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Don’t you just hate having to learn the same life lessons over and over again? I know I do; nevertheless, as recently as a few weeks ago, I concluded (for what had to have been the umpteenth time) that if I make sure I take better care of me – spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally – the other aspects of my life simply fall into place.
So, one morning after dropping my middle-schooler off, I started my day with a brisk walk along a trail nestled in one of Henry County’s public parks in Georgia, U.S. The scene there is quite picturesque – a small creek runs throughout the sloping hills now draped with spring’s pastel colors. As I circled the half-mile lap, a dozen or more squirrels frolicked about in search of their morning meal, and an occasional train trekked along the seldom-used railroad track lying adjacent to the park.
A handful of other walkers and joggers, and a few moms with their toddlers at the playground, were also out taking advantage of a beautiful spring day. After four days of continuous rain (very atypical of Georgia which has been experiencing a drought), everyone was happy that the sun was out.
While I walk, I customarily complete my morning’s dhikr (remembrance of Allah), the most important part of my daily routine after salat (prayers). However, even though I recognize its powerful impact on my day, in the hustle and bustle we call life, it still gets pushed to a backburner sometimes… along with exercise and a ton of other things.
Time, time… most people agree there’s just not enough time for all the many things they need to get done. Particularly mothers, it seems, constantly lament over how hard it is to fit in the things they know are good for them. A question that plagues many of us is, “How do I manage to break away from the day-to-day rat race long enough, and often enough, to engage in activities that will empower me as a human being?”
A few years ago, I completed several courses offered by an international company called Landmark Education Corporation that promises transformational breakthroughs to its participants. At the end of one of the courses, I received an award that had been created especially for me: “Don’t Know Your Own Strength.” I’d actually heard something to that effect a couple of other times in life. One of the program coaches advised me to “empower myself rather than my circumstances.”
Priorities of Life
I could refer to myself as a “yet-to-be” bloomer. Meaning, I have done quite a few things in life, but none of them has turned out to be quite as successfully as I would like. I used to call myself “a jack of all trades, master of none” because the master’s degree I earned in Sociology in the mid-eighties didn’t come with the same specialized job skills, or job security (is there such a thing today?) that a master’s in social work or counseling promised – or even a bachelor’s in education. When I chose Sociology as my major, I had intended to pursue a doctorate and to teach at university level. That was before embracing Islam, getting married while in college, and having my first child soon after graduation. I hadn’t quite planned to start a family that early in life. But Allah is truly great, and I wouldn’t trade Islam for the world.
Once I became a mom, although I did typically work part-time, I decided to follow my own mother’s example and make motherhood my first priority. After one year of college, my parents dropped out and got married. My father joined the military, and my mom had a baby… and then another and then another within four years.
I was their fourth child, and I was followed by two more. Growing up in an authoritative household, we did what we were told to do, or be punished (sometimes severely). And although my parents were honest, hard-working and decent human beings who instilled in us so many of the values that I feel blessed to possess, and have passed on to my own four children, ours was not the loving, nurturing home that is apt to produce the confident and determined individuals that go on to become the most successful members of society.
Don’t get me wrong – my five siblings and I have excelled in many of our endeavors. We are all regarded as intelligent, and we have intelligent offspring, al hamdu Lillah! Five of us have earned college degrees; three of us have advanced degrees. One of my sisters is a retired government worker. and a pioneer in her field. This required her to travel and speak nationally and internationally. Another is a special education teacher. My older brother is an accountant, and his wife is a middle-management executive in telecommunications. My younger brother and sister are both spiritually devout and dedicated parents.
There is an attorney amongst our twenty-one children, and one of my daughters just started her law school. I have another daughter in law enforcement. She is married to a fellow officer. Several of our offspring are college graduates or enrollees and/or truly gifted in music, the arts or sports. Although a couple of them, including my own son, are struggling to find their niche in life, they are all resilient and basically decent human beings. We all thank Allah for that, and attribute much of it to our family upbringing.
But it seems like exceptional success (as measured by financial criteria, anyway – the primary way that western society measures success) has eluded all of us. We, like most Americans, live paycheck to paycheck – struggling to make ends meet, having abandoned the pursuit of childhood dreams and ambitions, and succumbed to this rat-race called “Survival.”
On a personal note, the premature death of my first husband, and father of my three oldest children resulted in an even greater struggle for me than for most of my other siblings. I had to seek more substantial employment, but because I always chose work that accommodated my role as a single mom, I sacrificed higher-paying opportunities and opted for less responsibility and/or the flexibility of self-employment. Now, divorced from the father of my 14-year old daughter and in my 50’s, I acutely feel the financial toll of my choices.
I am joined by millions of other Americans who, even before today’s recession, are caught up in a never-ending scenario of having too many months left at the end of their paychecks… wondering how they are going to make ends meet while they are still young and healthy enough to work. Terrified of what might happen when they reach the age where they can not work. Asking themselves what they did wrong or did not do enough, and surely, what they need to do next. Then they are left wondering, “Why do so many people find themselves in the same shoes?”
Self Empowerment
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This article is not meant to be an analysis of the economic woes that many Americans (and others) are experiencing. There’s plenty to read about the economic, social and political issues facing the world today.
What it is meant to do is share my conclusion about my personal struggles with others who are similarly challenged: I am convinced that the underlying cause for whatever personal challenges we face is that we tend to empower our circumstances instead of empowering ourselves. I thought I should have mastered this oft-repeated life lesson by now.
How do we empower ourselves? Well, we all know the most obvious answer to that question: we build our iman (faith) through prayer, prayer and more prayer. Why don’t we do it more? I think it’s because we sorely underestimate the power of prayer. And because, like a trainer in a behavioral mastery seminar once said, although as Muslims we believe in Allah, many of us do not believe Allah. He has promised us good if we obey Him, and He has promised to sustain us. And
- Grants the power of any other halal activity that uplifts us
- Provides us with a strong sense of self-awareness and self-worth
- Allows us to attain personal fulfillment and a feeling of completeness
- Makes us feel loved and capable of loving
- Grants us peace with ourselves, and with those around us.
For any one of us, that could include a number of things:
Making quality time for family, friends, and others who strengthen us (either one-on-one or in groups of various sorts)
- Developing our Allah-given talents and skills
- Reading empowering materials
- Practicing Personal hobbies
And the list goes on and on.
There is no one thing (I feel, outside of worship, anyway) that serves as a magic wand for everybody all the time. The main criterion is that it strengthens and uplifts us; it is not a temporary fix (like drugs and alcohol) and it does not dis-empower someone else.
Once we identify the activities that work best for us - outside our obligatory duties - we must make room for them in our lives on a consistent and permanent basis. As author Stephen Covey says in his highly-acclaimed bestseller Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, we have to learn to schedule our priorities instead of prioritizing our schedules. Breaking the habit of not making, or taking, the time when empowering activities require hard work to ensure that they don’t get pushed to a backburner – or taken away from us by others.
A year ago, I lost the part-time job that I counted on to cover my major expenses while I focused on seriously developing my writing, and the community empowerment work I offer (AGAIN!). Since then, I have tried a number of things seeking to secure a “bread-and-butter” income so that I would not have bills hanging over my head. I recently came to the (painful) conclusion that the more I concern myself with having a predictable source of income, the more I don’t have one, and the more I concern myself with doing what I believe Allah has assigned to me on this earth, the more money comes from directions that I do not expect.
So, over the past few weeks, even though I was not sure how my financial obligations would be taken care of, I kept concentrating on communicating with Allah, our Lord and Cherisher, taking better care of me, and doing my thing. Not surprisingly, I’ve regained the sense of clarity and certainty about my life purpose that I need to quiet any anxiety I occasionally feel about my own destiny, or about the world’s fate. I think I have finally reached the point of knowing for sure, al hamdu Lillah, that if I continue “focusing on my mission instead of focusing on survival,” I will empower myself, my needs will be met, and I will be at peace. I may be a late bloomer, but like the saying goes, “Better late than never.”
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