Surviving the "West"

Thankfully, the children-must-be-seen-and-not-heard days are over. Young people today have a voice. Yes, there may be times when I find myself yearning for the good old days when kids did what they were told, but most of the time, this voice has been a very positive thing. It has given kids the confidence that allows them to stand tall and proud and to wear their Muslim colors with pride, even in the "West."

Standing Proud as a Muslim

Tasneem, 15, and her twin sisters, Ameera and Saara, 11, live in Indianapolis, USA. They are hijabis (a term used in the West to refer to Muslim women who wear the hijab), and it doesn't bother them that they look different from everybody else. According to them, the Muslim community in Indianapolis may be small, yet they feel comfortable. Saara said, "People ask us, 'What is that thing that you're wearing on your head?' But they aren't mean about it, so it's cool. It doesn't bother us."

Thinking that Tasneem, being a teenager and having all the "image issues" that I grappled with at her age, may feel differently, I posed the headscarf question to her. Her sisters had already told me that "she doesn't seem to care" what people say, and they were right. Tasneem's hijab is something that she adopted of her own free will. And she is comfortable wearing it.

Their experience is a far cry from my first day wearing a headscarf to school. I was 16, and I had decided by myself that this was what I wanted. A majority of the students at school were Muslim, yet I felt so awkward doing what should have come naturally to me. Curious stares followed me all day. I was, after all, the only student of the 800 at my school wearing a headscarf. I lacked the kind of confidence that children reared in child-centered environments learn, but hey, I'm getting there, albeit a little late.

Fahad is a 16-year-old student in Grade 11 who resides in the United Kingdom. I asked him about his challenges with living in the "West." He said, "Well personally, for me, it isn't so hard since I live in an area with many Muslims and the makeup of my school is at least 50 percent Muslim, which is why we have many facilities open to us in that respect such as freedom to hold the Jumu`ah prayers at school. However, with regard to following Islamic standards such as not intermingling with the opposite sex or not drinking at parties, it gets much harder — well for the former at least."

Well, that puts the identity crisis of Muslims in the West in perspective. There will be no conflict, provided that you are proud of who you are, firm in your faith, have conviction in your beliefs, and have a healthy understanding of why you do what you do as a Muslim. Live life to the fullest, but always remember that you are a Muslim.

Good Communication — The Key to Survival

Another stress factor for youth can be their relationship with their parents. But not so for the progressive youth whom I was fortunate enough to get in touch with.

Mayet said, "I generally have a good relationship with my parents when it comes to communication, I can usually talk to them and they will talk back in an understanding way."

Tasneem echoed these sentiments.

Raeesa is a 15-year-old South African. She and her family have endured a very traumatic 2 years, dealing with her 9–year-old brother who has leukemia. Their relationships have all been strained to a breaking point, but she believes that having effective and open communication is what kept them all sane.

Not all youth are as lucky, though. To find out more, I looked into the issue of communication with South African-based counseling 

psychologist Aneesa Vally. I have many theories around this subject and believe that most conflict situations in relationships arise from ineffective communication. I asked Vally whether this theory was true. Aneesa said, "Almost 95 percent of the problems I see in my practice are a result of negative communication." The problems include marital discord as well as "problem children." But after speaking to Aneesa, I'm convinced that we should read Children of Problem Parents.

"There is no such thing as 'no communication,'" Aneesa commented. "We are always in the process of communicating. When we bang a door, we are communicating our anger. Even when we just keep quiet, it is a way of communicating our emotions. All individuals have to deal with thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You cannot see my thoughts, feel my emotions, but you can see the result of these in my behavior."

Contrary to all the connotations associated with the word, conflict is not negative, Aneesa believes. Conflict is a means of resolving our problems instead of suppressing them, and without the ability to compromise, we will never resolve our conflicts.

She gives two tips for amicable conflict resolution:

•  Be respectful.

•  Keep the problem the point of focus.

All said and done, it would appear that children who have parents who live according to Islamic teachings — meaning that they communicate effectively with their children, strive to create an understanding of Islam in their offspring, rear children who are confident, upbeat, proudly Muslim — will hopefully prove to be a valuable asset to the Ummah in years to come. They also prove that Islam and the West need not be antithetical.

Saaleha Bhamjee is a mother of four and a writer based in South Africa. She is a regular columnist for The Muslim Woman, a magazine in South Africa. She is amember of the Islamic Writers Alliance and can be contacted at imraan.bhamjee@fnbisp.co.za.