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The recent attacks on the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. are frightening and overwhelming for all of us. While adults are biologically prepared to face such events, they sometimes experience much difficulty in coping with the shock. But what about our children who have not yet developed their defense skills? For many parents, talking to their children about terrorism seems as tough as talking to them about sex, violence and drugs.
However, all doctors agree on the urgency of communicating with younger children and the necessity to be observant for often subtle "cries for help".
"Children experience a variety of reactions and feelings in response to a disaster and need special attention to meet their needs," says Dr. David Fassler (Nami.org). The situation is now twice as hard for Muslim children as they have been victims of a violent act where they may have lost parents, relatives or friends; and secondly because they are victims of harassment because of their beliefs.
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Service, the first thing one must do is provide children with opportunities to talk about what they have seen on TV, their feelings, and what their friends are saying. However, it is also important to monitor TV time and not let them watch too much of the coverage, while at the same time sitting with them when they do watch the news, when they are more apt to ask questions.
If younger toddlers seem unable to realize what is happening, then there is no need to bring up the subject. For the older children, parents are advised to always reassure them of their well-being and safety. Most importantly do not think you must have an answer for each question. There is no shame in saying, "I don't know."
The most important thing is to answer in a language the child will understand. Be aware that their teachers may have already talked about it the events, so try to find out what has been said in order to avoid confusing your child. Teachers may be of big help in this crisis.
Finally, some children, especially teenagers, may want to strike back at people in their grief. Explain to them that it is futile to respond with more violence and that no good can be accomplished by hateful language and actions.
Muslim parents must be twice careful and try to find out how their children are being treated at school. Feeling anxious and afraid for one's safety is a normal reaction but it shouldn't be excessive.
However, instead of fear, the main emotion experienced by many children is a sense of loss and uncertainty. This is an ideal time to remind children of Allah's power and remind them of the Hadith, "Know that victory [achievement] comes through patience, and that ease comes through hardship…" (Bukhari).
In fact, even the department of mental health in Oklahoma strongly recommends positive thinking, "It is important to realize that, while things may seem off balance for a while, your life will return to normal" (P.H.'s brochure).
Experts recommend sharing our sorrow, fears, and anxieties. And who is a better listener than Allah? That is why scholars advise people to pray, make invocations regularly as a family, and set aside extra family time.
After Muslim parents deal with the grief and fear their children are feeling, they also have a secondary problem to deal with - many children are now ashamed to be Muslims.
Many Muslims have had an apologetic attitude since the September 11 events. Do not forget "kids act the way their parents act," says Dr. Fassler. Although some suspects have been identified as "Arab Muslims", children should be told that they have no reason to be ashamed for what others do. Remind them that Allah will judge everyone for what he did and nothing else.
Teaching your children about Islam will help them get through this delicate situation and help them respond to other children who may frequently question them. Muslim children should know that there is no reason for hiding their beliefs.
Teach them that Allah, in the Qur'an always tells people to stay steadfast in their beliefs: "And whosoever of you turns back from his religion and dies as a disbeliever, then his deeds will be lost in this life and in the hereafter, and they will be the dwellers of the Fire. They will abide therein forever," (Qur'an, 2:217).
In addition, it is very important to explain to our kids what jihad (struggle) really means and that such an endeavor comes with specific and set rules and conditions.
Children should be told that in Islam we do not force people to adhere to our beliefs. Allah says, "Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from error" (Qur'an, 2:256).
Explain to them that when they make an effort for the sake of Allah they are doing jihad and that as the prophet said, "The best jihad is [by] the one who strives against his own self for Allah, The Mighty and Majestic," (Invitation to Islam).
A third and final question our Muslim sons and daughters may ask is "Why does Allah allow some people act so badly?" The answer is clear: Allah has created human beings with the freedom of choice. He showed us morality, but He did not choose to impose it on us in any way: "If Allah had willed, He would have brought them all together to the guidance. So be not you among the foolish ones (Qur'an, 6:35), says Sheikh Muzamil Siddiqi.
Children respond to trauma in many different ways. For some it is important for them to do something in response to what happened. However, parents should first reassure them that everything is all right by showing them the reports of new security plans that may help them feel safe. Parent should encourage children of all ages to express emotions through conversation, drawing, or painting.
Parents also should find a way to help others who were affected by the disaster by working with associations that have been created to help the victims, writing letters of comfort and whatever needs to be done within the community, in order to also help involve your children in the rebuilding stage as much as possible.
Children will feel more secure when they understand that something can be done. Of course pray Allah to protect us and to help the orphans all over the world for: There is no help except from Allah" (Qur'an 3:126).
Sources:
- Qur'an, Yusuf Ali's translation of "Al-Qahtaani."
- Shaykh Sa`eed ibn `Ali ibn Wahf. "The Levels of Jihaad." Invitation to Islam Magazine. Issue 5, October 1998.
- Fassler, David, MD. "Helping Children Cope After a Terrorist Attack." 09/2001.
- Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services. "Project Heartland's Brochure"
- "Take Pride in Islam." The Friday Report Magazine. Vol V: No. 6.Nov.1994. U.S. Department of Health & Human Sciences.
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