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At the 42nd Annual ISNA Convention “Muslims in N. America: Accomplishments, Challenges and the Road Ahead,” there was a focus on the sources of these challenges, their effects on the family, and Islamic practical solutions for each challenge.
Drs. Ekram Beshir and Mohmed Rida Beshir—a renowned husband-wife team best known in the Muslim community for their decades of involvement as parents, authors, activists, and counselors—presented a powerful session on spousal relations. They tried to emphasize the popular saying “two heads are better than one.” As common clichés dictate, life’s problems are best resolved by strength in numbers. This was the reasoning behind the dual lineup that headlined Saturday’s 9 a.m. lecture, “The Muslim Family in North America: Spousal Relations.” The Beshirs comprise the dynamic duo that has written several distinguished books on family issues such as parenting and spousal relations. The audience looked forward to hearing the model couple share years of wisdom. Unfortunately, Dr. Ekram Beshir was unable to attend, leaving her husband to deliver the lecture alone.
Beshir rose to the challenge with a firm understanding of the topic at hand. Marriage and spousal relations are a dizzying maze for any novice, as evident by the heated exchange of frustrations that typically mark such discussions. Beshir quickly sidestepped this common mistake by first outlining the solid infrastructure and necessary basis for a strong marriage. He drew the audience’s attention to a beautiful subtlety that is easily overlooked in today’s hustle and bustle: There is wisdom in Allah’s creation in pairs:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.) (Ar-Rum 30:21)
The key ingredients therefore are these: (1) the understanding that our spouse is created by Allah from our own souls, i.e., a reflection of ourselves in some part; (2) tranquility; (3) love; and (4) mercy. There is no mistaking that without appreciation of these ingredients, the spousal relations cannot be stable. Most couples make the mistake of focusing on the material aspects of the relations and forget the importance of tranquility, love, and mercy.
Upon this sound basis, Beshir also reminded the audience that although there are many responsibilities within the institution of marriage, the overall purpose boils down to developing the faith of each spouse in this sacred union. As protectors each other, the spouses must help each other to become stronger in faith. They must help each other to increase their knowledge of Islam and to be supportive of each other to become closer to Allah Most High. There can be no peace in the house if the priority is not faith, if the priority is not seeking the pleasure of Allah. Once the priority is Allah, each of the spouses deals with the other through a sense of Taqwa (piety and fear of Allah). Each tries to help the other maintain God consciousness such that neither will ever behave towards the other in a manner displeasing to Allah. How else will the tranquility, the love, and the mercy develop if the spouses are not filled with taqwa and attempting constantly to please Allah Most High?
The latter part of this engaging lecture revolved around marital challenges. Beshir rejected abstract analogies for real-life situations; he pointed out that the main challenge is living in an environment that does not necessarily promote the same values that Muslims must adhere to. Among the numerous challenges that strain the marital relationship, financial pressures can also take their toll on marriage. Some men may work two jobs just to make ends meet, and the frustration brought home from such long hours embitters the husband-wife relationship as well as the parent-child relationship. In this case, it becomes essential for the man to leave the stress behind at work so that the home can be a place of peace and tranquility. However, the work stress can never ever be an excuse for the man to deal harshly with his wife and children. That kind of behavior creates a very stressful home environment, and the children and the wife suffer tremendous emotional and mental consequences.
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Another challenge that may not be fully realized is the absence of an extended family support system, which is a trademark of Muslim societies in the Muslim world. Although there are many Muslims with extensive family presence in North America, there are many married couples who have little family to help with matters of everyday life, especially with children. Parents should therefore carefully assess the load of parenthood and support each other as much as possible and pay attention to each other’s needs and capabilities.
Beshir drew a comprehensive picture of marriage, beginning from the very basic and building upon that, level by level. Starting from an appreciation of the seriousness of marriage and Allah Most High’s vision of how a marriage should be marked by love and compassion, he continued to delineate some of the challenges facing Muslims in North America.
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