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“How will I ever pay the bills?” laments Mustafa, who had just lost his job. It is one that he felt pretty secure in, but tough economic times have not bypassed his employer, and Mustafa’s state of shock has left him feeling like he just wants to curl up on the couch with the remote control in hand.
“How will I ever feel love again?” cries Dalia, whose husband of 5 years has just declared that he will be seeking a divorce because he is unhappy with their marriage.
“How can I ever trust again?” wonders Hanif, who has just found out that the son he has raised for the last 18 years has been taking drugs and going to promiscuous parties.
“How will I ever dream again?” says Anisa, who’s third (and final) application to medical school has been rejected. She has to face the fact that her lifelong dream of becoming a doctor will not be happening and the disappointment is eating her alive.
In every part of our lives – in our work, families, and marriages – bad things happen. And sometimes those bad things are not just “stuff”, but big disappointments that can turn one’s world upside down. They can make one feel like nothing will ever be the same, as if one will never recover from the setbacks.
In the cases of Mustafa, Dalia, Hanif, and Anisa (all the names have been changed), the letdowns are still fresh. They are all still in a state of shock, feeling like there may be no hope for them. Their feelings are raw. They’re anxious and fearful, and the disappointments will have them going through stages and ranges of intense emotions: anger, confusion, sadness, low self-esteem, and self-doubt. These are stages of response and they must be experienced, but over time, they and anyone else can begin to feel acceptance and hopefulness. When we begin to let go of the past, we will begin to experience increased self-esteem and rejuvenated optimism. We can begin to bounce back, to be more resilient, and to move forward to greener pastures despite the obstacles.
But how do we do that?
Psychologists and therapists might tell us to stop focusing on what was lost or what did not work out the way we would have wanted it to. They will tell us that we need to rewrite our stories, and to see ourselves in a different situation – for example, Mustafa might imagine himself at a new job, or Dalia might see herself living alone – but happy.
Yet, it is not always easy to imagine a new reality when we are in the throngs of major disappointment. Some people cannot see the horizon because of all the frustration and blame that clouds their view. Others may fall into depression when disaster strikes.
What Then of the Resilient?
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You know the ones who bounce back quickly and move on after trials and tribulations with seemingly boundless energy. How do they do it? After all, even successful people are tested. What is the difference between them and the others? For those that would argue that resilient people are just born that way, I am telling you that resilience can actually be a learned trait. It just takes some practice and experience. By committing to master disappointments, you can learn that losses can actually be opportunities in disguise; and I think that this is the ultimate secret of the resilient.
Here are 10 steps to expedite the “bouncing back” process, to help get through the disappointments in the best way possible:
{No kind of calamity occurs except by Allah 's leave: And whoever believes in Allah, Allah will guide his heart [aright]: For Allah knows all things} (At-Taghabun 64: 11)
Indeed, Islam is filled with the ultimate success principles. We do not need to go far from the divine words of Allah to bring warmth and acceptance to our hearts when disappointments occur. We do not have to understand why something calamitous (and beyond our control) is occurring, but accepting it will help us move on quickly. Surrendering to the idea that “Allah knows and we know not” why it is what it is can make the process much easier too.
Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” (Muslim 42: 7138).
What are you really afraid of?
In my work, I have learned that there are all kinds of fears. There are superficial fears like those that include visiting the dentist or spiders, and then there are deeper fears that paralyze us, like the fear of failure or of being alone. However, at the root of all fears is the underlying, most important fear, which is the fear that whatever calamity happens, we will not be able to handle it. Having the ability to say, “Whatever happens, I’ll face it,” is having the ability to face our fears. Once, we have conquered that, then bouncing back should be easier, like a walk in the park.
Do you want a sure-fire way to know that you can handle anything that comes your way? Consider this verse:
{Allah does not burden any soul with more than it is able to bear...}(Al Baqarah 2: 286)
Not to rush or aggravate the process, but learning patience is not always an easy thing. Recall the woman who Prophet Muhammed (peace and blessings be upon him) passed while she was weeping over a grave, and he said to her: 'Be afraid of Allah and be patient.' The woman said: 'Go away from me, for you do not know my calamity.’ So, he left her. A man passed by and asked her, 'What has Allah's Apostle said to you?' She replied, 'I did not recognize him,’ and she ran to find the prophet and said, 'O Allah's Apostle! By Allah, I did not recognize you!' The Prophet said, 'No doubt, patience is at the first stroke of a calamity.' (Al Bukhari 89 #268).
We need to realize that Allah (SWT) is most wise, most merciful, and that the calamities that befall us are not meant to “finish us off,” but rather to check on our patience, our acceptance, and our faith. If we can remain steadfast, there promises to be a manifest reward.
We need to be able to see what is still left after the walls of our disasters have come down.
- What remains?
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- What needs our attention?
- What’s important?
Focusing on what is left, on giving priority to other areas in our life that we might have been neglecting can indeed be what makes the disaster turn into a blessing in disguise. Maybe Mustafa’s job meant he could spend more time with his young family, they felt as if he was neglecting them. Perhaps Hanif’s other son needs a solid, compassionate father, as he too has suffered losing his brother to a harmful lifestyle. Seeing what is left gives us the motivation to move past the disaster.
‘When one door closes a door, another one opens’, so goes the famous saying. - and there is wisdom in it. Indeed, when disaster forces us to lose or change something, it also gives us the chance to try something new. Maybe Anisa’s rejection to medical school means that she should really give other talents a fighting chance. She has always loved to write for instance. She has always liked to bake. This can be an opportunity to find success in any number of areas. The more new things she tries, the more she can learn what she is good at and what good things await her.
Taking advantage of new opportunities is a way to build our confidence levels and make resiliency a way to get us out of our “comfort zones,” and really experience life.
Sometimes it is hard to ask for help when you need it after a calamity, we want to appear strong. We do not want to bring others down with our burdens. However asking for help in our time of need is such a liberating act, and it gives those who love us (or have made a commitment to such work) a chance to be part of our “bounce back quick” process. Talk to a friend or a counselor. Talking it out with someone is how we begin to feel better.
In addition, if those in the middle of a calamity can find a mentor, maybe someone who has been where they have been, and have risen above the heartache to travel further on in their life, it is as simple as emulating that person. A mentor can serve as a role model, teaching us how to act, what to do, and giving us inspiration to move forward.
To move forward, the enormity of the task (such as finding a new job or dealing with an addicted son) may seem insurmountable. We need to focus on each step as we move forward, not worry about the entire undertaking all at once. We need to give ourselves a break, to practice self-love, and be patient with our circumstances. Enjoying a comforting meal with people we love, taking a walk on a sunny day, or getting lost in a good book are all ways to show ourselves that we are not going to fall prey to stress, when we can be more resilient.
Celebrate the steps you have taken to get over your calamity, and soon there will be a joy-filled “bounce” to those steps.
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