Abstain Now, Enjoy Life Later

How Islam Closes the Door on Dating and Premarital Relations

The game is dangerous. It's like hunting. That's a crude simile, but it fits. The rules are clear. Just do it. Go for it. Don't think, just act. Dress to impress. Show off what you've got! The goal is all about finding someone. Not just any person. The right person. Mr. Right. Ms. Right. How many times you try is up to you. Time is of the essence. It's risky. It hurts to lose. It's painful. Sometimes you go home alone. Sometimes you don't.

But in either case, every single time you try, you are sinning, and every single time you do it, your heart becomes harder and harder. That's unfair, someone says. Why should it be a sin to date when the main purpose is to find the perfect match? What's so sinful about going out with someone? And if it feels right, what's wrong with touching that person? What's so harmful about a simple kiss? We intend to get married in the future.

When we look around us, it sometimes feels like Muslims lead the most boring lives. We are forbidden from drinking, gambling, premarital relations, and so on. What are we supposed to do for fun? If dating is so harmful, how come all the other youth in the world have girlfriends and boyfriends? Some of them even get married to the person they have been dating, so isn't that good? Isn't it better to know, really well, the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with? I'm not going to marry a stranger, so isn't it my right to date and "try out" what intimacy is going to be like with the person I am going to marry?

The Painful Reality

We'll get to some of those questions raised a little later. For now, let's take a quick look at the experience of one man in his 20s who wrote to the IslamOnline Cyber Counselor Service because he felt regretful and "unclean and sinful."

I did something I swore to myself as a Muslim I would never do, I had pre-marital sex, once with a non-Muslim girl, and once with a Muslim girl now I am very regretful and feel very disobedient, unclean and sinful. Although I have deeply apologized to the two individuals and asked for their forgiveness, I cannot forgive myself for such lewd, crude and disgusting acts.

Since then nothing has gone right with my life. I tried to stay steadfast and pray, but it didn't and doesn't work, because of my faults. I have asked for Allah's forgiveness time and time again, I have trouble being in the present, I can't talk to anyone, I get depressed and in circumstances where there is someone I know well (Muslims and non-Muslims) are committing sins too. I have kind of stopped speaking and kind of cut ties, I even tried to marry the women, of course not telling my parents the real reason why. My parents would not let me (not even for myself) correct my actions. I pray that Allah forgives them (my parents and the women and I feel that He has); but as for me, I feel that I will never be forgiven, and that I feel many different emotions and many different things that I cannot describe right now.

Reread this message and focus on the keywords. This man satisfied his sexual desires twice, once with a non-Muslim woman and once with a Muslim woman. He might have felt physical pleasure for what now seems to him like a blink of an eye; whereas the emotional torment he experienced afterwards seemed to him to have lasted for an eternity.

The questioner described his feelings associated with physical pleasures by using words such as disobedient, unclean, sinful, lewd, disgusting, and crude. He describes his feelings associated with the emotional torment by using words and phrases such as depressed and will never be forgiven. You are invited to visit the IslamOnline.net Web site and to read in the Cyber Counselor section and the Fatwa section about Muslims who have dated or who have had premarital relations. You will read about the hollow, empty feelings they felt inside after having violated Islamic teachings on a spiritual level, from having given up their chastity on a personal level, and from having violated and taken the chastity of another person on a human level.

The Wisdom

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of daily life and in an attempt to keep up with times, we get caught up in making comparisons of different lifestyles and we want to have "fun" like everyone else. We forget that Islam offers human beings a comprehensive way of life. Allah Most High, in His ultimate wisdom, has complete knowledge of human behavior, both hidden and apparent.

To better understand how to live life, we must turn to the Qur'an and the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as well as to the most authentic interpretations of Islamic teachings by learned scholars of Islam. When we attempt to understand why we are allowed to do one thing but not allowed to do another, we also must strive to understand and be confident that even if we do not agree with the explanation or are unable to fully grasp the reasoning behind it, we must accept it and uphold Islamic teachings to the best of our abilities.

So Muslims are forbidden from having any premarital relations? Is it really forbidden in the Qur'an? Is it specifically mentioned? Yes and no. Yes, Muslims are forbidden from having any premarital relations, which involve looking at or talking to someone of the opposite sex provocatively, or having physical relations with someone of the opposite sex. And no, the Qur'an does not use contemporary words such as "dating" or "premarital relations."

So how do we know that dating and premarital relations are forbidden? Let's consider just one verse to help us get started. Allah Most High commands us in the Qur'an [Nor come near to zina: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils)] (Al-Israa' 17:32). We intentionally retain the wordzina in relating this verse because this term, more than any other term, conveys the most comprehensive sense of what it means to have sexual relations before marriage or sexual relations outside of the fold of marriage.

When two people of the opposite sex are stimulated by a sexual desire to look at, talk to, and engage in physical contact with each other, and neither of them is married, this is zina, in this case meaning fornication. When two people of the opposite sex are stimulated by a sexual desire to look at, talk to, and engage in physical contact with each other, and one or both of them is married (to someone else), this is zina, in this case meaning adultery. Using zina's most comprehensive definition, Allah Most High declares that we should not even come near to zina. For example, we should not even engage in thoughts or behavior that draw us close to committing zina.

Some of us say, well, what I mean by dating is that a friend and I just go out to eat, or go to the movies or go shopping. And yet, a relevant hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) reminds us that "Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan will be the third among them" (Ahmad).

It is simply impermissible for a man and a woman to be in public or private alone if the man is not mahram to her (that is, he is not from among the permissible categories of close relatives with whom one can interact but cannot marry). A shopping mall or a restaurant can also be defined as private as long as those in the mall and restaurant are unaware that it is impermissible for Muslims to be alone with a member of the opposite sex if the man is not mahram to the woman. How can we say we are in a public setting when, in majority non-Muslim societies, no one around us knows that we are actually committing a sin?

Others say, I am dating, but it's strictly platonic. We told each other we are not going to have any physical relations before marriage. Who can guarantee that? For how long?

It is such a natural, human, Allah-endowed tendency for humans to express their love through physical intimacy after a marriage contract is solemnized. However, in drawing up artificial agreements like let's date, but keep it totally non-sexual, we go against that natural tendency or try to suppress it, thinking we will not be conquered by it. And for every couple that might have succeeded in staying chaste, there are horror stories of those who did not succeed and therefore sinned against themselves and against Allah Most High.

The Painful Truth

While so much more could be said about why Islam closes the door on premarital relations, in this short essay, I have chosen to emphasize the fact that dating and even platonic premarital relationships can bring people close to zina. The verse we cited above clearly notes that zina is an evil in itself that consequently opens the door to other evil actions. The painful truth for people who take risks when it comes to fulfilling their lower desires is that, over time, they become a victim and a hostage of those lower desires.

Everything in the lives of these people focused on nothing but the fulfillment of their lower desires. How they spend their time, with whom they spend their time, what thoughts they have, how often they act before thinking, and how guilty they feel afterwards — all are possible indicators of how controlled they are by their lower desires. Every television show and movie that features indecency, profanity, scenes of touching, kissing, and foreplay fulfills parts of their lower desires. Consistent intake of such media is a form of virtual zina and should also be avoided both before and after marriage.

Imam Ahmad recorded Abu Umamah saying that a young man came to the Prophet and said, "O Messenger of Allah! Give me permission to commit zina (unlawful sex)." The people surrounded him and rebuked him, saying, "Stop! Stop!" But the Prophet said, "Come close." The young man came to him, and he said, "Sit down," so he sat down. The Prophet said, "Would you like it (unlawful sex) for your mother?" He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you." The Prophet said, "Neither do the people like it for their mothers." The Prophet said, "Would you like it for your daughter?" He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you." The Prophet said, "Neither do the people like it for their daughters." The Prophet said, "Would you like it for your sister?" He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you." The Prophet said, "Neither do the people like it for their sisters." The Prophet said, "Would you like it for your paternal aunt?" He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! May I be ransomed for you." The Prophet said, "Neither do the people like it for their paternal aunts." The Prophet said, "Would you like it for your maternal aunt?" He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! May I be ransomed for you." The Prophet said, "Neither do the people like it for their maternal aunts." Then the Prophet put his hand on him and said, "O Allah, forgive his sin, purify his heart, and guard his chastity." After that the young man never paid attention to anything of that nature.

The young man in this example is not unlike any of us in contemporary society who vigorously search through Islamic teachings for exceptions, allowances, and permissions that would allow us to fulfill our desires, whatever they might be. In this incident, however, the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) did not rebuke the young man for asking permission to commit fornication. Rather, with each question the Prophet Muhammad humanized the other party involved in an act of fornication.

When a man wishes to date or to have premarital relations with a woman who is in fact someone else's daughter, sister, aunt, or cousin, he should be asked to pause and to reflect upon his actions. An appeal is being made to the honor and dignity he ascribes to women of his own family, such as his own sisters, aunts, cousins, and mother.

Final Thoughts

One of the challenges of growing up in contemporary society is that many of the messages around us are focused on sexuality, on being sexy, on dressing and acting in a sexy way, and ultimately, on satisfying ourselves, no matter what our desire may be! Islam teaches us not only to exercise self-restraint in all aspects of our lives, but also to pay special attention in guarding our chastity. Just saying "I don't date because I'm Muslim" is not enough.

One must strive to understand the horrific and negative impact that premarital relations can have on the fabric of society. The reminder from the Qur'an is clear: Not only should we stay away from zina, but we should also realize that the path towards zina is also the same path that opens the door to so many other evils. And that's precisely why Islam closes the door and forbids dating and premarital relations. Strive now to abstain from premarital relations and, in sha' Allah, you will enjoy life later on because you will not have to carry the burden of unchaste, sinful conduct on your shoulders. Wait, don't date, so that marriage you'll appreciate!

Altaf Husain is a social worker in the United States and has been a contributing writer to Islam Online since 1998. He can be contacted at youth_campaign@iolteam.com