Finally, we would like to thank Selma Cook for speaking to Islam Online viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue.
We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session.
We request our readers to join us in the upcoming sessions, and please send us your suspended questions at: youth_campaign@iolteam.com
Name
Mimi
- Australia
Profession
Question
Salam alalum, every time I think I've found the right person for me, it turns out wrong. What should I do?
Answer
Salam alaikum, thanks for your question. It is certainly not easy to know if someone is ‘the’ right one for you. Almighty Allah has given us the keys to know, and be guided about such things.
First, you must have a sincere intention. You must be sincere in wanting to do things the right way; Allah’s way! You have to be sincere that you want to build a happy, stable family and be prepared to give, not just take. You have to be prepared to listen to the other person, sees things from his point of view and be flexible. Without sincerity you won’t be able to do this.
Second, if you find someone you think may be suitable, pray salatul istiqara, and ask Almighty Allah to open the way, if it is good and close the way if it is not. Then trust in Him, because there might be a time when you think something is good for you, but really it isn’t, and so Allah the Almighty protects you from it, and guides you another way.
Third, if both of you agree to marry, and there are no problems from the families then you must build your awareness, and be sensitive to the dynamics between you both. Nurture each other, take care of each other, anticipate each other’s needs, and by doing so, you will be forming the foundation of your life.
If you keep meeting people and things do not work out, I suggest you consult with trusted family members and friends, and try to think why this is happening. Be open to receive advice, and be willing to change, if that is necessary.
All the best.
Name
Achmet
- South Africa
Profession
Question
Salam alikom, I'm divorced, and I had a difficult time; quite disappointing. Now I'm wondering, if I will ever find someone who matches me, and who understands the situation I was in. Are divorced people still eligible?
Answer
Salam alaikum, thanks for your question. Of course they are! Most of the Prophet’s (peace and blessings be upon him) wives were either divorced or widowed. And many of the companions of the prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) were divorced and remarried.
It is only in the last few hundred years that divorce has taken on such a stigma. In the ummah today in many places, people who are divorced are deprived of many of their rights and are treated harshly and are often discarded, because of the way many Muslims have chosen to view divorce.
The best way for us to move forward out of this mentality is to go back and read the Quran, and remember that the only person who is more loved by Almighty Allah (is higher in His sight) is the one who is more pious. We should also remember the life of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), and recall what characteristics make up a good human being!
So, I suggest that you do not pay attention to the negative attitudes some people may want to put onto you. You are divorced, you were disappointed, and you are feeling weak and vulnerable. But I’m sure, that through all of it, you have learned, and you have grown. I’m sure you understand things now that you did not understand before you went through this experience.
Everything in this life counts; we all undergo difficulties to help us learn, remember and grow. But this takes a conscious decision on our part; that we will learn from all this, and not just use ‘negative’ situations to feed our depression or negativity. It is really so important, that we shake off such negative feelings and attitudes, because they act like a weight, weighing us down and keeping us from moving forward, growing and achieving.
At the same time, you must be always hopeful and realize that in life generally, and especially in relationships, there is always an element of risk. Marriage does not come with a guarantee! In fact, nothing in life has such a thing. We live, we move, we decide, all based on our trust in Almighty Allah, as we step out into the unknown. But if we choose to stay hidden and controlled by our fear, we can live our whole life and die in that state, and what an awful waste that is!
Seek courage through trusting in Allah the Almighty, seek wisdom through honestly acknowledging your weaknesses and mistakes, seek strength through commitment and determination to live life to the full, and find joy in every moment, because Almighty Allah places blessings in all things, if we can just find out how to recognize them.
If we can do this, our hearts will be full, and at peace and Almighty Allah will send us the people into our lives, that we need; and when He does, we will recognize these people and react accordingly.
May Allah grant you joy in every day of your life, and the ability to give joy to others.
Name
Malika
- Indonesia
Profession
Question
I'm 30 years old, and I'm working and independent, but I can't seem to find the right guy. Do you think, I am the reason behind this?
Salams
Answer
Salam alaikum, thanks for your question. When things do not happen in our life the way we think they should, or the way people think they should, we often blame ourselves. This is negative because it affects our self-esteem, makes us depressed, and we lose that ‘sparkle’ that makes us happy, and able to give happiness to others. It is a negative cycle, that needs to be broken.
We know that everything in this life has its own time to exist – a time to live, and a time to die. The purpose of life is to worship Almighty Allah, acknowledge Him, know Him through His creation, grow stronger and wiser through obeying Him, and seeking His guidance and help. The trouble is that we look outward; away from ourselves, as we seek happiness.
People think, oh if I buy this I’ll be happy, or, if I eat this I’ll be happy, or, if I have this job I’ll be happy, or if I marry so and so I’ll be happy. At the same time, people are being continually disappointed, because these things do not last and happiness and success fluctuate; sometimes we have it, and sometimes we don’t. So where does that leave the individual as we seek peace, satisfaction and happiness? The key? It all lies within us. But it takes courage to face ourselves and recognize the weaknesses that are slowing us down and the strengths (that we often fear) that could propel us forward, but that perhaps, we are not utilizing.
So, you are working, you have a career and you are not satisfied. You are certainly not the only person, who is feeling like this! I suggest that you look within yourself, and find the beauty there, discover the gifts Almighty Allah gave you; the abilities you have to give joy to others and to enrich life for yourself, and those around you.
Develop your closeness to Almighty Allah, build ties with your family and friends, neighbors, colleagues. Be a light in people’s lives, and do it because you love Allah the Almighty, and because life is so absolutely wonderfully full, rich, amazing and fulfilling. There is a saying narrated by Ali ibn Ali Talib, the meaning of which is, (divorce the worldly life and the worldly life will lie at your feet).
Be the best you can be, turn to Almighty Allah in gratitude and humility, and rise from every prayer a stronger, better more insightful woman ,and I know, insha Allah, you will have every single thing you need in this life.
All the best.
Name
Hussein
- Kenya
Profession
Student/jobless
Question
Assalamo alaykoum,
I had been married for 2 years. But when I lost my job, my wife whom I loved more than my own soul, asked me to end this marriage. In fact, she gave a flimsy reason, that I did not greet her uncles by shaking their hands. I showered her with lots affection and faithfulness, but I feel that she is taking me for granted.
I realized after four months of separation, that she married me purely for financial reasons. However, I am willing to forgive if only she would admit her mistake, but she is too arrogant to apologize.
Her family tried to advice her, but she won't listen.
Now want divorce her, as I know that divorce is not preferable in Islam. The problem is that our son is only 1 year old, and I feel that this divorce might have a negative impact upon him.
I decided to keep aloof and see if she will approach me. But I am afraid, because I am jobless, and that she might approach me, if only I have a job.
Please advice me!
May Almighty Allah reward you with good.
Answer
Salam alaikum, thanks for your question. Sorry to hear about your problem. You have certainly had a difficult time. I commend your patience and desire to keep your family together. You have only been married for two years; this is not a long time. All relationships have their ups and downs, and this is normal and should be expected. You didn’t mention how old your wife is. If she is young, perhaps a lot of her behavior stems from immaturity, and this will change, insha Allah, as she grows older ,and experiences more of life.
You mentioned that you have been loving and caring to your wife, but you feel that she is taking you for granted. Also, you said that she gave a flimsy excuse for wanting to end the relationship, and this is often a pretext, because the person can not or will not talk about the real issues.
A couple being loving, tender and kind with each other are important elements of the relationship, but there is more required than just this. How would you grade your level of communication? Do you listen carefully to each other? Are you open with each other? Do you ask each other what you want? If she finds it difficult to apologize, it might be, because she feels she isn’t understood, or that her needs and point of view are not being considered.
So, why don’t you try to talk to her; without blaming or referring to the past – just talk. Try to build up her confidence in you, that she will come to know that you listen, you care, you take her point of view seriously, and that you can be trusted. Try to understand what is making her like this; ask her, and do all this in an atmosphere of trust. This might take time, but it is worth it
The things you mentioned about being out of work and going through hard times, are a part of life, that many people the world over are experiencing, especially now with the financial crisis. But good solid marriages are able to withstand such problems; and they find a way to cope. Your marriage is not built on a solid foundation, and that foundation is built out of trust, respect, communication, commitment ,as well as, love and care.
You have to find out if she wants to continue the relationship with you, and if she does, even if there is only a tiny spark, that is enough for you guys to build your life together on a firmer foundation.
If she doesn’t want to continue with you, despite your previous efforts and, insha Allah, the plan we make today, then it is better that you part in kindness.
I pray that Almighty Allah answers your duas and softens.
Name
muslimah21
-
Profession
Question
Assalamualaikum
I am in my mid twenties, and I do want to get married. I fed up with people asking me why I didn't marry yet. Wherever I go its just the same question. My mum too keep pestering me, saying many things which hurt me. I have two breakup in the past. In fact, these people are making my life a hell. How could I cope?
Answer
Salam alaikum, thanks for your question. People have different ways of defining success and in many societies, they see that a woman achieves ‘success’ when she gets married. They think that without this she is somehow lacking. Then, because parents and family care a lot about the woman, they push and nag her to marry ,because they want the best for her. Unfortunately, a lot of harm can be done with the best of intentions.
Also, the fact that you feel frustrated that people keep talking to you about why you are not married yet, may be because you have bought into the same definition as them, and so think less of yourself, because you are not married. If this is the case, then maybe it is time to think about and define who you are, what you want to do, and why you want to do it.
Understanding where your parents and family are coming from when they bug you about getting married, will, perhaps, help you to be patient with them and with yourself. Anything to do with relationships requires patience and letting things happen in their own time. You just can not rush things, and if you try to, most times things will not work out well.
You mentioned that you had two breakups before, and that must have been a painful experience, and maybe you feel you are just not ready to take the risk again, right now.
That said, you should be continually trying to understand yourself, and the situation you are in because that is the Qadr (destiny) – where you are right now, is where you are meant to be. Your role is to try to understand and deepen your awareness of yourself, the people around you, messages and signs that exist all around.
Allah the Almighty has created us to worship Him, to know Him through His creation and He tells us that He has put signs in and around us; these signs are meant to guide us to a deeper understanding of ourselves and of life. There is so much knowledge and wisdom that will be lost, if we focus on the superficial aspects of life.
Now marriage is important, and again Almighty Allah tells us that He created marriage, so that the couple will achieve mercy and tranquility between them. So there you have it! The goal of marriage is a spiritual thing; a merging of the physical world and the spiritual; a means of drawing closer to Almighty Allah, as we discover more about ourselves through our partner.
This is certainly not something to rush into. But we have the keys that make life open up for us. The first thing is to realize that everything happens in its own time and this makes us patient and calm. The second thing is that we have to ask! Ask Almighty Allah for what you want. He already knows, but He wants us to ask, so that we can learn. Third, do your best to find joy in life, to be the best you can be, to be open to life and all the time, trust in Allah the Almighty, and be content with whatever He gives you. Therein lies your success
May Almighty Allah open the best ways for you, let your heart feel content and calm, and enable yourself to handle the people around you with dignity, respect and forbearance.
Name
Editor
-
Profession
Answer
The session has just started. Please feel free to join us with your questions.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking Recent Sessions, or later on Archive.
For feedback and suggestions, please e-mail Youth 4 the Future at: youth_campaign@iolteam.com
