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The domestic environment does not seem to have escaped the growing violence that we are experiencing in the world today. Violence trickles downwards whether it is internalized or expressed. The young have become victims to that expression in a form most violent – sexual abuse. Lost and alone with the horror, many have turned to Cyber-counselor at Islamonline.net for help. Most of those victims are Muslims from the US with a minority from India, Australia, Bahamas Caribbean), Lebanon, and the UK. They have experienced abuse mostly at the hands of relatives although some have been abused by in-laws, a family friend, a neighbor, strangers, and in one case a mother sexually abused her son. Out of those questions received 60% of the questioners involved cases of sexual abuse, 6.60% involved rape, 13.33% involved rape and sexual abuse, and 20% involved physical abuse as well as sexual abuse.
Who to Turn To for Help?
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Considering that most of these abuses occurred or began in childhood, one has to appreciate the dilemma that many children experience. In many cases, the children only sense that there is something wrong. They are at a stage of development whereby the home, the family, and the people that they know are supposed to represent warmth, security, trust, and compassion. These aspects are so important in their lives that in some cases, they just cannot comprehend the heinous assault being committed against them as being wrong although they might sense that something is wrong. What they sense as being wrong actually becomes secondary and pushed back as far as possible from their consciousness. With one questioner, the realization that he had been abused did not occur until he was taught sex education at school in the 6th grade. Included in the sex education lessons were issues of homosexuality. Once he had realized, he confronted ‘his uncle' (a family friend) and told him that he wanted it to stop and that it was wrong. In turn his ‘uncle' told him that they are not like these gay people, as it is out of love. He was then forced and anger developed towards this 'uncle'. Although the boy was relieved that his ‘uncle' finally left, the boy felt that there was something wrong with him and that his parents did not care for him.
It is a part of the pattern that sexual abuse victims do not tell anyone, especially their parents. They feel ashamed, dirty, sometimes responsible, fear, blame, and rejection and most of all do not want to hurt those that they love. This was the case for most of the victims who wrote to Cyber-counselor although there were exceptions. One person had experienced sexual abuse which led to rape from the time she was 7 years old to 14 years of age. Remember that rape does not necessarily involve violence, but it definitely does not involve consent. This victim knew something was wrong, but was told that this is what uncle's do to their nieces. She figured he was her uncle so she could trust him. However, by the time she was 11 years old she decided it was wrong and she told her mother. Her mother was devastated and went after him. He denied it and said it was all in the girl's head. The abuse was still there making her feel alone and isolated. This uncle was ‘baby-sitting' her when she was 14 and forced himself on her. She went numb then realized what had happened. She was left with the feeling of being dirty and worthless. She told her mother who became angry with her and refused to believe that it happened. She continued to be sexually abused until she was 16.
The Affect
In most of the cases received, there is a trigger that reawakens the event. After beginning to feel relief, a young girl relived the experience in her mind when the same person who abused her in the past, older and married with children, visited her home and accused her brother of raping their daughter and spread rumors. He then attacked her brother with a knife. The girl relapsed into a further depression. A child robbed of his person-hood through sexual abuse feels worthless and dirty made worse by feeling unable to talk about it. Uppermost in their minds is that they do not want to hurt the ones they love by telling their parents even if the abuser has been a parent. Uncontrollable thoughts that lead to endless questions, headaches, guilt, anger, and confusion can affect one's behavior, how one socializes and how/if one is able to study. In cases where the parent(s) were not physically present/available to protect them or went into denial about it ever happening, the victim often feels betrayed. One victim had low self-esteem and had always felt unwanted because the grandmother cursed the day she was born. She became invisible to the family when another girl was born and was treated like a boy for the first five years of life by her parents. Another sister was born after her when she was 7 and she became invisible to them
and treated like a boy for the first 5 years of her life by her parents. When sexually abused by a cousin she was considered to be a liar against her cousin who was much favored because the grandmother and aunt knew that the grandfather was sexually abusing his granddaughter. She was forced to hold onto what became a nightmare for 13 years and has feared any contact with anyone at the very thought of “…losing everything”. To many young girls getting married would be looked on with anticipation, but for her the very idea frightens her. Another is scared about facing the past and fears telling a future husband. Some fear being in the presence of children, the opposite sex or the same gender. One boy even felt frightened of being in the same room as his family. Another just wants a good Islamic life whereby she can feel safe and worthy again.
U.K
1999 – There were 31,900 children on the child protection register with more boys than girls.
- 12% of these experienced emotional abuse
- 29% sexual abuse
- 41% physical abuse
- 43% severe neglect
In the US every 8th victim was male and 44 percent of rape victims were under 18 years of age. Ninety-three percent of young victims knew who their attackers were (raiin.org) p.2). As trafficking in sex expands with the developments of globalization, one wonders how much the sense of what it means to be children, to be male, and to be female will become increasingly blurred.
Sources:
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