Alternative Dads

The United States, according to U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, is a nation "whose law and whose very moral foundation recognize that there is a bond, a special, wonderful, sacred bond between father and son…" Unfortunately, Reno's statement is a pale representation of the harsh reality we live in.

The reality is that fathers are absent from the lives of their children, far too often and far too easily. Today, thirty-five percent of children live apart from their biological fathers. Studies show that as time passes, the father's involvement with his long-distance children continually diminishes.

The other half of the reality, and perhaps the more frightening part, is the accepted way of handling the situation. In a small attempt to make us feel better, mentors, male relatives or close friends, replace fathers. However, while this may provide the child with a "buddy" or even the occasional guidance-giver, it does not help the child.

Biological Versus Sociological

The bond between mother and child and father and child are significantly different, but equally important. In the mother, the biological and sociological dimensions of parenting are nearly inseparable. She is both biologically connected to the child through pregnancy, and sociologically connected through things such as breastfeeding. The dimensions are difficult to differentiate when the mother's body has such physical manifestations of her sociological role.

In the father, on the other hand, these dimensions can be easily separated. A biological father may not even know that he is a father. Biologically, he has created a baby, but he must assume the sociological aspect voluntarily. Unfortunately, what has happened in recent years is that fathers are often excused from this responsibility - either by an understanding between the parents, or by the appeasement that comes with a child support check.

The role of the father used to be defined by society. It was expected that a male, the parent and husband, would be a standard fixture of any household. It was expected that it was only under the circumstances of a stable household and family unit that children would be born. It is the expectation under the mantle of Islam. Today, that understanding no longer exists. Marriage as an institution has become extremely diluted. As a result, parenting has become an entirely different and much more difficult endeavor.

Today, the state holds the definition of father to be biological. Society focuses more on the sociological male. This distinction causes further confusion as the father role is divided into two parts. The biological father is expected to make a financial commitment to the child. The sociological father is the male figure in the child's life that is most influential. This may be an uncle, stepfather, older male mentor, or even the mother's significant other. In a more ideal world, these two men are the same, under the title of father and husband. In reality, they are very often not.

What Kids Want

For children, less is definitely more. We think that children today need more - more toys, more clothes, more expensive and extravagant things. The truth is that what children need is order, stability and security. They, though they may deny it, want to see their parents every day. They need to feel that they can trust them. They need to have parents who worry about them, and who have known and loved them always.

Having many positive adult role models is good for any child. However, this does not mean that many positive male figures can substitute for the importance of one genuine biological and sociological father. It simply cannot