Make the Most of Being Dad!

Love Your Wife

Loving your wife is extremely important because from this relationship springs forth the role model that the children will use as their map later on in life. Once a sister (may Allah bless her and her family) told me, "If I could choose any man in the world to marry, I would want him to be like my father." In another situation I observed a small girl yelling at her younger brother. Her mother asked, "Why do you to talk to him like that?" The girl responded, "Because this is how you and Baba talk to each other. As men we set an important precedent in the home. By loving our wives and treating them with compassion and mercy, in sha' Allah, we make those qualities fall into the hearts of our children. It is well known that the children of abusers have a great potential to abuse. The child is a reflection of the parental shadow. Mercy toward the women in the family represents a baton passed on from father to son.

Be a Man of Integrity

Be a man of integrity, or your words will fall on deaf ears. It is said that a man's worth is founded on his words.

Humaid ibn `Abdur-Rahman ibn `Awf reported his mother, Umm Kulthum bint `Uqba ibn Abi Mu`ait — and she was one among the first emigrants who pledged allegiance to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) — as saying that she heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) saying, "A liar is not one who tries to bring reconciliation amongst people and speaks good (in order to avert dispute), or he conveys good." Ibn Shihab said he did not hear that exemption was granted in anything what the people speak as a lie but in three cases: in battle; for bringing reconciliation amongst persons; and the narration of the words of the husband to his wife, and the narration of the words of a wife to her husband (in a twisted form in order to bring reconciliation between them). (Muslim 32 #6303)

Fathers, do you keep your appointments and promises with your children? Do you exercise as much effort to be with them as, say, with your friends or business appointments? Once a parent was asked to introduce himself to his son's classmates. After the father listed his accomplishments, the son said, "You know, these things are nice, but they don't mean anything to me. What means the most to me is that my dad is in private to me what he is to others in public." This really applies to the people involved in Islamic work and the masjid. Are we the same behind closed doors as we are in public? What type of image is developing in front of our children? Nothing shatters the heart of a child more than parental inconsistencies. Let us keep our promises and stick to a positive behavior pattern at all times.

`Abdullah reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying, "It is obligatory for you to tell the truth, for truth leads to virtue and virtue leads to Paradise, and the man who continues to speak the truth and endeavors to tell the truth is eventually recorded as truthful with Allah; and beware of telling of a lie, for telling of a lie leads to obscenity and obscenity leads to Hellfire, and the person who keeps telling lies and endeavors to tell a lie is recorded as a liar with Allah." (Muslim 32 #6309)

The Qur'an tells us that Allah is closer to us than our jugular vein, so He is wherever we may be.

[It is only the devil who would make (men) fear his partisans. Fear them not; fear Me, if ye are true believers.] (Aal `Imran 3:175)

Time Spent Is Time Well Invested

Family Reunites, Katrina

Once a father told me of all the things that he had showered on his son. However, when I asked the son what he wanted most from his father, he said, "I just want him to spend time with me." Make a schedule and spend at least an hour a day with your kids. Believe me, in sha' Allah, it will make all the difference in the world. A lot of important things can be discussed while throwing a ball, playing hoop or board games, or taking short walks or trips to the park. Turn off your mobile and lose yourself in their thoughts. Could you imagine if Prophet Luqman suddenly told his son, "Wait there's an important phone call?" Or if Prophet Ibrahim told Isma`il as they were building the Ka`bah, "Just one moment, I have a fax coming in"? Make note of your conversation and listen attentively. Offer feedback or sincere advice to them, and surprise them with heart-felt hugs and small notes of appreciation.

Give a Big Dose of Self-Worth

You, more than anyone else, can give your children the kind of self-worth that lasts for a lifetime. As a son, I can remember many great things that my mother told me. However, it was always the praise of my father and his advice that truly struck a chord in my heart. We as men can make or break our children. It is important to avoid harsh words and over-inflated perceptions of our children. Instead, let us advise them, praise them, and nurture them.

Prophet Muhammad said, "The similitude of that guidance and knowledge with which Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, has sent me is that of rain falling upon the earth. There is a good piece of land which receives the rainfall (eagerly) and as a result of it there is grown in it herbage and grass abundantly. Then there is a land hard and barren which retains water and the people derive benefit from it and they drink it and make the animals drink. Then there is another land which is barren. Neither water is retained in it, nor is the grass grown in it. And that is the similitude of the first one who develops the understanding of the religion of Allah and it becomes a source of benefit to him with which Allah sent me. (The second one is that) who acquires the knowledge of religion and imparts it to others. (Then the other type is) one who does not pay attention to (the revealed knowledge) and thus does not accept guidance of Allah with which I have been sent." (Muslim 30 #5668)

Be a Good Role Model

`Abdullah ibn `Umar accepted Islam before he was 10 years old. `Abdullah would observe the sayings and actions of Prophet Muhammad. If Prophet Muhammad prayed in a particular place, later so would `Abdullah. If he saw Prophet Muhammad make du`aa' while standing, so would `Abdullah. Our children develop their sense of self-worth from our actions and words. By our example and good words of advice, we can plant the seeds that will sprout into worthy adults and noble citizens.

Communicate as a Family

It is common to see Muslims complaining about the injustices and human rights violations that exist in many Muslim countries. However, there is no need to call others Pharaoh when one is practicing the Pharonic model at home.

Allah Most High described the believers as a people of consultation. The Prophet (peace and blessing be upon him) and the Companions placed great importance in shura. As a father it is easy to impose your opinion on the household, but this is not necessarily the most fruitful method. Talking and listening to others will allow them to feel that you truly respect them and value their thoughts and ideas. In addition, it will increase their self-worth and guide them towards the important qualities of listening, sharing, and offering input.

Prophet Muhammad (may peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Three are the signs of a hypocrite: when he spoke he told a lie, when he made a promise he acted treacherously against it, when he was trusted he betrayed." (Muslim 1 #0112)

May Allah help us to improve as fathers and touch the lives of those around us.

  Suhaib Webb was born in Oklahoma, USA, and converted to Islam in 1992. He has a bachelor's degree in elementary education and resides in Egypt with his family where he is pursuing a degree in Islamic Law at Al-Azhar University.