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As-salamu `alaykum.
All Praise is due to Allah, we begin with His name and turn to Him in all of the tests He puts forward to strengthen us. May He shower peace and blessings upon Muhammad, the seal of the prophets, his family, companions and those who follow his way until the Day of Judgement.
My sister, may Allah Most High bless you for your concern for your son. The path of parenthood is often a difficult one and mothers have a very special station before Allah Most High for their care, work, sacrifice and concern.
I am curious about the nature of your question, because you state that you want to motivate him to perform his prayers satisfactorily. You state, “I notice most of the time he does not recite during the prayers but only performs the movements.” The first thing I would ask you is, why do you think that because you see this, you assume that he is not praying properly and how can you assess that he is only doing the movements? The reason I ask this is because sometimes as parents we want to be sure that our children are doing their best to the extent that we see what they don’t do as opposed to what they are doing.
By the age of 15, they should understand the nature of prayers and how they connect them with Allah. Sometimes, when parents are negative in their observations, children start to fulfill the negative expectations their parents’ have of them. Could it be that you are doing the same in this case?
Regarding prayer, one strategy that you can use is to highlight the positive things that he is doing and encourage him to learn more. You can also sometimes ask him to lead you in prayer, such as Maghrib or `Isha’ Prayers, so that you can enjoy his recitation. When you are talking, tell him stories about how you always struggle to ensure that you are doing your prayers correctly so that your prayers are not rejected. After all, it is the first thing that Allah Most High will ask us to account for on the Day of Judgement. However, it is important that you do not nag him. If you keep highlighting the same thing all the time, then it is all he hears from you and it will be very easy for him to shut you out of his mind.
Parents often have acute perceptions of things and you could in fact be correct, yet I would encourage you to beware of making judgements and sticking to them because of your own perceptions. Because you understand that prayer is a guard for us in our lives, you are already worried that what you perceive as a lack of attention in prayer may lead him towards other bad actions. This may come out in your actions, if you have not already said so, and you may in fact be making judgements and making him feel bad about himself, when really you cannot be certain. You alluded to this when you said that you had trust and confidence in him but now you are disappointed. Children sense such things, and if all they feel is negativity, then sometimes they react in a way to fulfill parents’ negative attitudes. Only Allah truly knows, so keep remembering your son in your du`aa’s (supplications) and remember that only Allah truly knows.
There does seem to be a bigger issue here though, if it is that he is only performing prayer for you to see, then you need to understand why; it means that he is still concerned about your opinion of him, or that he is thinking of your reaction. Sometimes, when children become teenagers, they go through many changes. It is at this time we have to hope that we have invested our best time and effort to their education, because this is what they will fall back on when they are with others and on their own.
At times like these, lessons in tawheed (Oneness of Allah) need to be reinforced but in a positive way. Do not take the “Do this or you will go to hell…” approach. It may be a good idea to follow a janazah (funeral) or all of you one day visit a graveyard and make du`aa’ and remember (do not remind him only) that this is the end.
Trust from parents is also important. It is important to reinforce that you know that he will make the best and right decisions in all situations. Talk to him and try to be more of a friend, as opposed to a parent, because at this age they need to have someone whom they can talk to and not be judged. This is difficult for parents, because they need to listen, hear and advise, but empower their children to make the correct decisions—not to jump at them for all their mistakes—and to understand that they are at a point in time where they are trying to understand what their principles are that will guide them for the rest of their lives. The best thing parents can do at this point is to help them to understand their personal connection to Allah, and to remind them that in the end, Allah is the One who they will answer to—Allah sees everything.
One other question I would ask is how much quality time do you spend together? If this is being neglected, then these actions can be a call for help or attention from him. This does not mean that you must spend all your time together, but the time you do should be meaningful. Do things together that he enjoys, let him see that you care about the things that he enjoys as well, and it is not simply you directing him about one thing only.
If he is close to any of his younger siblings, you could ask him if he could teach them how to perfect their prayers, because you have noticed that they may not be doing everything in the best way.
The other question here is, do you know his friends? Why could he be acting this way? Maybe they might have some insights. If he has good peers, then another thing that you could do is to encourage him through them. Ask a close friend to remind him—but do let the friend know not to say anything about you talking to them. Sometimes friends are the best way to work on some issues.
The need with children this age is to empower them, focus on their strengths and remind them, but do not nag. At this stage they need their parents to be more of a friend than anything else, so that they can confide in them and know to turn to them for anything they have to deal with.
Allah knows best
For further guidance please refer to the following links:
- Teaching Teenagers: Understand and Encourage
- A Teenager Difficult to Deal With
- Befriending Our Teens
- Alert Parents: Your teens and their relations
- Prayers: Only Five A Day?
- Salah: Any Physical Benefit
- Rude, Disobedient And Carless Brother
- Depression, Anger, Pain: How to Manage Them
- Teens and Stress: Parents, Please Listen Up
Wa as-salamu `alaykum.
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