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By Shaker El-Sayed
Educationalist — US
This article is a compilation of the answers of revealing questions posed by our audience that shared in a live dialogue with our guest Shaker El-Sayed. The secretary-general of the Muslim American Society, El-Sayed is a prominent educationalist and an active member of the Muslim community inside and outside the US. The dialogue resolves many of the dilemmas that Muslims repeatedly encounter and presents ideas on issues common to many of us.
Steps Toward Marriage
There are three important guidelines for the young Muslims who seek to get married:
1. You should protect your chastity by lowering your gaze when looking at the other gender.
2. You should not seek to know the other gender before you are ready to get married. There is no harm, however, to know about some person before you get engaged to him or her once you are ready to make that step by asking people and collecting information.
3. You should seek to know the other gender only through his or her family.
As you get ready for engagement and then marriage, strengthen yourself through reciting the Qur'an, increasing your knowledge, fasting, performing Qiyam Al-Layl (Night Vigil Prayer), and working with Muslim youth groups in your area. Finally, keep in mind that the primary criterion for choosing your spouse should be religious devotion before anything else.
Internet as a Matchmaker
The Internet creates challenges when getting to know someone with the intention of marriage. Chatting should really be limited to the same gender except when there is group chatting of a public nature. But chatting with the purpose of establishing a relationship across gender is not an acceptable way for getting to know others, even if for marriage.
People used to look through magazines and newspapers for spouses. Islam, however, guides us to get to know the person and their family through the process of engagement. Chatting is not and should not be an alternative to engagement or to getting to know the family. Also, it should not be used as an alternative to dating.
Issues of Conformity
The only proper relationship between a strange man and a strange woman in Islam is the one that is legitimized through marriage. Marriage then establishes limits for both spouses that aim at protecting them and protecting the family as a whole. Marriage, as mentioned, is the only form of family that Islam ever recognizes.
However, the biggest challenge to young couples nowadays is conformity. A balance is needed between conformity in terms of achieving personal goals in this life and in the hereafter and conformity in terms of the established norms and the pressures of society and family. This is indeed one of the greatest challenges.
The other major challenge is to keep the family together in line with the Qur'an and the Sunnah rather than personal whims and desires that lead to a disruptive family life.
To meet those challenges, a couple is advised to:
1. Keep the Qur'an always at the center of the operations of the family, the center of education, and the center of decision-making.
2. Keep nurturing the family, not only through the study of Islam but also through the practice of what we know about Islam at all times.
3. Be open to change, attitudes, ideas, and behavior according to the guidance of the Qur'an and the Sunnah.
Marriage and Modernism
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Concern arises when Muslims seek guidance in a sphere that is inimical to marriage. The term "modernization" is often used to mean a shift from the Islamic guidance related to family life to the acceptance of material and worldly guidance.
Islam wants us to be leaders in establishing what is good and removing what is wrong and evil. If "modernization" is to be limited to utilizing modern technology as it applies to everything that humans need, then Islam is as modern as it gets. But when it comes to changing our lives, principles, and sources of guidance, then the result turns Muslims into followers of "others".
A positive move is to start using Islamic terminology because it directs the discourse. But when one uses terminology that is intrinsically opposed to Islam, other ideas are imported without reflection, causing one to become a follower, even in thought.
Chastity in a “Free” Society
Dealing with a society where people do not observe the modest codes of dressing can be a problem. Thus, the starting point should be oneself. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) advised that if anyone sees anything outside of his home that is stimulating, then they should return home and focus on the relationship with their spouse to rid themselves of those thoughts and feelings that stimulated interest in others from the opposite gender.
Islam never intends to turn the human into an angel or a creature without desires. Rather, it reinforces the means by which to satisfy those desires. The proper way for satisfying such desires is to establish a close relationship with one's spouse so that one does not feel imprisoned with any unsatisfied desire.
Advice for Single Men
Single young men are advised to:
1. Fast if they cannot get married (according to a Prophetic hadith).
2. Mingle only with peers of their like (gender).
3. Lower their gaze when they walk in public.
4. Fill their time and heads with positive activities that consume energy.
5. Increase their knowledge to be able to properly analyze what goes on in their heads.
6. Avoid places of indecent exposure (e.g. beaches, nightclubs, etc.)
7. Avoid stimulating music, songs, poetry, and audio or video materials that can negatively influence their thoughts and desires.
8. Read a lot to have a head full of principles, parameters, guidelines, and ideas that can be useful in all walks of life.
Multicultural Marriages
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Sometimes, young persons can find that their parents are insistent on marriage within the same ethnicity. For girls in particular, parents must have a say in their marriage for several reasons. For example, if something went seriously wrong in the marriage, the parents would have to be responsible for their daughter once again after the divorce. Therefore, they must have the authority to guide her through marriage. Because parents of the groom do not carry such a burden, they should only be consulted, but they do not have the same authority as they do over the girl.
However, parents do not have the authority to force their boy or girl to marry a person whom he or she do not want to marry. Parents also do not have the right to prevent their children from marrying a person of their choice for non-Islamic reasons (i.e. race, color, culture, and the like).
Multicultural marriages can be taxing on the family. People who get into multiracial, multiethnic, or multicultural marriages should be mature enough to view difference as a potential for integration and to accept others. Some parents prevent their children from going into multicultural marriages because of the concern of the point raised above (i.e. maturity). In that case, those who seek to marry someone from a different cultural background should really take their parents' advice seriously.
Frankness With Parents
In the US, t
ThThthere is some concern about the second-generation Muslims because they are more American than their parents are. Multicultural marriage can provide a sense of combining different cultures, provided that maturity and sensitivity are present. That means that both people getting married should be mature enough to know what they are getting into and should also have the ability to show such maturity to their parents.
Convincing parents of one's choice can seem a heavy burden for young Muslims. However, in general, parents will listen to their children and to the wisdom or thoughts they may have concerning marriage if they trust the wisdom of their children.
If anyone knows that their parents will listen to their wisdom and be thoughtful toward their feelings, then they should talk to them about what they are already convinced of.
It may be a good idea to start talking about one's description and expectations of the young man or woman one wishes to marry, without mentioning the person specifically. This allows for some time to digest the whole thing. Talk to your parents about that specific person who seems suitable, and then tell them another time that you are satisfied with that person.
Sources:
This article is a compilation from the live dialogue "Marriage: Keeping Islamic Tradition in the New Millennium."
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