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You and your suitor have a mutual agreement to marry. During the engagement period, you will have an opportunity to prepare a life together. In addition to working out details, and the division of labour, a mature couple will be looking at where they will live, who will quit their job to re-locate, what model of marriage they plan to transition into, and what needs to be done to tie up the loose ends to make the transition smooth.
The couple will be experiencing an identity change, and giving up a very long history of identity with one's work, or community for the new identity. This can be very difficult for the mature person who has developed a career, reared a family, and feels settled as a developed person. For some, the man may insist that the woman give up everything about her own self that she knows; her work, her home, and unfortunately, sometimes, even her own children. Less common, the woman will ask the man to give up aspects of his former life that has defined him as well. This is the ground on which you must tread carefully as this is where "negotiations" often fall apart. This shift of identity when you are young, is much easier, because the young marry for the purpose of forming an identity. Yet the mature individual already has one. Often, when there are unresolved issues with a former marriage, in a former time, and the future spouse might inadvertently hold on to an ideal model of marriage that would make sense if still living in that former time period. Often, we have not moved on from the past, and therefore the present is not a fresh beginning where the couple can complete a twofold process of identity merging, which must be completed if the marriage has any opportunity for success.
During the twofold process, the couple will need to see how they can creatively merge their current identities into a new system (marriage) as they are indeed merging their lives, without giving up who they are and what they have become. The mature marriage is an opportunity to share who you have become with your life companion, along with the gifts that are the fruit of who you have become.
1. They must find a way that is compatible and harmonious to meet their former obligations and functions which they feel are important to them.
2. They need to agree on new functions and co-create a model of marriage that will support their mutual value system. The mature marriage will be unique as two individuals who are likely already comfortable in their own skin, have acquired respective skills and assets, and they should not be forced to throw all that they have become away. Rather they should mutually share with each other. The mature marriage is a vessel that will need to be strong enough to carry the load of both spouse’s current goals and obligations. The idea is to co-create something that will be supportive to both individuals so that each will experience the protection, support, and emotional nurturing of the other. This is a tall order, yet this is the work to be completed during the early stages. Issues such has care for children, even adult children who may be at college, incur financial obligations that need to be discussed. An equitable solution must be agreed upon. At this stage, preparing a prenuptial agreement in countries that do not support the Nikah (Islamic marriage) is often an option, and can benefit both parties. This does not need to be a point of contention. The truth is, both parties want to protect themselves and each other from possible disaster, and this can foster trust. Marriage, by definition, is sharing, mutual working together to co-create and build a new life together, but this prenuptial agreement will really tell you where the other person is coming from. Ladies, once your future spouse proposes this prenuptial agreement, do not just blindly sign it. Take the prenuptial agreement to your wali (guardian), attorney, or scholar to review. Then, add what is important to you into the agreement, within reason, so that you feel you are being treated fairly, and so that your children (if you have children) are not left out of the picture as you run serve your new husband and his family.
Ok, so where is the romance? Well, you are not married yet, so there isn't any romance. It is best to keep it that way as long as you can, so that you have a head on your shoulders andso that you can negotiate a fair situation. When you are married, you will have a lifetime for romance. Just as a young woman's family stands by to make sure she is not given to marriage without adequate protection, a mature woman must take the steps to create the same protection for herself. And just as a young man's family will wants to know the character of the woman and her family so that he does not find himself in a bad situation, the man must also take this time to be very certain that this is the woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Both have likely suffered from at least one previous painful divorce, and we want this marriage to really last a lifetime, and beyond.
What About the Children
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Once you have come to a mutual agreement on all of the above, you will want to prepare your children. If you have successfully made it this far, then the hard part is over. It is when you attempt to prepare the children prior to having the period of negotiations completed, that problems and misunderstanding often ensue. However here you are, with your beloved, your trust in each other is strong, your faith in the future grounded, and your sense of mutual mission developed; you now have a picture of how your teen or adult children will blend. This will include living arrangements, financial support, and anything else that both spouses children are going to need. Remember, this is a marriage, not just high class companionship. It is not an arrangement, and your future spouse is not your "significant other" or boy friend/girlfriend. This is a marriage, and you inherit each other's children for life. Even if your spouse has an ex wife or husband, you will be a real life part of his or her children's life. This is marriage. You will be working together to co-create and secure a future for all of your children. Negotiate this prior to breaking the news to your children. Then, when you do break the news, they will be assured that they are going to remain in your life, supported, and loved. Teen and adult children are usually happy if these three main objectives are met, as they do want their parents to be happy. They will also need to know that the step mother or father does not intend to take the place of their other beloved parent, but rather intends to support that relationship if appropriate.
Family and Friends
If you have successfully negotiated up to now, and your children feel secure that they will not loose their rights and affections, then breaking the news to your family and friends should be easy. Most family and friends who oppose the mature marriage do so because they are not sure that these issues have been dealt with. If they are assured that you and your future spouse are going into the marriage in a thoughtful manner, they are likely to simply support you, orhey do not have any vested interest, and therefore will not interfere. It is at this point that your announcement of engagement can go out. The rest is fun, and it is likely that you will feel romantic as you can now plan the day that you will actually be married and move in together. Plan a few months for this stage because there is likely a lot of practical loose ends to tie up. If you want to have a large ceremony, then this will take a lot of preparation as well. This can be a very fun time for both of you, as you are entering the generative phase of life together, so you might want to plan your wedding celebration together.
Many mature couples decide not to have a celebration because they recall the last one. Remember, you are going to be life mates, help mates, and life companions until death. Hopefully you will be in Paradise together, and all that you do from now on is a "we project" so that you will indeed be in Paradise as man and wife. A celebration is a nice way to launch your new life together. As for the rest of the story...that is the best part!
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