Getting Up and Finding Myself

It seems my world stopped when she died because it was so unexpected—but that is death, isn’t it?

A new world has begun for me where I am a new person, everything seems different. I’m a stranger to myself because my dreams and aspirations have changed. Sometimes I don’t even have any. Sometimes I am confused about my feelings and thoughts. Most of the time I can’t remember my goals. Sometimes I feel so many different emotions at the same time that I feel I am going to go insane. Painful sadness, self-pity, anger, fear, guilt, shame, and then happiness for her, for she is in a much better place. Sometimes I forget that she is gone and my heart stops painfully for a moment when I remember.

Some nights when I sleep, I dream about her in a dream so vivid that I wonder. Then I wake up and it’s all just a dream. She is gone. I don’t want to get out of bed. I force myself back to sleep so that I can dream about her a bit more. I want to cry, I try really hard but I can’t. Sometimes because the tears just don’t come or because I know I shouldn’t. I keep getting bad mood swings and I snap at people around me. I always feel bad about that. Most of the time I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I was with my family for about a month after it happened and then I had to come back to school. At home I had the love and support of my family and I had to be strong for them, so it made it easier … bearable. Away from them it got really hard.

So days go by and I am falling down, getting lower and lower, and I finally fall really hard. I know I should get up but it seems there is nothing and no one to hold on to and heave me up to my feet. It feels like I am in a room full of people, my friends, my acquaintances, and I have fallen so low … flat on my face. At first it seems like no one sees me, or they see but are ignoring. Then I look around and see that they are uncomfortable. Many want to help but are unsure of what to say. Most just say “hey, come on, be strong, get up!” from a distance. Some come forward to help me up but are unsure of where to hold to heave me up to my feet. Some just give me tight hugs. A lot behave like everything is normal and try to act cheerful. Cheerful? I hang my head in heartbreak. No one, it seems, can really reach me.

A tiny voice whispers in my ear and I lift my head, wondering … Why are they behaving like that? Why is it like this? Then I realize they might be doing it for me, helping me in their own different ways. A smile hangs at the corners of my mouth. Why am I reluctant to ask for or to receive help? Why am I reluctant to tell them what I am feeling? Because I am afraid, because I don’t want it to be awkward, because I don’t want to put them in tight corners, making them uncomfortable, because I don’t want to be thought of as weak, because everyone in the room is either in the process of falling, getting up, or also flat on their faces. We all have our problems and sometimes we fall. It all depends on the manner you get up and how quickly. Now I am smiling. So this is life? No one can help you more than you can help yourself.

I am getting up all right, but I am doing mine in style. I listen to that voice whispering … following the sound, I get up slowly. Wow! That voice whispering is my faith. It seems it is enough of a hold, strong enough for me to get up. Dusting myself down, I give thanks to Allah Most High for my faith. How could I have looked somewhere else, how could I have depended on another? No one can help you more than you can help yourself by seeking assistance from Allah Most High. He is with those who seek assistance in patience and in prayers. So first thing first, I pray. I pray for me, my sister, and everyone else (especially those in the room). Suddenly I am filled with this strong craving to get closer to my Lord, to gain knowledge, to understand.

So as I read the Qur’an in Arabic, a feeling of peace engulfs me and I recite it out loud in pleasant tones. As I read the meaning of the Qur’an in a language I understand, a feeling of calmness engulfs me, hugging me closer and tighter. With every surah, every verse, the words speak to me, answering my questions, solving my problems, relieving my burdens, and soothing the pain in my heart. Everything begins to make more sense and it seems everything is as it should be. For Allah Most High is saying be patient, be humble, remember Me and never forget Me, ask Me for help, assistance in patience and in prayer. Allah Most High is with those who are patient: (Therefore remember Me, I will remember you. Give thanks to Me, and reject not Me. O ye who believe! Seek help in steadfastness and prayer. Lo! Allah is with the steadfast) (Al-Baqarah:152-153).

I stand up straighter and close my eyes, I try to remember her face … then I see her in my mind … beautiful, her face glows and her happy laughter echoes in my head. The pain is still there but I can handle it now, I have learned from it and I am developing to be a better person because of it. When little children pass away, Allah places them in the care of Prophet Ibrahim (peace and blessings be upon him) in Paradise. Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“The believers’ children are looked after by Ibrahim and Sara, in a mountain in paradise, until he give them back to their fathers on the Day of Resurrection” (reported by Al-Hakim and Ahmad)

And then as I read this verse, (No one dies unless Allah permits, the term of every life is fixed) (Aal `Imran:145), I ask myself, what is this life but a passing test? All praise and glory be to Allah, to Him we belong and to Him we shall return.