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Sex is the topic that many of us avoid discussing with their children thinking that it is needless to attract their attention to such topics. Merely mentioning the word sex in front of children may be inappropriate for some parents who might think that their children have not heard of this word before. But these expectations are not necessarily true. Our children need to learn about sex just as they need to learn about anything else in their lives.
Who Teaches Them Matters
Sex is an important topic that we should discuss with our young people to make sure that they do not become misinformed or confused in their future lives. If we live in a non-Islamic community where people have perspectives different than the Islamic perspectives, the need for our children to get the right sex education is even greater.
However, sex education includes many things other than the simple sexual relationship between two married spouses. What children need to learn about sex in the early stages of their lives differs from what they need to learn when they are older. Young children are extremely curious, and they like to explore when they do not get plausible answers from their parents. They look for other alternatives.
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We should not think that our children are far from such discoveries, because even if we have control on what they watch, hear, or say indoors, it is impossible that we control what they get across outdoors. Out there, children meet other children with different backgrounds and cultures. These children can share with them things that we do not like them to hear about, and as parents, we can imagine how messy it can be when sex topics are discussed among kids.
Therefore, we need to teach our children to return to us when they have dubious information or insistent questions that concern them, whether about sex or any other topic. If we make them feel that we are always there for them and that their continuous questions never bother us, they would not hesitate to ask their questions.
But, with the many burdens we face daily, we would never have time to answer all their questions. So, we should make a promise to get back to them when there is more time. In this way, they will not need to look for alternatives, and we can ensure correct and healthy sex education instead of leaving them exposed to misinformation from their siblings, peers, or friends.
It may also be helpful to remember that sex education is not forbidden even at younger ages. The Companions, including women, did not hesitate to learn about sex from Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). For example, the Prophet taught them to lower their gaze.
When a young Muslim asked the Prophet to allow him to commit adultery, the Prophet softly asked him if he accepted that his mother, sister, or aunt commit adultery. And when the man admitted that he did not accept it, the Prophet explained that people also do not accept that their daughters and sisters commit adultery. From the guidance of the Prophet, we can take note of the importance of providing our children and teens with logical answers.
Early Discovery
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In the early years, children usually like to learn about their bodies. Before they even start talking, they may try to use their hands to discover their mouths, noses, eyes, or private parts. It is their parents' role to wisely control their early curiosity by attracting their attention to other interesting things. To limit such early discoveries, we should not leave them undressed for long hours. When they grow up and start talking, we can simply teach them that touching their private parts is not a good idea.
Boys and girls also feel curious to discover why their bodies look different from those of the opposite sex. It is needless here to confirm that giggling or smiling is not a good answer to such questions. We can simply tell them that boys' and girls' private parts look different just as their hairs, faces, muscles, and other parts of their bodies look different. They also need to learn that boys and girls have some different attitudes and predispositions and that they should be proud of their own gender.
Responding to Questions
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As our children grow up, their questions get more and more mature and our answers become more affective in their lives. Most likely, it is their questions that would determine what we need to tell them about sex. We might begin by simply listening to them to recognize exactly what we need to tell them about sex and what we need to filter and correct for them.
There is no particular age for any sex education, and as far as we teach our children that all of their questions are welcomed, most probably they would rush to us when they have any question. Yet, some kids may feel that sharing such topics with their parents is inappropriate. But the regular question "what have you done today?" can definitely lead to great conversations between us and our children, especially if we make them feel that we are good listeners. Such conversations can encourage our children to talk and enable us to correct any misinformation they get from outside.
Where Babies Come From
One of the questions children always ask is, "Where do babies come from?" Rather than think of silly answers such as "we buy them from the market," we need to simplify the right answer to our kids in a way that makes it easy for them to understand. We can simply say that married couples have babies, not a woman by herself. Some psychologists suggest that we simply tell our young children that a baby comes when a mom and a dad hug each other in a special way.
This is what children usually need to know in their early years of life, but when they grow up, they start focusing more on the details, and the question switches from "where do babies come from?" to "how do moms get pregnant?"
The answer to this tough question can be as easy as the answer to any other question if we attentively listen to them and recognize how much they really need to know. It makes a difference when we encourage them to share all what they know with us and when we make them feel that there is nothing wrong with this discussion.
By doing so, we will be able to correct any misinformation they may have. In the process, we will also provide them with the right Islamic perspective on sex. We need to teach them that Almighty Allah has created humans and animals with different needs and desires, including sexual desires. The children need to know that our ability as humans to control sexual desires distinguishes us from animals.
Our children also need to learn that the more they have faith the more they can control their desires and needs. We should also explain to them that sex is a normal part of people's life and that it starts after marriage as a blessing from Allah.
When we feel that our children are mature enough to understand and listen to such information, we should explain everything to them. At this stage, the more we explain to them the more we will protect them from any misinformation or confusion.
But, if we feel that our children are still too young to ask these questions or to understand this kind of information, it might be sufficient to correct any misinformation they may have, without many details. It is also important to explain to them that it is inappropriate to listen to their peers talking about such issues.
But, to keep the door open for future questions, we can explain to our children that this topic has much more details and that they will definitely have many other questions to ask us about when they grow up or if they accidentally hear anything from their peers.
Providing children with sex education has not probably been an issue of concern for some parents and grandparents, but we should not forget that time has changed and our children's needs have subsequently changed with it. What was working for us may not necessarily work for our children.
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