A War of Nerves in the Classroom

Name of Questioner: david Lebanon

Title: A War of Nerves in the Classroom

Question: To us Muslims who are fighting through secondary school as in high school, how do we avoid negative vibes from our bad mannered classmates? They are constantly trying to impress each other by talking about sex and how they did the opposite of what their parents told them to do, and so on. I’m not talking about protecting ourselves from them, because frankly, I feel sorry for them. It just irritates me. I believe profoundly in psychology and its effectiveness and so far I’ve been confident enough not to fall into traps, especially that ‘fitting in’ trap.

I am thankful that I have amazing friends, but that is not the question. What do you do when these classmates attack you, not physically, but verbally? How do you treat somebody who is constantly irritating you and joking about the good things that you do which they consider childlike or stupid? Don’t get me wrong, I am not ashamed of the good that I do. What I am suffering from is lack of concentration in class. I’m constantly thinking of what I’m going to say or do and predicting problems so that I can resist them.

This is a form of bullying that is difficult to deal with, because it attacks your self-esteem, your belief system, your concentration skills, everything! I know that a lot of other people suffer from this which is why I asked you this question. Can you please give others and myself some advice?

Thank-you for keeping this site alive. I guarantee you have helped an uncountable number of people and for that you have earned my appreciation, and the respect and love of us all. Thank-you again!

Name of Counsellor Hwaa Irfan

Topic Self-esteem issues

Answer

As-salamu `alaykum my son, and may Allah, with all His mercy and love, guide you and bless you in sha`Allah.

You know, the funny thing about life is that things are not always as they seem, especially when one is an adolescent. Here you are, caught in a situation that is forced upon you intentionally to some extent, with boys of your age who basically brag about something that may or may not have happened! Please do not misunderstand me, but this is a period of life when everyone wants to fit in with his or her peers at all cost sometimes. Often the cost is not too high and just amounts to ‘talk’ in order to be accepted or to look big in front of the others. After all, this is the image that the irresponsible media sell to the youth, that of being careless and carefree. It is an image that is supposed to be the marker of becoming an adult. Un -knowingly, you represent the opposite of what they talk about and wish to be. Of course, you are not a part of any of this and in fact, in this way you pose a threat to the reality they wish to create. In order to rid themselves of this threat, they attack what they feel threatens them. They can only do this emotionally or psychologically speaking because, at the end of the day, you didn’t do anything. In other words, their behavior towards you is unjustified. Certain world leaders do exactly the same thing (politically speaking) and if anything, they set the example for making this kind of behavior acceptable.

While your classmates are busy trying to be something they are not and practicing this ill-informed sense of liberty, just remember one thing. By doing so, they are throwing away their youth and laying the foundations for some heavy lessons later in their lives. Amongst your classmates there will be those who will become convinced by the propaganda that they are falling into.

Someone might feel like a failure because they are unable to live up to that image

Some will form a false notion of what it is to be a man and will form bad relationship(s) with girls who also possess the same understanding

Some will form a wrong image of girls and as a result, a girl will get hurt (maybe seriously)

Some will develop mistrust of relationships, because relationships were badly formed in the beginning in which they themselves get hurt

If they are fortunate, no one will get someone pregnant or contract a venereal disease / AIDS

Because of this malformed perception of themselves and of girls, they are more likely to end up in bad marriages and get divorced if the image is not corrected

Some waste the opportunities of youth and lose there way a little

Others will wake up in time and appreciate what they have because you were an example.

As you can see, much emotional damage can take place in these ‘inbetween years' which lay the ground for the early adult years. On these foundations opportunities are lost. Yet, I am sure that you are aware of all I have just said. What is important here is that you see these classmates as they are. When you can see them as they are and realize how empty and meaningless their actions are, you will be better placed to understand that their actions have less to do with you; someone who knows who he is, but have more to do with how little they know themselves. Your presence shakes them a little, but rather than feel pity, dejected, or worthless, you must realize your own value. Without you in their lives, they have no mirror to reflect what they are doing to themselves. If you react, feel upset, or disturbed in some way, this will make them feel triumphant. When they feel triumphant, they will keep trying until you all fall by the wayside of life in one form or another.

Now if you were to realize that they have nothing that you want and that you already have everything that you need, you will begin to realize and appreciate your own wealth. No one can take this wealth away from you unless you give it away. This wealth is not about being better than anyone else, it is just a way of seeing what makes you feel comfortable inside yourself. Do what is necessary to help you concentrate and relax. Accept them as they are with all their weaknesses and by doing so, you will create less tension and less disapppointment. When you can do this individually, others will begin to test you, not in a bad way, but in terms of letting down their defenses. Sometimes it is easier for them than at other times, but in this way, they are more able to be themselves instead of the person they are pretending to be. By honoring yourself, you are allowing them to honor you by helping them to respect themselves. That is what a role model is and as hard as it can be sometimes, that is what being a Muslim is – a role model towards being a better human being. It is far from being a boring task, in fact, it can be fun. What matters is that you do not lose yourself, otherwise others too, will lose themselves.

In the process, you will begin to respect yourself and your rights as a human being and in this learning process you will become more relaxed, and more clear as to what you should be doing. You will feel less distracted and the gap between you and them will become less. Anyone who is your enemy without you having made them so, is their own worst enemy, not yours. This is the lesson we learn from the life of Prophet Muhammed. Despite all the insults, and against all the odds, he maintained his self-respect and humility and remained sure of Allah. When a bad member of a tribe entered the room in which Prophet Muhammed was present he (peace be upon him),

“…treated in a frank and friendly way and spoke to him. When he departed, I said: Apostle of Allah! When he asked permission, you said: He is a bad member of the tribe, but when he entered, you treated him in a frank and friendly way. The Apostle of Allah replied: Aisha! Allah does not like the one who is unseemly and lewd in his language.” (abu Daw`ud 41 #4774)

You may well say that was Prophet Muhammed, but Allah made a clear example of him as a man to follow, a man, who was like all other men except that he too could not take anymore of what was happening in the society around him and so went off to the caves to meditate and contemplate. In your prayers, seek continued guidance from Allah and do not waste all your energy to defend yourself against the ignorant, but know deep down in your heart where you came from and Whom you shall return to and that this life is, but it is one to make the most of.

Your classmates’ weapons that seek to make you small, become small themselves because you understand that those weapons are from a point of powerlessness. Yes, they are powerless to help themselves and are subjects of their lower selves. With this in mind, it then becomes easier to concentrate on your lessons as their actions become irrelevant. A man follows the religon of his friends, so continue to give thanks for the good friends you have. Do not convince yourself, like so many do, that it is because you are a Muslim. There are Muslims who do the same deeds that you complain of to other Muslims. It is just that for some, there always has to be a scapegoat for somebody else’s weaknesses. This is just to make them feel comfortable with their ignorance. Give thanks that you are who you are and pray for them that they will awaken from their self-induced illusions.

At the same time, nothing is really black or white. Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan a teacher and a Sufi puts it like this: “Evil done, when it is considered evil, is a sin; and good done, when it is considered good, is a virtue, but one who does good or bad without understanding, has no responsibility for his sins nor credit for his virtues; but he is liable to punishment or reward just the same.

Man forms his future by his actions. His every good or bad action spreads its vibrations and becomes known throughout the universe. The more spiritual a man is, the stronger and clearer are the vibrations of his actions, which spread over the world and weave his future”.

So take your time and weave your future as only you can, my son. I apologize that we have not been able to help you more than this, but always remember, never lose sight of your own soul when shaytan is always on the look-out!