The Process of Marrying When Mature

Pt. 1

›Is your initial reaction fear, or joy?
 

This first phase of deciding if you have met the person that you will be compatible with, and hopefully for the rest of your life, is critical.  Every fear that is buried inside your subconscious is likely to surface.  Many people start here, and end here.  They meet a suitable mate after suitable mate, and at first it seems to "click", but then it all seems to disintegrate leaving both parties feeling defeated. It doesn't have to be this way.  You can find a mate late in life.

The path to success here is to truly know yourself, and what might trigger your seemingly "irrational" fears.  Get a handle on what you really want and need, here and now...not yesterday. Don't go chasing rainbows that have already disappeared.  It is time to think here, now, and future.

• Lifestyle needs 
• Emotional needs 
• Changing sexual needs 
• Financial considerations, etc.  

If you know what you need in order to be available and successful in a marriage, then you know what to communicate. Communication is the key.  Remember, whatever your story is, whatever loss, whatever abuses you survived in the past, this is a new day, you are living a new life, and you are getting to know a completely new and different person to co-create a lifestyle that is mutually supportive.

You need the courting process, since you most likely do not have the traditional extended family support system of a young person in a traditional Muslim family.  But, how to get to know this person who seems so interested in you, and you find that this interest is mutual.  How shall we, who are mature proceed, so that it doesn’t turn into a disaster, or to become too late in life to recover - yet we don't want to lose our opportunity to finally have that happiness we have been desiring most of our adult life? 

›How do we do all of this and still stay within the guidelines that are given to us by custom and by Shari’ah? 

Well, Perhaps since we are already out of the box...we might try thinking outside of the box!

• Why marry?  

Good question.  You don't want any more children.  Your own adult children might wonder if you have lost your mind; and your mother is still worried that you are jumping from the frying pan into the fire! I say, why not marry. 

Statistics reveal that men are much more likely to die an early death if they do not have a wife.  Women may seem to be stronger, but when you talk to them heart to heart, they will tell you that they want companionship, to be loved, someone to grow through life with, to the very end. Some Scholars and Imams will say that the purpose of marriage is to sustain a stable family life, to have children.  Yet, if the ultimate purpose for marriage is to complete one's deed, then the mature marriage makes a lot of sense. 

If you are over 40, then chances are, you have a lot of responsibilities and having a life partner would actually provide support for your spiritual life, and your practice of Islam.  If you are not lonely, you will be on an emotional level that is conducive to focusing on your spiritual development.  If you have a friend to pray with, and to read Qur’an with regularly, you will stick to it. You may not want any more children physically, but after the heavy responsibility years of the 40's and 50's come the regenerative years of the 60's and 70', and many healthy spatially mature couples give birth to projects that will serve humanity together at this age.  A man truly needs a helpmate in these years if he has such vision.  A woman will always have her instincts to nurture.  What a beautiful complimentary union from which many gifts to humanity can be produced.  And the most precious part of this is that through such a union, one's deen can be perfected, and both individual families and the larger human family can be strengthened, thus increasing the sustainability of the family system around the world.  It is hard to do this alone. But with a mate, the possibilities are limitless.  Then, as part of the perfection of the deen, you have your best friend to walk down to the very end of this earthly path with...  you will have someone to watch over you if your health fails, you will have your burial plans figured out too... and that is quite spiritual, if you ask me.  This kind of connection should be evident during the courting phase if you plan to move on to engagement.

The Rules

So, are the rules different for the mature situation?  We have a pretty good understanding about the young.  But really, if I were to ask my mother for permission to marry a man, I think she would die laughing.  Most of us have been married, had children, and are now divorced.  Some of us have not had children, but we might be past the child bearing age.  We have lived mature, adult lives and made many decisions for ourselves and others.  We are at the other end of our careers, and pondering our transition to a different line of work that is more fulfilling.  We have lived a life.  So, does a mature woman need to have a guardian?  I am not a scholar, but I don't see how this is really proactive.  However, I do believe that a smart mature woman will let members of her family know that she is making herself available for marriage and have a few very trusted people with whom she feels close to confide in, and to watch over her, and be present when she meets her suitor.  This will clear up any misconceptions that she is interested in dating, or ''just being friends", or giving him any such idea that he gets to "test drive the car".  It is also conducive to getting to know each other.  However, since there is a lot  that must be discussed, and some of them you won't want to share with you adult children, or your sister, or designated protector, you will have to discuss how you are going to be able to meet, communicate and discuss these things privately, without increasing the chance that shaytan will enter the picture.  This is one blessing of the technological age.  You can talk via e-mails and messenger, and on the phone.  IF the other party wants to engage in anything inappropriate through these media, you can say good-by now, and never bother with that person again. (you can block him or her)  And, before you really decide to be engaged, you do want to know this person, so spending time alone, in a public place, with your protectors standing by, in my own personal opinion, is a good idea. This way you can talk about important and relevant issues privately, but be in an atmosphere where you would not do anything you should not do.

So, how long do you court?  This is really an individual decision.  However, I so advise that if you find someone who is sincerely courting you for the purpose of marriage, or, you find someone to court you should both mutually agree to a time frame by which you will both be responsible for coming up with a decision if you want to marry.  The courting should be exclusive to provide an environment where you are not indecisive and you are giving your full attention to the other person to see if you will be compatible together.  If after the courting period passes, and one of you is undecided, and you are not yet ready for the engagement and marriage, then neither of you are committed to the other.  This is just a suggestion, but if you follow this suggestion, you will eliminate a lot of confusion and hard feelings if it doesn't work out. 

›So, now that you have completed your time of courting, and have agreed to marriage with this lovely individual, what next? 

See part II for special help with preparing for marriage, preparing your family, and bringing it all together for a lifetime.

Dr. Maryam Bachmeier  has 11 years in the mental health field, and is currently a staff psychologist at the Napa State Hospital.