How to Encourage Our Children to Select Good Friends

*-*-*-*-*

Islam attaches great importance to our selection of friends because the company that we keep has a deep influence on the development of our "selves" and on our intellect. We can gain enjoyment and comfort from our friendships; however, we can also gain distress and pain from them. Therefore, we must exercise extreme care in choosing our associates. 

Can't Say No Friendship

First, parents must remember that friendships between children are more than just fun; they are an important part of social and emotional development. The child’s need to make friends solidifies during school years as kids begin to spend more time outside of their homes. As they become more independent of their families, their need to have the support of friends increases.

Some parents worry about potential bad influences of some friendships on their children so they encourage or even prevent them from having any friendships. However, this is not the right solution because it prevents the natural social development of the child. In addition, we cannot raise our children to be anti-social or isolated from the society in which they live. Instead, we should help them to understand what a true and good friend is, and give them guidelines on choosing good friends.

According to Dr. Smith Winberry, a clinical psychologist in Rochester Hills, U.S., children begin developing relationships based on factors other than a person's proximity to them around the age of nine to twelve years when they start to choose friends for their personality traits and around common interests.

At this point, as parents, we should be even more supportive to our children than before. If we are close to them, we can be more effective in helping them.

Help Your Child Choose Friends

Second, we must help our children to understand that friends exercise deep influence over one another; therefore, it is necessary that we be extremely careful in selecting our friends.

As parents, to be able to guide our children to choose a good companion, we should;

- Help our children to develop self-respect and self-confidence, and teach them that they do not have to join a group of people just because they have been invited.

- Emphasize that our friendships should be based on shared values and interests rather than on convenience or proximity. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, "Man is on his friend's religion. Therefore, man should see with whom he is making friends" (Abu Dawud, Book41 #4815). 

- Help them to understand that the number of friends they have is not important; what  is important is the quality of their friendships.

- Teach them that true friends are those who help us find and stay on the way of

- Help them learn to be patient if they do not immediately find good friends.

- Invite their friends to our homes and help them to feel that their friends belong not just to them but also to the entire family. By doing this, we will encourage them to choose good deserving friends that they will want to introduce to us; at the same time, it will make it easier for us to supervise and advise them.

Ending a Bad Friendship – How?

 However, we must remember that we cannot completely control our children's selection of friends. We may discover that some of them have inappropriate values or behaviors.

At this point, we should explain to them that we disapprove of the particular friend(s) and remind them that, as parents, we have both the right and the responsibility to guide them toward good values and to protect them from bad influences. In this case, we must also remind them that the best basis for selecting friends and establishing relationships is love for Allah; that we should make friends in accordance with our principles.

Abu Zar narrates that he said to Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):

 "O, Messenger of Allah! A man loves certain persons, but has no ability to work like them." The Prophet said, "O Abu Zar! You will be with those whom you loved" (At-Tirmidhi Book4#2494).  

We must teach our children to be strong at school, and to be confident even if they feel different and their schoolmates make fun of them. Help them to recognize and appreciate their uniqueness so that they do not feel ashamed of their differences. Raise them to feel Allah's presence and follow righteousness wherever they may be. Reassure them that it is better to experience temporary loneliness than have friends with bad values.

We might ask, "How can we teach our children all of this?"

The answer is by being an example of what we wish to teach, by reading them the Seerah of Prophet Muhammad ( peace and blessings be upon him ) and the stories of the Companions, and by telling them stories about friendship and other Islamic values. 

We must closely watch them everywhere -at home, at school, at the playground- and notice and acknowledge their strengths, talents, and skills. Give them time to talk about themselves, and to express their feelings, problems, worries and their happiness. Talk back, and answer their questions. 

A good idea is to have a weekly family meeting and class in which we aim to provide an enjoyable atmosphere for them to learn Islamic values.

Sahar Kassaimah is a freelance writer as well as the managing editor of the quarterly American Muslim magazine, and the editor in chief of American Muslim Kids magazine.