Editor's note: The 2004 study "Education, Waged Work and Marriage: Perspectives of Egyptian Working Women" reported the results of in-depth interviews carried out involving over 40,000 participants. It was noted that
The high and rigid expectations regarding standards of living that the household of every newly married couple must ensure probably explains some of the considerable delay in marriage that is taking place in contemporary Egypt. … In general, our respondents collectively impressed upon us that delays in marriage were not a reflection of the devaluation of marriage. Marriage payments and the need to accumulate and set up a household were critically important and young women and their parents did emphasize the level of living expected nowadays and the need to set up a separate household, as opposed to beginning marital life under the parent's roof, was a departure from the past. (Amin and Al Bassusi, 17–20)
That was in 2004, but have lessons been learned and have prospects improved over time?
Scenario 1
Rana was unsure about the suitor who had proposed to her after an arranged meeting, so she decided to test him before making any commitments.
At their first meeting, Ranashe was not convinced that a couple should ask their families for a costly contribution to their marriage preparations, but that this was what she was planning to do. The suitor stayed silently perplexed and ended the meeting abruptly.
The following day, his mother called Rana's mother.
"We would like to know Rana's final decision as whether she agrees to marry my son, so that we start our discussions."
"What kind of discussions?" asked Rana's mother.
"To discuss details and money issues … who will be responsible for paying what?" the suitor's mother said.
"What I know is the convention; the bridegroom will buy an apartment, two rooms of which will be furnished by the bride, two by the bridegroom," said Rana's mother.
"What about the chandeliers and the carpet?" and all the possible minor details were pursued by the suitor's mother. At this point, Rana's mother felt the woman was being overly materialistic; her daughter agreed and rejected the marriage proposal.
Egyptians do argue over who should buy the chandeliers and carpets for the couple's apartment.
It's enough that we pay the dower, and we buy the rings, jewelry, the apartment, the kitchen cupboards and the major appliances, and even the fancy wedding dress and wedding ceremony, men would argue.
How about the women and of course their parents, who use the dower, plus another sum to add to the buying of the furniture, the curtains, the bride's clothes and lingerie, not to mention the set of china and utensils.
Confusing?
Marriage rules differ from one Egyptian governorate to the other, but to many Egyptians, particularly those from Cairo, it is as simple, and complicated as this: either the bridegroom offers a dower in return for the bride's family furnishing the entire apartment, providing that the man will buy the kitchen cupboards and all the major appliances, or no dower is offered and the two parties share in the provision of the furnishings.
A bedroom, a dining room, a reception, and a living room (there is no compromise), it must all be fancily furnished even if the apartment is too small for it all!
This goes for both poor and middle-class families, stresses Dr. Sahar Talat, an Egyptian social worker and counselor. She explains why: "We are showy people."
"It is a part of Egyptian culture that family, friends, and relatives visit the newly weds to congratulate them for their marriage. The visitors have to be shown through the entire apartment and see virtually everything," she adds.
"They will ask, 'How many bed sheets did the bride's family get her? How many cups and cooking pots? How many pieces does the china set comprise?'"
It is not only the visitors who are concerned, but the couple themselves and both their families.
Scenario 2
Elham, a 20-year-old law student, is preparing to get married in a few months. "Once I got engaged, I started feeling that I am a bride and I have to buy all what I need," she said. Her mom is eager to fulfill the daughter's "needs." "She buys me more than what I ask for," Elham added.
Families of would-be spouses quarrel over the purchases, and some marriage projects sometimes end uncompleted.
Talat laments that couples don't really need all what they buy, much of which they hardly use after marriage. "Will this useless stuff guarantee the happiness of your son or daughter?"
"The bride's family think that the expense to the bridegroom when marrying their daughter would assure her a bright future," she adds.
The bridegroom's family will not want to be fooled into paying too much , and they might eventually not be foolish enough to compromise and get the marriage on the road.
Clash of the Titans
Sometimes the two families come from different governorates, which means conflicting marriage customs and here comes the clash. Elham experienced it firsthand; her fiancé comes from Upper Egypt whereas Elham is Cairene.
To begin with, it was difficult to convince his parents to let him marry someone other than his cousin, or at least a family member. "After they met me and my family, they liked us a lot and things went smoothly, until they started discussing details."
In his town, the man buys the apartment and the furniture, the woman buys the kitchen cupboards and major appliances. "At first, my family was not feeling comfortable since we are not accustomed to this system, then things went OK", says Elham.
The problem however, was over the bride's jewelry.
"Their tradition is that it should be golden and the man's family should brag about how many grams of gold they bought. We disagreed. I wanted a diamond ring. They care about the weight of gold. I would rather have something small and light, but chic and valuable."
In the end, her father decided the jewelry is "the bridegroom's gift to the bride, and he should choose what to get her."
Elham and her fiancé have not yet discussed the wedding ceremony, whether it is going to be the groom's responsibility, as the convention goes, or whether the two families will split the expenses — a solution some have recently resorted to.
When the couple make it to the wedding, they and their loved ones dance and celebrate and show off — in a velvet-wrapped plate — the jewelry to all the guests. Then there is another performance for the cake and how big it is. And finally the dinner, which is commonly an open buffet affair.
During and after he wedding, the couple are "never spared the guests' gossip," said Rana. At the weddings she has attended, she has always heard comments like "the food is not enough" and the bridal dress "doesn't look great on her."
It no longer matters to Noha, who got married last month, after a "stressful" mission had been accomplished. Based on her experience, she criticizes marriage customs and preparations in Egypt: "We get lost in the stress of what should be prepared and stuff and we don't really enjoy the moment."
"We get so caught up in the details that we forget to stop to remember what it's all about — it's supposed to be a happy occasion, celebrating a new life."
According to Islamic tradition, Noha points out, the man should be responsible for all marriage expenses but, most importantly, "as much as he can afford," and the woman should only accept what her fiancé is able to offer, including the dower, which "she should take for herself rather than give it to her father and have him use it to furnish the new apartment."
Sources:
Amin, Sajeda and Nagah Hassan Al Bassusi. "Education, Waged Work and Marriage: Perspectives of Egyptian Working Women." Economic Research Forum for the Arab Countries, Iran and Turkey. Workshop on Gender, Work, and Family in the Middle East and North Africa. Tunisia, Mahdia. June 7-11, 2004. Accessed 28 Oct. 2006.
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