“I Foresee a Very Lonely Life”

I nsha'Allah, I will attempt to be as complete and honest as possible about what I have experienced. Let me first give you some background to the situation. I am of mixed European ancestry and I am in my forties. I was married in my early thirties. It was what one could term a "Love" marriage. I was born and raised in America. My husband, Yahya, is currently in his early forties; he is six years my junior and he is of South Asian origin. He was 28 and I was 34 years old when we got married. We have been married now for about sixteen years. Our married life has always been tumultuous but through it all, we have had three children [who are now] ages 11 through 13. The marriage itself has been like a roller coaster ride – up and down.

Yahya is a very friendly, outgoing, and generous person. He also has a very volatile temper. He can be extremely uncompromising about even tiny things. Never considered any of my opinions to have validity - but took [the] same advice when offered by a man. Always worried that if he came home on time or kept promises to me that his friends would consider that I was "ruling" him. When I met him he was drinking alcohol and he used to even keep a flask with him at all times. Alhamdulillah, I made him quit that. After marriage, I found out that he was a heavy gambler. This is mainly what caused the problems in our marriage. I could never count on whether there would be food from week to week; at various times, the electricity, the gas, and the telephone would be shut off due to non-payment. The rent was always paid late.

My husband asked me not to work outside the home and so, when the landlord would come, etc., I bore the brunt of the abuse from outsiders who wanted their money. He always wanted me to borrow money from my parents, who finally got sick of the whole thing, because he would never pay back. I always prayed and thought that someday Allah (SWT) would show him the right way and things might get better.

After some years of this, I started working as a temporary so I could be sure that at least our basic needs were being met. Also, we had no health insurance, so my job covered that. There were many times that Yahya would say he was going to work and I would see his car outside some social club. When he would come home, he would say "business was slow," or "that's the best I can do." Sometimes, he would be gone 16-18 hours and still came home without any money (he drives a cab). He would never let me know where he was going. Several times something would come up with the children and I had no way to reach him.

Yahya has always been one to stay out with his friends all night – watching movies, gambling (I believe), and just chatting. So his activity [right] before this most recent painful discovery didn't seem unusual. However, his behavior had seemed a little better and he had been working pretty steadily, so I had hoped for the future.

The Shock of My Life

A few years ago, Yahya had an affair with a Christian woman. Apparently, she believed he was well-off as he was throwing money around in nightclubs and casinos. When she found out differently, she dumped him. But recently, he went overseas for a few weeks for his younger brother's wedding. He returned and stayed in our home for only one night (the 2nd after he came back). One day he called me at work and asked if I wanted to have dinner out. While we were at dinner, he dropped the news on me: Yahya had married another woman, a North African, in her late twenties. Needless to say, I ate nothing. I felt nauseous. At first, I thought he was kidding. I asked him to take me home. I had no one to turn to. My mind was reeling. I could not tell my mother – and even today, have not told her. She is Christian and would never understand all this. I did not eat, sleep or go to my job for a week. I just stayed in bed and cried.

Who Was This Woman?

Even today, I have never met her. At home, I looked at the old bills from my husband's cell phone. I called all the numbers with which I was not familiar. There was one that had a voice mail message, "Iman." I did not leave a message. But evidently it [my call] showed on the "missed calls" list on [her] phone and she called the number back.

I asked her what she was doing with my husband. Iman said that Yahya had told her that we were not living together and that out marriage was over. He also told her that we hadn't had relations in several months and that he was planning to leave me. It was clear to me that she had no intention of being a "second " wife. She fully believed that he was leaving me. I told her that my husband and I had slept together the second night after his arrival from overseas while she was out of town visiting her brother. When I told her that, she said, "Oh, I hate him!"

I have no doubt that under different circumstances, we might have liked each other. She sounds a lot like me – only younger). From just talking to her, she seems to be "book smart." Everyone time she is stressed, she runs to the hospital emergency room.

A Bond Forms

As we talked more, Iman told me that she knew about me and the kids. I guess she thought Yahya would leave me and she would be "#1." And now she is! He told her that we were well taken care of. Yahya even told her that we had our own home (we rent an apartment that is too small for 6 people). He told Iman that I, Jamila, wanted to get out of the marriage.

Iman said she felt he lied to her. Yahya even lied to her about things that he did which had absolutely nothing to do with me. Also, she had not been fully open with her family about the circumstances of the marriage. She did not tell them, for example, that he already had a wife or children. Also, Iman said she did not feel she could tell them what he did for a living (instead, she told them he was a "businessman").

I asked her what kind of marriage she was going to have if she began it with lies. She offered to me that she would step out of the picture for my sake and the sake of the children. I replied that I had no right to ask her to do that. She went to stay with a friend for a few days, but did not really stay away. She goes to college and he knew her schedule and looked for her on campus and for her car.

The Second Wife's Pain

One day, she called me. I wondered if Yahya put her on the phone. It turns out, Iman called me to say that he was there and couldn't I make him leave her alone? When she was talking to me, I could hear him commenting angrily in the background. At times, he would grab the phone from her and say nasty things to me. Actually, even beyond saying nasty things, he had beaten me from the beginning of our marriage (even during pregnancy), but had not done so for the past 4-5 years.

It is hard to know my husband's whereabouts these days. He does not have a home phone that I know of. He uses a cell phone, which is always with him. So, I have no way of communicating with her. He will not tell me her last name, and even where they are living. We have no communication. I believe he wants it that way, since I think he is afraid she will learn other things he would like to keep from her. He and she stay together. I live in our family home with my children. My husband picks up the children for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday and takes them out. He does not speak to me unless about the children. If I or the children need something from him, we rely on the cell phone. If he chooses not to answer and lets it go to the voicemail, we are out of luck.

Who am I supposed to depend on?

I work for a psychologist and when all this was happening, I felt I had to talk with him since my work and behavior was so erratic. I was concerned about losing my job - and I feel I cannot depend on my husband to support me or the kids consistently, even if he has the ability. My boss recommended I see someone, but I have been unable to find someone who doesn't have a "western" mentality, if that makes sense.

The Masjid or Local Muslim Community?

I called my local masjid asking if there was someone who could counsel me through this, advise me of what Shari'a says, etc. They gave me the number of a brother I could talk to. He called me at my job (I couldn't talk - I work in an open area with other people); he offered to call me at home in the evening. But I have never heard from him again.

Sometimes I feel suicidal

I am very depressed. Sometimes I feel suicidal. It is my children who keep me from doing anything awful. I am praying and asking Allah (SWT) to straighten things out.

Accepting a Lonely Future

There is no way I can compete with a younger woman. She is not "tired," as my husband puts it. She "goes out with him" when he asks her to. I suppose she can - there are no children to worry about; she doesn't have a job so if she sleeps at a late hour after spending time with him, it doesn't affect her. I have been responsible for all household and child care issues from the beginning. I guess this is my lot. I feel I will be alone for the rest of my life (I'm [not] young, but I still have a long way to go). I will never be able to "retire." I will never have anyone who loves me or touches me affectionately. Besides, it is hard to meet a Muslim man who would want an older woman with children. I foresee a very lonely life, especially after my children are grown and have families of their own. My whole life revolved around my husband and my family, and now the major component of that life is gone. So I lead sort of a half-life. I do not find joy in anything. My children's grades and attitudes are worsened through all of this. So now I have that to worry about, too.

Editor's Note: Islam Online is in touch with Sr. Jamila and our counseling team has been trying to help her cope with the situation as well as empower her to come to some Islamic resolution regarding her family's future. Have a counseling concern? Click www.islamonline.net/questionapplication/english/question.asp