Then work with him to make sure he implements those strategies.
We would not suggest that you move into the room that will be vacated by your daughter. Doing so will only give your husband a reason to say that he will not grant you the divorce because it is you who is causing the rift in marital relations. Persevere a little while longer, making dua’a to Allah Most High to guide your husband.
We realize it has been difficult for you to be away from Islamic practice and to be pushed into an environment that is driven more by culture. Fight off Satan suggestion to you that what is written in the Qur’an is not actually being practiced in the real world. Ensha’allah, with your own efforts to practice, and persistent encouragement of your husband to change, Allah Most High will reward you for your efforts and grant you what is best for your faith, family and future. And Allah knows best.
For further guidance please refer to the following link:
◊ Husband and Wife: Mutual Rights and Obligations
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