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Take a look at the title of this article. It refers to "my mum," meaning she's mine. I only have one mum and that fact is unchangeable. And the second part mentions "friend." Now that might seem a contradiction at first — mum=friend. but it's not necessarily so.
It's a part of growing up that you change from being dependent on your mum, but there's still a part of you that is attached to her, and that will always be attached to her simply because she is your mother and loves you in a very special way. But you cannot be dependent on her all your life, so when you venture out and away from her, you will need to find a new foothold. What I mean by foothold is that when you were young, you relied on her for everything, like food, clothing, comfort, and advice. If you were sad, you went to her for help, if you fell over and hurt yourself, it was your mum who helped you up. But now you can do most things by yourself (most possibly because she taught you!) and you seek comfort and advice from someone else, not her. And that someone else is your new foothold.
Some young people find this new "foothold" with a friend, a teacher, or a relative. At this stage of our life it seems important that you don't look like you need your mum. Maybe if you did appear to be too close to her, then your friends would laugh at you, belittle you, and make you feel isolated from them; and this is especially hard if they have become your new foothold in life.
So it's a fact that you are growing independent from your mum, and it is also a fact that you are developing new relationships with others that are stronger and different. I mean different to the kind of relationship you might have had with people before.
So you are distancing yourself away from your mum but are still tied with that invisible cord that may cause you to be upset if she is upset or unsettled or if you know she is angry with you for something. Sometimes that invisible tie between you and her might infuriate you; you might feel angry at the fact that you are still so connected to her even though you have grown up. Maybe sometimes you wish deep inside that she would just go away and leave you alone.
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But keep in mind that just as you are having to adjust as you move away from her and gain more independence, she is also having to adjust to you. Her child is moving away from her and what she sees as the safety of her arms into this cruel, tough, and hard world. For so many years when you were very young, you filled her life. She didn't just take care of you in terms of the cooking, cleaning, and all that, but she also made plans for you, worried about you, and checked on you in the night when you were asleep — just to be sure you were OK. Much of what you are and what you can be, can be traced back to her and the affect she had on you in molding you and steering you through your life. So then what happens?
Just as you seem to be growing up and everything is looking fine, you start to turn away from her and somehow reject her authority, as you seek to gain some of your own.
Sometimes both of you are angry — perhaps with each other and or with your own selves and your inability to balance things so that both of you can be happy and satisfied. The eyes of both reflect an angry, hurt spirit that feels helpless in being able to change things for the better. You must grow up, but does that mean that you have to also grow apart?
Have you ever had someone in your life that you loved a lot, and because of that you did everything you could to make that person happy; but then that person turned away from you, said unkind things to you or spoke with you in a harsh rude manner — how did it feel? How do you imagine it would feel?
The way you deal with your own mum tells a lot about you as a person and how you will deal with people in close relationships in your life. That's a fact. Your mum is the foundation of your relationships, and so if you keep a balance with her, you will also learn how to keep balance with your other relationships as well as with your own self.
This is what you should try to do:
- Make a rule for yourself that you will treat your mum well — say and do things that will make her happy.
- If you are steering a course in your life that is different from what she wants, be gentle and try to convince her — never be harsh or rude.
- Reassure her that you still love her. Remember that anger usually grows out of fear, so if she seems angry with you, perhaps it's because she's so worried about you. Remember that she feels as if she is losing you and that hurts her a lot.
- Keep yourself in the company of good people; whether they are friends, teachers, or relatives. Be sure these people are seeking to practice Islam and that Allah is the center of your life, and theirs.
Allah tells us to treat mothers well (And We have enjoined upon Man concerning his parents - His mother bore him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years - Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents. Unto Me is the journeying.) (Luqman: 14).
Allah also tells us that when we are older, around 40 years old, we look back on our lives and see things more clearly
[… till, when he attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! Grant me the power and ability that I may be grateful for Your Favour which you have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and that I may do righteous good deeds, such as please You, and make my off-spring good. Truly, I have turned to You in repentance, and truly, I am one of the Muslims (submitting to Your Will).] (Al-Ahqaf:15)
Don't wait until that time to realize that your mum can be both your mother and your friend!
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