|
"We did not live in poverty, nor were we deprived of anything... I cannot recall a situation where my parents insulted or belittled me or any of my siblings in any way at all. It resulted in all of us growing-up with self-respect, self-love and a good dose of self-esteem."
These are the words of Marwa Dawkins, a midwife and mother of five who grew up in a family of nine brothers and sisters.
This manner of parenting nurtures a child's ability to face the unknown, and as we well know, life is full of the unknown.
On the other hand, Shaytan loves fear and insecurity as it disables us and prevents us from making the right decisions - we react emotionally instead of using our reason.
A Boston report published last month in the American Journal of Psychiatry states, "The children of parents with panic disorders or major depression are at increased risk of developing the same disorders that afflict their parents - even at a very young age," a fact well-known to mental health practitioners who work with emotionally disturbed children and most parents.
In fact, parental mental health does not have to be dysfunctional for patterns of behavior to be imprinted on the psyche of children - along with social phobias.
This observation can be made at certain Islamic schools and mosques here in London due to social prejudices and barriers between groups of people based on race and economic status. The self-esteem of some of the students has been damaged to the extent that they are failing or not reaching their full potential academically, they are preoccupied with seeking the approval of their peers, they have become aggressive, or they stray from Islam.
However, students who are comfortable with who they are fare better in school and in interpersonal relationships, do not feel compelled to prove themselves to unworthy peers, and feel better about being Muslim.
Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, "Treat your children with a view to inculcating self-respect in them."
The children of some professional Muslim families have met their parents' expectations regarding their academic potential; however, they are developing similar attitudes to their non-Muslim counterparts. This is often rooted in an inability to express oneself due to emotional neglect.
As adolescents, some children are fortunate enough to express their concerns and worries with their peers; however, this often leaves them open to western influences. Although not all of these influences are negative, they can easily take a hold of children when there is a lack of parental guidance in their lives and without self-knowledge, self-esteem, and self-respect.
The following are comments of children who are growing up in the West:
"I see people who don't allow themselves to grow in certain areas, even though they have talent or skill, because they feel that would be out of character or that people wouldn't like them if they changed..." said 15- year old Julia Papstavridis after the slayings in Littleton, U.S.
Diana Leary, 17, from New Jersey said, "Most kids' parents don't know what they are doing. I talk to my mom about everything. She shows up for every Parents night (school) and sometimes she is the only one there. It makes me feel good that I have a mom who cares about what is going on with me."
Increased access to satellite television programming and to the Internet widens the scope of influences even further, so that the ability of young people to counteract serious negative aspects of western society are totally based on whether they live in an emotionally secure environment that facilitates their self-respect and self-understanding.
Shaykh Fadhalla Haeri's Tafsir of Sura'tul Infitar, ayat 11, states, "Everything which ever so slightly oversteps its boundaries will convert to its opposite. Take lying, for example. At the moment, it is normal for most of us to lie, but we try not to get caught. If a lie becomes so common, then the lie has transgressed its boundary and is now accepted as truth. If you are over-generous with your children, it becomes meanness. It is meaner to yourself, because you did not want to "hurt" yourself by listening to the children's cries for more, and then having to correct them. Witness this within yourself!"
We should be careful not to reaffirm the same misconceptions about Islam as the West does; particularly when the West, in general, has tended to adhere to no guidelines. However, after its present emotional fallout, it is fortunately beginning to develop mechanisms to deal with the consequences of unhealthy parenting behaviors.
Young people need consistency in their lives - from the terrible two's throughout the turbulent teens. Household rules should be consistent and must be carried out. Children like to know where they stand - when parents are inconsistent, it confuses them, and they start challenging their parents - pitting one up against the other. They try to see just how far they can go before clear limits are set and enforced.
It is best to discipline children through the power of the word and not the hand. They should be taught a justifiable reason for all rules and expectations, and they should be able to feel a clear sense of fairness.
Discipline requires initiative, and an ability to stick with unpleasant tasks. This teaches endurance to children - a quality that they very much need in the world of school and of work.
Parental concerns, worries and anger should be expressed elsewhere - preferably with a spouse or some other adult family member. Parents should not vent their anger and frustrations out on their children - or even worse, withdraw emotionally from them. Children should not have to pay the price of adult concerns.
Parents must accept the limitations of their children if they are genuine, and not limitations that are self-imposed or imposed on them by others. Our children are not our carbon copies. They have their own contributions to make to the world even if it is only to their immediate environments.
No one is good at everything - to continually draw their attention to their weaknesses only serves to undermine their self-confidence and judgment. We must encourage the positive things that they enjoy and help them to develop their creative interests which will help build their self-confidence and feelings of competency.
Negotiate when the situation permits and warrants it; for example, when they wish to do something that is basically advantageous to their overall development. Contrary to common belief, Muslim children have an even greater opportunity to develop their faculties than non-Muslim children; we just don't always perceive it that way, and take advantage of that opportunity.
As parents, we must be available, and we must listen patiently. We must also take an active interest in what our children are doing, and express to them how we feel about the good things they do. We must participate with them in religious activities that are pertinent to the time of the year, and find out which local mosques and Islamic centers have activities for young people. This supports children's religious upbringing in a social environment and provides additional adult guidance for them to turn to if needed.
Nurture healthy relations between your children, other relatives and with your neighbors. As the children in a neighborhood are engaging together in their mutual interests, parents should interact so that they can be assured about what their young people are doing and where. This allows parents to address any common concerns and ascertain appropriate solutions. It also permits them to be able to do some things on their own and with their peers.
With school, parental involvement and guidance, and extra-curricular activities, children have little time to get bored or spend in front of the TV.
If parents are very busy and have little time for their children, the next best solution is to find a close relative that can be there for them. If this cannot be achieved, maybe work and other responsibilities need to be reconsidered!
Remember, "The inner well-being of our children is our inner well-being and that of the home too."
Sources:
American Journal of Psychiatry; Cape Town Khutbahs; Egyptian Reporter; Guardian Weekly; Newsweek; Candice Nuradeen, A Brief History of the Infallibles; R. Jedaar, The Minister, vol. 11, no. 7 and vol. 13, no. 6.
|
